LOS ANGELES – Longtime 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney died today from complications arising from surgery. Immediately, the 92 year-old broadcaster recorded a segment complaining about his own demise.
“I’m not happy about this at all,” whined Rooney while hunched over his cluttered desk at the CBS studios. “When I get to heaven – which probably sucks – I’m going to tell God exactly what I think about this whole death thing,” added Rooney with his trademark scowl. Rooney added that the worst part of being dead is that “your eyebrow hairs keep growing after everything else stops, and those darn things are getting in my eyes now.”
Doctors are baffled by Rooney’s continued ranting, which should have stopped once his heart and breathing failed and his brain cells died from a lack of oxygen. They have ruled out the proposed theory that Rooney has transformed into some sort of very unhappy zombie, mainly due to the fact that nobody was ever around the unpleasant television personality long enough to bite him. “I’m guessing that Rooney still has so much to complain about that he couldn’t find enough time to just drop dead and stay that way,” said one doctor who wished to remain anonymous for fear that Rooney might mention him in a segment.
Morley Safer, Rooney’s longtime 60 Minutes co-host, was none too thrilled to see Rooney’s re-animated corpse shamble into his office. “When I heard that bitch had died, it felt like I was finally being released from prison,” said Safer. Then, sighing, Safer added, “I guess that old crabass is just too damned angry to rot in hell.”
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