Scientists at John Hopkins University released a statement today confirming the results of a recent study that found that all of the leading antivirals were ineffective against Amy Winehouse.
The two year study looked at possible ways to prevent infection by Amy Winehouse, as well as ways to supress the viral load of those already infected. Several test subjects died during the study, most of whom died of a curious, depressive malaise.
Dr. Stephen Crusher, who led the study, had bad news for a populace eager for some sign of hope that the dreadful Amy Winehouse contagion could be contained. Crusher urged residents to wash often and stay indoors as much as possible. This is especially true of those most at risk for contracting Amy Winehouse, such as the homeless in Lower Manhattan and the greater New York area where Amy Winehouse is known to proliferate.
Prior to budding into a supervirus, Amy Winehouse was a Grammy award winning singer and songwriter. However, her latent phase ended abruptly two years ago, and she began to spread viral particles across the United States. Scientists noted the contagious nature of the infection, which was spread from various leaking orifices located across the surface of Amy Winehouse. Even more dangerous was her lethal ability to spit, cough, sneeze contagious particles, projecting the contagion several hundred feet and infecting the unsuspecting.
Crusher insists that, with more Federal funding, an effective antiviral can be discovered and the end of Amy Winehouse disease will be swift and sure.
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