Says creator and head writer J.J. Abrams: “We’re fucked.”

The show, which chronicles the survivors of a horrendous plane crash as they discover the mysteries of their unwelcoming island home, was the darling of television’s highest honors when it debuted in 2004. With its daring combination of top-notch talent and a startling premise, the show took off in the ratings and swept the Emmys for several years.

But then the trouble began.

Abrams freely admits that the entire show was nothing more than a lark, initiated from a bet he made with X-FILES creator Chris Carter. “Chris (Carter) bet me that I couldn’t make a television series more bewildering and nonsensical than the one he created with X-FILES,” said Abrams, who has a long list of pointless credits to his name already. “So I took that bet.”

But Abrams now feels that tackling this assignment was a terrible mistake. “In the last few years, the fans have been hounding me constantly about the meanings of various events and characters on the show. Some of these fans and their questions actually terrify me in primal ways.”

Fans of the show have been complaining loudly that the series seems to be making careless mistakes with the timeline, and they often cite several inconsistencies in the character arcs. However, most fans of the show believe that the series has a definite end that will tie everything together. As longtime fan and LOST message board troll Chris Daniel said recently, “the show will make sense by the time it’s all said and done.”

Not true, says Abrams. “We don’t have a single fucking clue how this is supposed to end. We’re basically pulling it all out of our asses from show to show,” said Abrams. Added longtime series writer Damon Lindelof: “I basically just write down dreams I’ve had the night before, and hope it makes sense. Sometimes I write the scripts by throwing paint at a canvas until it forms word-like pictures.”

Series star Matthew Fox admits that he long ago stopped caring about the words coming out of his mouth. “I just try to keep breathing, which is really the only consistent character trait Jack Shephard (his character on the show) has exhibited,” said the actor recently. “I really just want it to end so I can go onto something with some sort of actual meaning.”

But for series fans, the hope still endures that their long wait will result in a transforming resolution. “I just know that this series will end with the most amazing climax ever seen on television,” said Daniel in a recent online message. “It will forever change life on Earth.”

When this remark was brought to Abrams’ attention, he shook his head, laughed, and simply replied: “What a poor pathetic bunch of lifeless dumbasses.”

Movie bloggers from across the blogosphere competed in multiple events, each vying for the kind of riches and fame that even a career in movie blogging cannot attain. Here is a breakdown of the event by competition:

Misplaced Movie Enthusiasm- Several movie bloggers competed in this controversial event, in which bloggers were asked to create a response to a film that was inversely proportionate to the film being viewed. The film shown was GHOST RIDER, which was introduced by star Nicholas Cage. The third runner-up in the competition, a yellow Labrador named Charlie, dropped his soggy tennis ball, marked the movie screen by urinating on it, and then rolled on his back, exposing his extended red penis. The second runner up, Ben Lyons, formerly of At The Movies, took 134 photographs with an exhausted Cage before offering to rim the entire cast and crew of the film on camera. The first runner-up, Alex Billington of FirstShowing, spontaneously ejaculated during the opening credits, followed by non-stop cheering at the film, which culminated in cardiac arrest near the end of the final battle. Once revived, Alex declared that the film was so much fun that he wanted to see it in a continuous loop forever.

The eventual winner of the event, Harry Knowles of Aint It Cool News, howled throughout most of the film while bouncing joyously in his wheelchair. He screamed out the word “Yoko!” several times at random moments. Afterwards, Harry wrote that “the film was more enjoyable than a demonic goat fucking a Chinese kid’s ass in a Skittles rainstorm!!!!” The judges gave him extra points for his overuse of exclamation points.

CGI Resistance - For this, contestants were strapped to a chair and monitored for blood pressure, heart rate, and genital stimulation while a series of CGI shots were shown onscreen.  The blogger to survive the CGI onslaught was declared the winner.

Several bloggers gave out during this demanding test. John Campea of The Movie Blog and a cross-eyed Billington both passed out during a series of blurry, incomprehensible CGI shots from the TRANSFORMERS series, which the judges felt was the easiest part of the competition. Billington in particular upset the judges when he blurted out, “this is the greatest technological achievement in film history” before being disqualified permanently.

The second runner up in the event was David Carr, who fell asleep during a JURASSIC PARK highlight reel; his snores of carelessness secured the bronze. First runner up was Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere, who complained loudly out throughout the E.T. reel about E.T.’s excessive weight and lack of appropriate male footwear. The winner, by a landslide, was Rex Reed of The New York Observer. His heart rate never wavered, and his genitalia never registered on the equipment, even during the climactic STAR WARS SPECIAL EDITION footage. Afterwards, Reed secured his victory by waving a lace handkerchief at the judges and declaring the entire episode “a lot of nonsensical poppycock.”

Most Contrarian - In this competition, movie critics were asked to watch films with a generally strong consensus, and then contradict that consensus with a contrarian view.  Expectations for this event were high, as all contestants are keenly aware of what a contrary viewpoint does to website hits.

The second runner-up was David Poland of The Hot Blog, who whined about the excessive use of black and white photography and jarring use of sound in CITIZEN KANE. The first runner up was Devin Faraci of CHUD, who disagreed with every answer in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE while stroking his unpopular beard. The winner of the event was Armond White of New York Press, who argued vehemently against the judges for ten minutes when they simply stated, “Armond White is alive and a male human.”

Nastiest Reviewer – Nick Nunziata of CHUD won this handily by using the word “cunt” nine times in three sentences while reviewing MARY POPPINS.

In all, the event was a resounding success. Event organizers are already planning next year’s competition. They say that they intend to include more events, including:

Best Blowjob (Celebrity/Director/Writer/CGI Artist) – in which contestants are asked to give oral sex to a famous industry insider.

James Cameron Whack-A-Thon – in which contestants are asked to ejaculate onto a poster of James Cameron on the set of ALIENS, the winner determined by amount of semen in ounces.

Tarantino Pudding Lick – a fun event in which contestants are asked to eat excrement from the anus of Quentin Tarantino.

Tuck And Run – Contestants must tuck their penises between their legs like Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and then chase after a UPS driver carrying studio gifts.

Kevin Smith Laugh-A-Thon – Contestants are forced to watch the funniest bits of Kevin Smith’s career; the last one still managing to laugh wins.

The O.F.C.S. promises next year’s Olympics will be the best yet. Tickets are already on sale at their website.

Blogger Jeffrey Wells, who writes a daily column about movies and other random factoids called Hollywood Elsewhere, has climbed to the top of a local L.A. Gear sneaker shop on Rodeo to protest the general stupidity and lack of fashion sense among the American populace.

Wells has complained about many of the less important aspects of society before, often citing exposed men’s feet and pudginess as reasons to hate humanity. These posts often overtook Wells’ column, which at one time was intended to focus on film.

Several readers have in recent weeks been alarmed at the militant tone of Wells’ posts, most of whom were banned at any mention of concern about the tone of the articles. “I used to read Hollywood Elsewhere for the insightful comments about the movie business,” said frequent poster D.Z., an unworthy recipient of Wells’ fickle ban. “But anymore, the site has become a pissing ground for Wells’ ideas about weight gain, intelligence, and hygiene.” D.Z. then provided several links to prove his position, all of which pointed to random YouTube videos.

Wells, who was once considered the sanest man in the movie business, has recently made a mission out of bragging about his intellectual and physical superiority. Among the evidence Wells supplies for this includes pictures of his own footwear, which show unequivocally that Wells has a keen fashion sense derived from closely studying BACK TO THE FUTURE II.  

In an interview conducted with Wells from his rooftop perch via his ever-present laptop, Wells defended his suicide threat. “When I plummet from this parapet, I will free my mind from the intellectual prison of this inferior race of creatures,” stated Wells eloquently. “I can no longer share this planet with all of these Jabbas, Truckstop Tommys, and Tammy Telehoosiers.” The interview was cut short by a freakish six hour interference with Wells’ $60 a month Aircard, the laborious details of which were shared in seven consecutive posts on his website.

When asked what finally sent him to this grim decision, Wells cited the recent spate of “detestable” summer blockbusters. And fat people. And men who wear open-toed sandals. And low thread count tee-shirts on anyone making over $100,000 a year. And uncooperative hotel managers. And everyone else who has not somehow met the rigorous standards Wells sets for everyone besides himself.

The final jump to his death has been scheduled to happen when G.I. JOE reaches $100 million in domestic earnings, which should happen next week. Wells will be joined in his death jump by his son Jett, who apparently long ago renounced friendship, love, and personal accomplishments in a lifetime quest to constantly accompany his father.

The two will be buried under Peter Jackson’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The polling firm Zogby recently asked 2,000 random people from 16 countries to list the five things that most fascinate them in life. The pollsters did not restrict their answers to anything specifically or obviously fascinating, like the career of Paris Hilton or the actual ingredients in Cornnuts.

The results were shocking. A full 83 percent listed the Gosselin family struggles as the most fascinating thing they have ever encountered. This topped the second most fascinating thing - popcorn butter - by 23 percent. Rounding out the top five most fascinating things: nail fungus, flip flops, and getting drunk.

Life on Earth changed irrevocably once the Gosselin family was featured in a reality television show that chronicled their endlessly interesting lives. The story of this extremely fertile couple and their eight children has become a cultural institution that has captivated all sentient beings. The show is now taught in most colleges as an example of television production, morality, and desirable human behavior.

That is fine by Betty Grable, who was polled by Zogby on the topic last week. “The Gosselin’s are my life,” said Grable, who admits that she has not left the house since the debut of the show. “I hate even talking to my real family because they pale in comparison to Jon and Kate.”

Many share Grable’s intense concern for everything Gosselin. One hundred and forty six people have already committed suicide due to the recent divorce of Kate and Jon, played out in heartbreaking detail on television. One lucky survivor was Darla Harris, who nearly strangled herself with an ironing cord when she saw pictures of Jon being unfaithful. “I am seeing a psychiatrist to deal with my devastation over (Jon’s) infidelity,” said Harris, whose neck still bears the scars of her attempt. “But we usually end up just talking about the show. He’s just as hooked as I am!”

As Gosselin fever sweeps the globe, President Obama has proposed making a national holiday called Jon and Kate Day, but the planned annual holiday was changed by Congress to a monthly observance. Said the President at a local eatery: “Although Jon and Kate are now separated, we can thank them for bringing us all together in the spirit of love and compassion. May they never leave television, or our hearts, minds, and prayers.”

In response to the poll, Kate Gosselin released this message to her billions of adoring fans: “Please leave me and my kids alone.”

Jon Gosselin was too busy having sex with sixteen year old babysitters to comment for this story.

Even more surprising is Abdul’s replacement on the talent show, which was announced today to a shocked group of seasoned journalists. Idol producer Ken Warwick and judge Simon Cowell told reporters that a standard mop, found in a janitorial office next to a water heater, will replace Abdul on the upcoming ninth season, which begins in two weeks.

Warwick emphasized that this represents a clear message to the millions of Idol fans around the world. “From the beginning, the show was about talent,” stated Warwick. “In the end, we felt that this mop was a better representation of talent and the spirit of winning.”

For Cowell, the announcement is bittersweet. “Look, the woman (Abdul) is a moron in the most complete meaning of the word,” said the feisty British judge. “She had no right to judge music, or even form an opinion about it if it was randomly playing on her car stereo.” Added Cowell: “She’s a pretty hot piece of ass for an old bitch, though.”

There has been no word on whether the mop will be wet or dry for its Idol premiere. More important than that, says Cowell, is the sense of respectability that the mop brings to the show. Says Cowell: “Paula’s opinions on music, fashion, and the world in general often brought the rest of us down. Surely this mop will do nothing but improve our image.”

Both producers admit that Paula’s drug addictions probably had much to do with her rambling, nonsensical judgments on the show. “There were times when we’d turn off her microphone in order to save the show from one of her disconnected brain farts,” said Warwick. Cowell added that Abdul “made me want to kill children whenever she mumbled something.”

While Idol judge Randy Jackson has released an official statement praising Abdul’s contribution to the show, his friends have told Celebrity Freakshow exclusively that Jackson has been desperately cleaning out any of his possible replacements from the tampon bin in the ladies restroom.

With the mop firmly ensconced in the third Idol chair, many insiders wonder what will become of Abdul now. Following her departure from Idol, Abdul was rumored to be in the running as a judge for Dancing With The Stars. That deal fell through, however, when the producers of that hit series decided to hire a used condom found floating in a stagnant pool of water.

When reached for a comment, Abdul managed only a few snorts and a cackle before falling into a peculiar, narcoleptic-like slumber. Her publicist would like it emphasized that Ms. Abdul does not do drugs or drink alcohol, and any resemblance to such addictions is purely coincidental.

Creator George Lucas announced today that his production company, Lucasfilm, is gearing up to return STAR WARS to a movie screen near you. The proposed new trilogy, entitled THE HOTH TRILOGY, will chronicle the years between the films THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and RETURN OF THE JEDI.

Lucas stated that the trilogy is one the fans demanded of him. “I’m so sick of doing STAR WARS films, but the fans demand it of me,” said Lucas at his Encino ranch. “The letters have been pouring in asking for more information about what happened on Hoth after the rebels abandoned it.”

Setting this new trilogy of films on Hoth might seem like  a surprising one, given the fact that EMPIRE shows it as an uninhabitable ball of ice.  But Lucas insists that Hoth presents a wealth of amazing stories just dying to be told. “People don’t realize that there are things that happened on Hoth after the rebels left. Like that ice monster, for instance. How did it survive with only one arm? These are the things that we will explore in greater digital detail.”

Fans of the long-running series can also expect to see a few old favorites. Lucas promises not only a return of the snowbeast, but also a certain flying blue friend. “The STAR WARS universe is incredibly small, and that allows us to tie these stories and characters together so easily. It’s like poetry, and it needs to rhyme,” said Lucas cryptically. “In the Hoth series, we will learn how Watto ended up on a barren ice cube in space after the events of the prequel trilogy. I also think there will be a lot of spaceships landing and taking off.”

However, the harsh environments of Hoth will not dull the cherished humor of the beloved series. Lucas promises many more hilarious hijinks in outer space. “The prequel trilogy showed that fans were hungry for more fun and slapstick in STAR WARS,” added Lucas, his jowls jiggling excitedly. Without giving anything away, Lucas mischievously hinted that “ice monsters get gassy, too.”

In addition to the films, Lucas is planning a radical promotional campaign to push sales to the limit. Most creatively, Lucas has invented what he calls “napkin adventures.” According to Lucas, the new invention will be a regular set of dinner napkins, each printed with part of the continuing Hoth saga. Napkin users can read exciting adventures while they wipe various orifices. The idea, says Lucas, came from his adopted son Jett, who suffers from a mentally-debilitating sort of palsy. “Jett comes up with great ideas all the time,” says the proud father. “For instance, his learning disabilities allowed him to come up with most of the names of the prequel trilogy characters, as well as the entire storyline.” 

As for the proposed art films that Lucas swore to direct after REVENGE OF THE SITH, Lucas is surpringly curt. “That was a bunch of horseshit,” said the director, smiling. “You can’t make billions and billions of dollars with art.”

In a recent interview, Lohan spoke at length about her career. In one of her more candid responses, Lohan talked about some of the people in her life who have provided inspiration during her rapid rise to superstardom.

“My mother has been a real strength to me in my life, but especially in my career,” Lohan said, adding, “I wouldn’t even know what a bronzer was if it hadn’t been for her.” Lohan was quick to dispel rumors of strife between the two entertainment icons. “My mother is, like, everything to me. We’re closer than sisters. Before Samantha (Ronson), I would even let my boyfriends sleep with her. Hell, I’d even let Samantha take a couple of licks, too!”

But Lohan, who has not done anything since 1999′s FREAKY FRIDAY, saved her most effusive praise for the one actor who has provided the blueprint for most of her career: Ryan O’Neal. Though a surprising choice, Lohan has good reasons to consider O’Neal to be a guiding light in the troubled waters of Hollywood.

“Look at Ryan,” said the actress, “He’s amazing! He hasn’t done anything at all except get drunk for almost forty years, and yet he still gets into the finest restaurants and bars, and tabloids still talk about him! That’s the kind of power I want to have in my career, and I’m working really hard to emulate his desire to work less and leech off of society.”

Lohan also named other similar inspirations, including Paris Hilton, the “guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell,” and Tom Arnold. Of Arnold in particular, Lohan gushed: “Look at how that guy mentions a sequel to TRUE LIES, like, every other year! That was two decades ago, and he’s still living off of it! Amazing!”

Lohan was keen to elaborate further, but a fight broke out between her and Samantha Ronson in front of a group of paparazzi.

In related news, Ryan O’Neal held a press conference this morning to announce a new reality show involving his renewed relationship with the corpse of Farrah Fawcett, which O’Neal had extracted from her grave just hours before. According to sources, the show will follow O’Neal’s grieving process as he comes to grips with the death of his meal ticket. The show has been picked up for nine seasons.

According to close friends, Apatow is just as bewildered as the industry pundits over the failure of his latest film. Widely considered to be one of the strongest comedic premises in recent movie history, the film stars Adam Sandler as a comic who discovers he has a terminal disease, only to recover and realize what is truly important in life. Of his latest laugh-out-loud comedy, Apatow promised: “There won’t be a dry eye in the house!”

It has yet to be seen how the failure of FUNNY PEOPLE will affect Apatow’s next feature, currently in production. Although there has been no official word from Universal on the state of Apatow’s next film, most industry insiders predict it will be delayed indefinitely following the failure of FUNNY PEOPLE. This newest comedy, tenatively titled DEATH RATTLE , will star Jaden Smith as a child dying of cancer and confined to his bed. The film was supposed to be, according to Apatow, “an intimate look at the death process … except with laughs.” Most insiders agree that the film, if it is made at all, will be trimmed substantially from its projected running time of three hours and twenty nine minutes.

Judd Apatow has declined an interview for this article.

Photographer Steven Childs took the camera to the set of Michael Bay’s newest film, TRANSFORMERS 3: THE ASS OF MEGAN FOX. Although he was hoping to snap a picture of Fox baring her soul, Childs accidently captured Bay clowing around on the set. And that’s when he took the picture of a lifetime.

The resulting picture clearly shows a fiery red demon leaving the body of the acclaimed director of THE ROCK and ARMAGEDDON. Childs, stunned by the photograph, claims that he was not trying to embarrass the director. “I’m a paparazzo,” Childs commented, “it’s my job to get in as close as I can to my subjects.”

A spokesman for Minolta stated that their new Delta 6 camera will not be made available to the general public, fearing an onslaught of hideous soul pictures being taken in bathrooms and posted on MySpace.

But for Childs, his remarkable photograph remains the talk of Hollywood. “I have been approached by some celebrities, asking how they can get Bay’s demon accessory. They refuse to believe it’s a real demon coming out of Michael Bay’s chest,” said Childs. He added, “Michael clearly has them fooled.”

Reactions on film websites was swift and predictably harsh, as Michael Bay has long been a topic of tremendous consternation among movie fans worldwide. Ain’t It Cool News founder Harry Knowles released a statement, saying that the demon pictured is ”cooler than a three year old Chinese boy getting an assful of bull cock while lapping up foamy cum from Phyllis Diller’s pussy hole.” Burbanked founder Alan Lopuszynski stated simply, “I knew it!”

A spokesperson for Michael Bay stated that the famed director had no immediate comment on the picture, adding that fans around the world should “just keep watching the movies, and everything will be alright.”