An artist's rendering of what the royal consummation might look like.

As is customary, the prince and his new bride must consummate their vows in front of an audience in order to “seal the deal.” In the past, this royal consummation would take place in front of the royal family in the royal bed chamber in relative privacy. However, given the high level of interest in this marriage and the subsequent revenue streams it has produced, the royal family has decided to televise the moment for the enjoyment and awe of the whole world.

Experts predict that it might be several months before the event happens, given the inability of most British men to become effectively aroused by a human female. This is especially true of the offspring of Prince Charles, who famously could not consummate his marriage with Princess Diana after many years. As many shamefully remember, Charles instead chose to eventually mount the female centaur known as Camilla Parker Bowles. Experts fear that the balding Prince William may have inherited some of his father’s impotency as well.

When it does happen, however, audiences are sure to be thrilled. Pamela Brinkerton, head of the William And Kate Triumphal Love Fan Club predicts that the moment of consummation will be at once romantic and seductive. “When he sticks his royal penis into her royal vagina while mounting her royally in the doggie style position, it will be like watching a real life fairy tale,” said Brinkerton breathlessly.

Media watchers expect the consummation to shatter the viewing audience record set by the wedding itself, mainly because, unlike the wedding, there will be so many men watching it as well. “Men aren’t interested in fairy tale weddings,” said television’s Dr. Drew Pinsky, “but they are interested in watching Kate get mouth raped by William and then having a royal load shot all over her face.” Bets are currently being made in Las Vegas as to whether Kate takes it in the ass during the royal consummation.

When asked for a comment, the Queen said that she appreciated the tremendous interest in her grandson’s consummation because “that means we won’t get kicked out of our castle and forced to live on the street like Commoners.”

Trump’s first order of business if he is elected is to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy in order to clear up the trillions of dollars of debt the U.S. currently owes its creditors. “Paying back loans and other unsecured debt is for suckers and morons,” said Trump. “If we want to be a great nation again, we need to simply stop paying people back and default on these ridiculous debts immediately.”

"The Donald" goes over bankruptcy papers for the United States as part of his economic policy as President

Although many have mocked this newly-revealed economic plan, Trump insists that he knows how to make it work for the American people. “I’m worth billions of dollars, and I have never paid anything back – ever,” barked Trump defiantly, “and America can do the same thing.”

Rather than follow President Obama’s disastrous plan to simply print more money, Trump feels that simply ignoring debt until it goes away is the best way to go. “Bankruptcy would completely free up America from annoying debt and allow it to be prosperous again,” Trump insisted, adding that he knows this best because he’s “gone bankrupt several times and it worked like a charm.”

Despite the harsh criticism he’s received from political pundits, economists, and the unemployed masses living in tent cities, Trump remains adamant on his plan. He intends to file the motion for bankruptcy immediately after moving all of the gold in Fort Knox to a secure location, “probably in the vault of Trump Towers,” said the game show host. “After that,” Trump said, “the rest is easy pickens.”

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Carey discussed how difficult it’s been over the last couple of years to carry around full-grown children in her stomach. “Those little suckers have grown so fast,” said Carey, rubbing her enormous belly, “and they weigh a ton, too. I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever!”The singer admits to gaining “four hundred pounds” on her already-ample frame, which “gives those little buggers room to move around,” said Carey.

Although criticized for never actually giving birth to her twins at the natural nine-month window, Carey and husband Nick Cannon insist that it’s been for the best. “We‘ve saved a lot of money on clothing by simply keeping them inside of me,” said Carey. Cannon added that it makes parenting a snap, since the children are kept out of sight and therefore out of mind.

Carey said the real challenge comes later in life, when her unborn twins find a mate and wish to get married. “I have no idea what we’ll do then,” said Carey, gripping Cannon’s hand tightly. “I’m big, but not big enough for all of that!”

Tasteful new ads for Melissa Leo's campaign to fight Tourette's Syndrome

Families across America and around the world were shocked to hear acclaimed actress Melissa Leo scream the word “FUCK” during her acceptance speech after her win at the 83rd Academy Awards last week. Now the star of The Fighter has decided to come out with her dark personal anguish: she has Tourette’s Syndrome.

The embarrassing malady, which afflicts three or four people in the United States, involves an uncontrolled outburst that usually causes a person to scream obscenities in public. While this phenomenon often makes for hilarious YouTube videos that garner millions of fans, it’s less acceptable when it occurs during the most important, prestigious, and glamorous night of the year.

Leo found this out the hard way after she ruined the Oscar telecast by screaming, “When I watched Kate two years ago, it looked so FUCKING EASY” into the microphone. Most Hollywood insiders figured Leo did this on purpose as part of her manipulative plan to garner as much attention as possible. They noted the obvious way she yelled the words slowly so that every little kid watching would know exactly what word she said. Many in Hollywood have distanced themselves from Leo because of her cheap stunt.

However, Leo insists that it’s not a stunt, but rather an unfortunate and private illness. “I can’t FUCK fucking help myself,” said Leo in a private interview. “I’ve had FUCK this fucking Tourette’s BASTARD all my life, and it was sad that SHIT it happened on live television,” she added regretfully.

Leo has decided to campaign for more research money to fight this dreaded disease. “I just want to FUCK YOU help the young people know more about this GODDAMIT horrible illness that offended everyone that night FUCK FUCK FUCK I won the Oscar,” said the actress.

When questioned about why Tourette’s sufferers only scream obscenities, Leo smiled and simply said, “FUCK YOU, PRICK!”

Pictures surfaced this weekend of Tyler engaged in transsexual sex with a young black male. Most shocking, however, was the revelation that Tyler himself was the transsexual in the tryst. The pictures, taken on a trip to the Orient, show a pre-op Tyler mounting and inserting his erect penis into the black boy, who appears to be in pain. The photographs reveal Tyler’s large, supple breasts and curvaceous figure, which he has cleverly concealed over the years with eccentric veils and scarves that many thought were simply rock star apparel.

Tyler mounts an anoymous black male in this exclusive leaked pic

For Tyler’s female fans, this is stunning news. “I used to throw my panties at him in concert,” said Alyssa Jamieson, a long-time Aerosmith fan. Jamieson used to imagine that Tyler kept them as a souvenir, but now she realizes that “he probably took them home and tried them on.” Male fans were less shocked. “I always thought he looked a little too pretty,” said Derek Houlk, a fan of Aerosmith from Michigan, quickly adding, “for a guy, I mean.”

Tyler’s bandmates in Aerosmith were not surprised by the photos. In a statement, guitarist Joe Perry said that “it was about fucking time (Tyler) came out with it,” adding that he didn’t care what Tyler did “just as long as he doesn’t come at me with that weird shemale shit.” The other members of Aerosmith had no comment because nobody knows who they are or care what they think about anything. 

Most fans seem to be slowly accepting the news with a bit of resignation. “I still love the music, and Steven is cool with me,” said 45 year old Natalie Brooks, “although I’m not sure I ever want to hear Dude Looks Like A Lady ever again.”

But a paparazzi photograph threatens to shatter that wholesome illusion.

Bieber and Gomez were surprised by photographers as they engaged in illicit sexual conduct in a car in the Hollywood Hills after a romantic dinner celebrating Bieber’s 17th birthday Tuesday night. The couple pulled apart just as paparazzi descended on the car and snapped this picture:

Eyewitnesses say that Bieber was fingering Gomez’s vagina when the picture was taken. According to photographer Lyle Grallen, the substance on Bieber’s finger proves the picture is authentic. “The bean dip and cheese could only come from Selena’s vagina,” said Grallen, “because there wasn’t any kind of nacho appetizer in the vehicle.”

For Grallen and others, the picture really captures the exact moment of Bieber’s lost innocence. “You can see the look of disgust on his cherubic face as he realizes that he just pulled bean dip out of her vagina,” said Grallen, adding that “the mistake of fingering a Mexican will haunt his career and sex life forever.”

As for Gomez, she was clearly embarrassed by the moment. “Selena was shocked that her intricately-plotted scheme to ensnare Justin had been foiled by us,” said fellow photographer Gene McKibben, referring to a Celebrity Freakshow exclusive news report about Gomez’s attempts to marry Bieber and become a legal U.S. citizen. McKibben added that “she also seemed really embarrassed by the overpowering smell of burnt beans wafting out of her pussy.”

Reps for both stars denied the allegations, and would not comment on a Wednesday morning grocery shopping trip by Bieber to pick up some jalapeno peppers and Tostitos.

Albert Pujols waves to throngs of Cardinals fans who will soon be his slaves after acceptance of new contract

JUPITER, FLORIDA – Amidst throngs of media and furious speculation about his future, St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols began spring training this week for what many feel will be his last as a Redbird. Free agency looms at the end of the season after it was learned that Pujols rejected the team’s contract offer.

Although the contract proposal has been a well-kept secret between Pujols and the club, a source in the clubhouse has provided Celebrity Freakshow with exclusive details of the Cardinals’ offer:

• A ten year contract worth $300 million dollars
• Part ownership stake in the Cardinals
• The Arch would be melted down and fashioned into an enormous necklace that Pujols would wear during every game.
• The right to decide not to run to first base if he doesn’t feel like it
• St. Louis would break away from the United States and become a sovereign nation known as either “Dominican Republic North” or “Pujolsville”
• Every first-born male child in “Pujolsville” would be required to spend five consecutive years of their choosing as an indentured servant. Duties will include washing and detailing Pujols’ monster truck.

Artist's rendering of St. Louis riverfront after conversion to "Pujolsville." Pujols said it reminded him of home

Pujols rejected this offer. In a prepared statement, owner Bill DeWitt said that he “didn’t know what else he could possibly offer to Pujols,” and added that the only thing left to try would be a large scale human sacrifice to Pujols’ god.

DeWitt is currently investigating this option.

An Instant Partnership

The mole of Enrique Iglesias considers itself one of the most important factors in the instant success of the Latin heartthrob. “I was his childhood friend,” said the mole, fondly reminiscing, “we used to spend so many days together writing great music.” Once success found the duo, the mole began suspecting something was wrong. “Enrique started turning his head to the right in videos, trying to limit my exposure to the camera,” said the mole. It added: “That was the beginning of the end.”

A Fateful Appointment

One day in 2007, Enrique approached his partner about a scheduled doctor’s visit. “Enrique said he wanted to have me seen by a specialist because we had been tanning a lot and I was turning colors,” said the mole wistfully. While the tests returned inconclusive, Enrique became distant. “We weren’t writing songs together much at that time,” said the mole, “and Enrique was always putting heavy pancake makeup on me to disguise my presence, even though he said he just wanted to try something new visually.”

The End Of A Partnership

The mole recalls the day they broke up as if it just happened yesterday. “Enrique said we were going to get some ice cream, and suddenly I fell asleep,” recalled the mole, “and when I awoke, I was separated from his face.” Enrique left the operating room that day and never looked back. “I haven’t spoken to him or seen him since he tricked me,” said the mole.

Music doesn’t come easily these days for the singer/songwriter/mole since the breakup. “Enrique and I were a team, almost feeding off of each other,” said the mole, “and I don’t understand why he would break up that kind of rare magic.” The mole is quick to point out that Enrique hasn’t done well without the mole firmly attached to his face. “Have you heard the shit he’s put out since? It’s awful,” said the mole.

Enrique Iglesias had no comment.

Singer Christina Aguilera defiant at press conference after flubbing the words to the National Anthem

Most Americans were shocked and disgusted by Christina Aguilera’s omission of a line during her performance of the National Anthem at yesterday’s Super Bowl. To those people, Aguilera has only two words: “Who cares?”

That terse statement was the response from Aguilera in a hastily-organized press conference this afternoon. The singer and Razzie award nominated actress appeared unconcerned following her performance in front of 100 million people, when she completely removed a couplet from the 200 year old anthem of the United States. The song is considered one of the greatest musical beacons of freedom and liberty in the world.

Except, apparently, to Aguilera. A defiant Aguilera defended her mistake. “It’s like old and stuff,” said Aguilera as she applied another coat of thick red lipstick to her mouth. “Besides, who cares?” she added.

Aguilera said that the most important aspect of the song “isn’t the lyrics, but how loud you can scream into the microphone,” she said. “Nobody listens to those lyrics. They’re, like, way too old and they barely mean anything,” stated Aguilera between lipstick applications. “Singing the Star Spangled whatever-it’s-called is all about reaching as many notes as possible, or maybe causing hearing loss or seizures,” she added.

Critics pointed out that Aguilera not only messed up the lyrics to a song considered sacred by many Americans, but also defiled it with a performance that sounded, as one critic pointed out, like “a parakeet giving birth to a fiery armadillo while being stabbed with barbs dipped in a neurotoxin.” In response, Aguilera simply said, “Eat shit.”

Following the news conference, Aguilera went to her hotel room, got drunk, and had sex with multiple men on an American flag before vomiting stale beer and ejaculate all over it and passing out. Representatives for the singer had no further comment.