Many celebrity justice advocates showed up at Lindsay’s arrival, many of whom wore t-shirts that read “Justice for Lindsay.” The advocates have been fighting for weeks to get Judge Marsha Revel to provide Lohan with the type of accommodations that a star of her caliber deserves. “Do you think Paris Hilton would even cop a squat in a dump like the Peninsula?” asked Sandy Baker, one of the leaders of the celebrity justice movement in Los Angeles. She added that the room in which Lindsay will be imprisoned – the Deluxe Suite with a King Bed – only goes for $1,800 a night and is even occasionally used by ”regular” people.

Although Lindsay will have a full-time chef there to prepare meals, a masseuse to massage her aching muscles, and a bartender/supplier on site to provide her with any number of requests, advocates stress that her punishment is beyond anything reasonably forced on the general public. “If a normal person got a DUI, do you think they would even be imprisoned?” asked Sandy Culbertson, head of the Lindsay Lohan fan club. “They would just pay a fine and that would be it. But Lindsay is not only being imprisoned, but she’s has to do it in a place that may or may not have fecal matter on the sheets.”

Lindsay’s attorney at this moment, Shawn Chapman Holley, is fighting to have Lohan moved to a more suitable facility. Holley is lobbying Judge Revel to move Lohan to Necker Island, an exclusive club on a deserted island that charges $10,000 a night. That, asserts Holley, would be “more suitable for a star of Lindsay’s magnitude.”

Audio engineers accidentally discovered the hidden messages while editing the tape for a YouTube parody. When playing the audio in reverse, they realized that Gibson was reciting various passages from the Bible. For instance, when Gibson told ex-girlfriend Oksana that she “looked like a fucking bitch in heat, and if she got raped by a pack of niggers, it would be her own fault,” the engineers discovered that Gibson was actually subliminally quoting Jeremiah 51 : “43 Her cities now lie in ruins; she is a dry wilderness where no one lives or even passes by.” Later, when Gibson told Oksana that she “should shut up and blow me, because I deserve it,” a backwards playing of the tape revealed that Gibson was actually quoting from the book of Joel : “Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other.”

Many religious leaders, most of whom had never seen a Bible in their lives, praised the one-time actor for his bravery and initiative. “Reverend” Jesse Jackson said that Gibson should be honored as one of the most creative preachers of all time. “I can’t even talk dat shit front-ways,” said Jackson, “but Mad Mel brought dat religious shit backwards, undah duh radar, like!” The Pope seized the opportunity to ask Gibson to become ordained as a priest for the Catholic Church, citing his ability to actually quote a Bible verse, as well as his complete lack of interest in fucking young buys.

But for Gibson, the praise does little to satisfy his unquenchable desire to plant Oksana in a rose garden. “She’s too much of a stupid fucking whore to understand the fucking Bible, forward or backwards,” said Gibson, adding, “she couldn’t get spiritual if I shoved a Bible into her bloody cunt five minutes after she was dead from a severe spinal injury.”

Like most wealthy Americans, Steinbrenner was born into money. He then took that enormous wealth and squandered it on the Yankees over the years. Despite having won 11 championships and seven World Series titles, Steinbrenner demonstrated that he had as much baseball knowledge as a wet rag in the corner of the shower room in the home clubhouse at Wrigley Field. Thanks to Steinbrenner’s blind and idiotic free agent spending sprees, most other teams in Major League Baseball quickly folded under the pressure of keeping up with the Yankees, thus ruining America’s Pasttime.

A spokesperson for the Yankees said that they are already searching the free agent market for a replacement for the departed leader. Qualities they are said to be looking for are a capacity to scream over the combined noise pollution of New York City, turn red in the face in under five seconds, sign blank checks blindfolded, and be unable to recognize a baseball in a bucket of baseballs. The Yankees said their minimum offer would start at $104 million a year on a twenty year contract.

The judge stated that when the SCRAM device was attached to Lohan’s left leg on Monday, it became erractic, started slurring, and eventually puked behind a trash can outside an Uncle Bill’s pancake house. SCRAM technicians blame the behavior on the alarming amounts of alcohol and drugs coursing through Lohan’s veins. They state this is the first time for such an occurrence in the ten year history of the monitoring system.

In response, Judge Revel decided to have another SCRAM device attached to Lohan’s device, in order to monitor the blood-alcohol level of the device. Revel said that the move was done because she feared for the health and safety of Lohan’s SCRAM, which would need to operate in “close proximity to the highest concentration of toxic material known to man.” The judge did not disclose if that description referred to the drugs and alcohol in her system, or if she was referring to Lohan’s vagina.

Dina Lohan filed a lawsuit against the judge early this morning. In her lawsuit, Dina states that the judge’s ruling would “prevent Lindsay Lohan from dying in a drug-induced puddle of vomit at an early age, thereby preventing Dina Lohan from earning significant amounts of income based on Lindsay’s early demise.” Dina is seeking $10 million in damages.

Paul Evans, who led the ten year Federally-funded study, revealed that being a member of a death metal band typically tends to shorten life spans. “People who make and perform this type of music generally hate living, and so it is not surprising that many of these performers die unnaturally young,” said Evans. He cited the overwhelming number of death metal band members who die of suicide, drug overdoses, and from being too stupid to remember to breathe.

Evans also pointed out that the risk is only slightly lower for death metal band fans, who show an alarming propensity to pummel each other in mosh pits, and often die of snapped necks while rocking out to their favorite band’s excessively-loud songs about murder and Satan. He also added that many death metal performers and fans die due to never leaving the house without being covered in black, which often leads to a severe vitamin D deficiency and death.

Alarmed by Gray’s death, President Obama vowed to introduce legislation that would make death metal music illegal across the country. In a statement, Obama said that death metal “represents one of the greatest threats to our nation’s security and unity.” He added that he would not be deterred from this course “unless the people change their minds about it.”

Slipknot publicist Bambi “Bloody Cunt” Johnson said that Gray’s corpse would be propped up at every Slipknot concert in order to rot in front of the fans. When asked why the band woulddo something like that, Johnson said that displaying Gray’s decomposing corpse would be “fucking righteous, dude.”

The gay trailblazer spoke at a conference yesterday promoting yet another in his series of videos. The newest one, Sweating To The Grave, features morbidly obese elderly people attempting to dance while confined to their deathbed. Simmons claims this newest video will “allow people to die with their chins up, knowing they never gave up on their weight loss goals.”

During the news conference, Simmons was quick to emphasize that he is still very much gay. “In fact, I’m gayer than I’ve ever been in my life,” said Simmons, cackling wildly. After dancing around the podium for ten minutes, Simmons proved his point by pulling down his famous striped shorts and showing everyone in attendance his anus, which resembled partially-digested roast beef strips dangling out of a balloon hole. In a slightly less awkward moment, Simmons blurted out that he currently does not have a significant other, “unless by ‘other’ you mean venereal diseases. In that case, I have several,” said the weight loss guru.

When asked if he ever loved a woman, Simmons smiled and said, “I love every woman who has purchased one of my videos!” When asked if he would ever consider having sex with a woman, Simmons nearly fainted before throwing up on himself. Once recovered, Simmons reinforced the fact that he prefers the cock “all day every day.” He also added that the species of cock is immaterial, “just as long as it shoots that warm love ooze right down my throat and all over my face,” said Simmons.

Simmons’ parents released a statement following the conference, in which they apologized to humanity for unleashing their flaming son on the world.

The expectant mother went out last night with some black dude who claims to be her husband. After dinner, Carey displayed the literal twins heaving and bobbing on her winded chest. “It’s not easy to breathe with these two babies on my chest,” said Carey, smiling weakly.

Carey underwent the controversial procedure to have fetuses implanted in her breasts. At the time, Carey claimed that she wanted larger breasts, but didn’t like cosmetic procedures to artificially create larger bosoms. “I prefer to enlarge them the natural way,” she said at the time. Rumor mills churned at the procedure, which many felt was undertaken due to her husband’s inability to be a man and impregnate her naturally.

But now, with the breasts nearly full term, Carey expressed relief that soon babies will spring forth from her burgeoning cleavage. “It’s been difficult carrying these twins around on my chest,” said the singer, adding, “I’m looking forward to be a double D again!”

The statement, read by Klein on several news outlets, detailed the sick perversion Jackson hid from the world. “I would like the world to know that I did not approve of Mr. Jackson’s repeated rapes of male Leprechauns,” said Klein in an interview, adding that Jackson “threatened (Klein) with actions up to and including rape if (he) ever revealed this secret.”

Klein did not reveal where Jackson met or acquired the Leprechauns needed for his habitual rapings. When asked how Jackson could rape anything largely believed to be a mythical creature, Klein simply said that he believed it to be true “in his heart of hearts. My friend, Michael Jackson, raped Leprechauns.”

Klein produced photographs of Jackson raping a Leprechaun to prove his slightly unbelievable story. Several sources came forward to question the validity of the photographs, noting the apparent pasting of Jackson’s face over a porn scene using Photoshop. Klein denied these allegations, claiming that he “doesn’t even know where Photoshop is.” 

Joe Jackson was quick to denounce Klein’s assertions, claiming that Klein was only after more money and more attention. “We all know Michael only loved to rape young white boys, not leprechauns,” said Jackson in his late son’s defense. Afterwards, Jackson revealed exclusive photos of a young Michael being anally violated by alien donkeys. Jackson said the bidding for the photos begins at $250,000 a piece.

The former Poison singer’s terrible misfortune stunned the music world. Seeing Michaels, a celebrity with a jovial, larger-then-life personality, suddenly struck down has left his fans in utter shock. ”I left my part-time job as a stripper as soon as I heard the news,” said Brandi Templeton as she waited in the hospital lobby for updates. “Bret Michaels is my dream man, and I won’t leave his side until he has recovered and returned to a life of banging waitresses and starring in reality shows.”

But today’s discovery of a possible cause of the aneurysm left many doctors baffled. The aneurysm was apparently caused by the new Poison album that Michaels was secretly working on at the time it struck. “Our current hypothesis is that Mr. Michaels’ body, upon hearing the new Poison tracks, decided to kill itself in an effort to stop the production of the album,” said Doctor Franklin Harvester, a brain surgeon at Cedar Sinai hospital. When asked if this was a likely explanation, Dr. Harvester added, seriously: “Have you heard the new songs?”

For Professor Earnest Growling, such occurrences are more common than anyone realizes. “In my mind, natural selection is one of the leading causes of death in the world,” said Growling. “At some point, evolution decides that certain developments are unacceptable for the improvement of the human species, and it takes steps to eliminate those developments.” When asked if Michaels’ aneurysm might be a case of natural selection, Growling agreed completely. “It is obvious that natural selection, upon hearing this new Poison album, decided that the best course of action would be to eliminate Michaels from the food chain.” Growling added: “I mean, have you heard the new songs?”

Distraught Poison sluts pose outside the hospital where Bret Michaels clings to life.

But this scientific explanation does little to soothe the unquenchable heartache felt by Michaels’ fans. It is obvious that many of these distraught fans feel like Templeton, who said, through tears, that she hopes Michaels recovers quickly and gets back to doing what he does best. “Ever since I was a little girl, I imagined that Bret would wander into the bar I work at and take me into a broom closet and ass fuck me,” she said, proudly. “He can’t die. I’m not ready to give up on my dream just yet.”

The odds of Lindsay Lohan dying of a drug overdose jumped up to 1-9, sparking a furious investment by most Lohan watchers. In regards to her imminent demise, other close odds among active bets included:

• Lindsay falling into active volcano (while drunk) : 3-2 odds
• Lindsay being torn apart by UFO (while trying to insert it into her vagina): 4-1 odds
• Lindsay dying (from overdose) and becoming the Star Child: 10-1 odds.

Bets have been curiously high recently for the rest of the Lohan family as well. Betting has been furious for the possibilities awaiting family patriarch Michael Lohan. In addition to getting shot by a Perez Hilton reader (odds: 4-2), other highly-prized bets include:

• Michael Lohan’s brain forgetting to breathe: 5-3 odds
• Michael Lohan sex tape: 8-1 odds
• Michael Lohan is possessed by spirit of P.T. Barnum: 20-1 odds

Mother Dina Lohan has only one possibility currently making oddsmakers drool: 3-2 odds that she will die from an orange-colored melanoma. In related news, the odds that a non-existent Supreme Being will create itself in order to smite the entire Lohan family rose to 75%.

Ali Lohan had no comment on this story.