Tasteful new ads for Melissa Leo's campaign to fight Tourette's Syndrome

Families across America and around the world were shocked to hear acclaimed actress Melissa Leo scream the word “FUCK” during her acceptance speech after her win at the 83rd Academy Awards last week. Now the star of The Fighter has decided to come out with her dark personal anguish: she has Tourette’s Syndrome.

The embarrassing malady, which afflicts three or four people in the United States, involves an uncontrolled outburst that usually causes a person to scream obscenities in public. While this phenomenon often makes for hilarious YouTube videos that garner millions of fans, it’s less acceptable when it occurs during the most important, prestigious, and glamorous night of the year.

Leo found this out the hard way after she ruined the Oscar telecast by screaming, “When I watched Kate two years ago, it looked so FUCKING EASY” into the microphone. Most Hollywood insiders figured Leo did this on purpose as part of her manipulative plan to garner as much attention as possible. They noted the obvious way she yelled the words slowly so that every little kid watching would know exactly what word she said. Many in Hollywood have distanced themselves from Leo because of her cheap stunt.

However, Leo insists that it’s not a stunt, but rather an unfortunate and private illness. “I can’t FUCK fucking help myself,” said Leo in a private interview. “I’ve had FUCK this fucking Tourette’s BASTARD all my life, and it was sad that SHIT it happened on live television,” she added regretfully.

Leo has decided to campaign for more research money to fight this dreaded disease. “I just want to FUCK YOU help the young people know more about this GODDAMIT horrible illness that offended everyone that night FUCK FUCK FUCK I won the Oscar,” said the actress.

When questioned about why Tourette’s sufferers only scream obscenities, Leo smiled and simply said, “FUCK YOU, PRICK!”

Hospital nurses were shocked to see what Gabor, 93, had done with the excised limb following a two hour operation. In cooperation with her interior designers, Gabor’s leg was fitted with wiring and and lampshade and turned into the first lamp made from actual human tissue. Even better, Gabor decided to make her old, useless leg into a homage to one of her favorite films.

“I just love A Christmas Story, dahhhling,” said Gabor as she ran her hand over the decaying flesh of her formerly-attached limb. Added Gabor in her strange, indecipherable accent: ”The movie makes me laugh and laugh, so I wanted my leg to remind me of happy times.”

Ironically, Gabor has become quite attached to the lamp. Repeated attempts to remove the mouldering leg lamp from Gabor’s room by the hospital staff have been unsuccessful. “It’s turning black and starting to smell pretty bad,” said head nurse Janet Wydown, “but Miss Gabor simply will not part with it.”

As for Gabor’s future plans, she’s hoping to develop arm cancer so that she can create her tribute to the James Franco film 127 Hours.

Author J.K. Rowling reading Twilight and laughing hysterically.

Competition is hardly something author J.K. Rowling worries about these days as she collects huge residual checks to add to her billions earned as the creator of the Harry Potter books and films. But the world’s most successful writer has taken notice of how Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series has made inroads into Rowling’s large fanbase.

Rowling admitted today that she has finally read Meyer’s first novel in the wildly popular vampire series. Calling it “the work of an asexual mongoloid,” Rowling did not hold back in her criticisms of the book. “She uses the word ‘beautiful’ probably 4,000 times in the first chapter,” said Rowling on the grounds of her castle in Edinburgh, “it’s like (Meyer) doesn’t know very many English words to describe her world or her thoughts.” 

The British author had little positive to say about Meyer’s heroine, a sullen and lonely girl named Bella. “Bella might be the most depressing and worthless female character ever concocted in the literary world,” said Rowling. “I thought Kristen Stewart was simply a bad choice for the part, but, after reading it, she’s perfect.” Rowling felt that Bella, as portrayed in the novel, “set the women’s rights movement back to the Bronze Age.”

Rowling’s harshest criticisms were saved for Meyer’s literary techniques, which Rowling said was ”the physical embodiment of the old adage about 1,000 monkeys at 1,000 typewriters.” Rowling added that the prose in the book “couldn’t catch fire if it was soaked in gasoline and hurled into the sun.”

Rowling said that she managed to finish the book, although she likened the experience to “having my brain pulled out of my ears with coat hangers.” By the time she finished, Rowling said that she had developed a dependency on Valium, which she subsequently overcame by cleansing her palette with several books in the Captain Underpants series.

Meyer said that Rowling’s comments were “beautiful, much to my chagrin.”

LaBeouf units stand ready to be shipped out to families in need of bland entertainment.

With its plasticine, featureless face and bland personality, actor/android Shia LaBeouf has won the hearts of millions of moviegoers with programmed performances in films like Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull. Now fans can have that formless nothingness in their homes when they purchase a Shia LaBeouf android.

“As an exact replica, fans can expect Shia to wave and smile a lot, as well as repeat certain phrases forever,” said director and entrepreneur Steven Spielberg. While the director admits to overusing the android in many films over the last four years, he stressed that it was all in the name of fine-tuning the product. Said Spielberg: “I gave up making real films a long time ago. Most of my recent films have been test beds for various products that will add to my financial security.”

The Shia LaBeouf model does not have a penis

At Spielberg’s insistence, the LaBeouf robot was given the Transformers franchise despite the fact that it wasn’t fully tested at the time. It did, however, exceed all expectations. “The LaBeouf model did everything it was asked to do without any embellishment or creativity, which is a relief after years of dealing with real actors,” said Spielberg, chuckling to himself. In fact, Spielberg liked the LaBeouf android so much that he shoehorned it into the fourth Indiana Jones film as a way to test it in more adverse conditions, such as reading from a script by George Lucas. Yet again, it passed with flying colors. “The Indy film convinced me that The LaBeouf was ready for mass consumption,” said Spielberg. “If it could sell that piece of shit, then it could do anything!”

The model goes on sale for only $2.4 million dollars exclusively through Spielberg’s website.

Co-stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis showed up to support Stallone, who arrived at the event completely nude. While most of the celebrity guests came by limosine, Stallone strolled into the exclusive party riding the back of a llama. When asked why Stallone would show up on a llama, a drunken Steve Buscemi said that he obviously did it “for the publicity for his newest piece of shit film.”

Despite the heavy scent of testosterone in the room, few of the men expressed any problem with Stallone roaming the party naked. “I used to be a bodybuilder,” said Schwarzenegger in his thick Austrian accent, “so I’m quite comfortable being around naked men who are much smaller than I am.” Only Willis seemed genuinely upset by Stallone’s show of manhood, muttering repeatedly about Stallone being blessed with hair and a normally-shaped penis.

Despite such extraordinary lengths, Stallone’s The Expendables continues to drop at the box office. The llama had no comment as to why.

Stewart plans to spread her joy to the kids of Los Angeles.

After years of inspiring young girls to achieve their dreams through the love of a man in the Twilight series, actress Kristen Stewart has decided to help in a more personal way: becoming a motivational counselor.

The actress, known for her winning smile and effervescent personality, announced that she will spend several weeks a year working in a youth center in downtown Los Angeles. Her goal, according to her publicist, is to help “kids around the world feel just as good about themselves as I do about myself.”

In a statement at a press conference, Stewart recounted overcoming her own terrible circumstances to achieve happiness. “I was lost and devastated when I became a huge worldwide star,” said Stewart, taking a drag off of her cigarette. She added, “I was rich, loved by millions, and got to make out with some of the hottest, most desirable men in the world. I was in agony.”

Only by learning to confront her horrifying situation with a mask of joylessness was Stewart able to successful overcome her trials and tribulations. It’s that type of lesson she hopes to impart to the kids she meets at the youth center, many of whom have been beaten, burned, and abandoned. “While they haven’t had quite the same level of despair that I faced,” said Stewart, “I hope that I can teach them my methods for overcoming these difficulties.”

Stewart also plans to work the suicide hotline once a week, talking kids through difficult times with her patented blend of wit and warmth. “I know how it feels to be at the end of your rope, where you just want to end it all,” said Stewart knowingly. “I’ve been to fully-catered photo shoots in some penthouse studio in Manhattan where I just wanted to kill myself. So I know how it feels to face hard times.”

Although Stewart plans to exude her typical personal touch to her appearances, fans should not expect to get too close. “I will be behind bulletproof glass during my sessions, armed with a shade that I can drop if the kids start crying or some bullshit,” said Stewart, lighting another cigarette. “I want to help, but I don’t need to see that.”

Fresh off his success with The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Bruckheimer announced that he would be adapting Stephens’ simple doodle into a major motion picture. ”That picture has everything that anyone could possibly want in a summer film,” said Bruckheimer, drooling slightly onto his $1,500 suit.

The winning picture shows four smiling, orb-like beings with rainbows for hair. That’s all it takes to make $50 million in first-weekend grosses, said the scintillating producer behind some of Hollywood’s most amazing entertainments. When pressed for details about the possible plot of this film, Bruckheimer became defensive. “Look, they’re making a fucking Ant-Man movie,” he said tersely. “Let’s just say that they’ll be four superheroes who shoot rainbows out of the top of their fucking heads. Nobody gives a shit as long as there are special effects.”

As for the Stephens family, they have only one regret. “We wish we would have held out for more money,” said Andy Stephens, Bethany’s father. “When Mr. Bruckheimer said he wanted to make Bethany’s drawing into a film, we thought he was joking, so we agreed,” said Bethany’s mother, Tammy. Since the family had no idea Bruckheimer was serious, they agreed to give Bruckheimer full rights to the drawing in exchange for dinner at the Bruckheimer estate. “Frankly, the food kinda sucked,” said Andy regretfully, “and Mr. Bruckheimer never even showed. You just can’t trust those Hollywood types.”

No comment from Bethany, who is busily working on the sequel.

The company, TicketLoans, will provide short-term loans to average moviegoers who simply cannot get enough of the amazing theatrical experience but who cannot afford movie tickets. “The average trip to the movie theater for one person has now reached hundreds of dollars, and this is out of reach for the petty cash funds of most Americans,” said Martin Freeborn, PR director for the fledgling company. “We step in and provide the necessary financing so that people can still enjoy a quality time at the theater.”

Consumer advocacy groups expressed outrage at the tactics of the company. Janet Goodwin of JusticeNow said that the formation of TicketLoans would “bring America to her financial knees,” adding that the company “exists only to profit from America’s insatiable addictions to the amazing entertainments Hollywood provides on a weekly basis at the movie theater.” Goodwin likened TicketLoans to a crack dealer cashing in on strung-out addicts. She said that there are many people in this world who simply cannot say “no” to paying $25 for a ticket to see Sex In The City 2 in 3D with a large bucket of popcorn, soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. She said that these poor souls will be the first ones reaching bankruptcy.

Not true says Freeborn, who insists that his company will provide these short term loans at “a reasonable interest rate of 24-32%, depending on credit.” He also stated that his company is not seeking profit, merely filling a need within the moviegoing community. “Moviegoers love the theatrical experience too much to let it go. So many masterpieces are released from Hollywood every year, and the average moviegoer needs to see them in a theater despite the sticky floors, cell phone interruptions, and poor picture quality. Our loans allow them to afford the experience once again,” said Freeborn.

In related news, internet piracy jumped up 240% over the weekend.

The 3D craze, ignited by the remarkable profits of James Cameron’s Avatar, has led to a nearly constant barrage of announcements about in-production films being made into 3D. According to Obama, this glut of announcements has caused more newsworthy items to be lost in the shuffle. “Most Americans know nothing about the BP oil spill, the credit crisis, or the deets on the new Christina Aguilera album because of these announcements,” said The President outside a hot dog stand in Chicago. He added: “We get it – movies will be made in 3D from now on. So let’s just assume that and get on with life.”

This is welcomed news from most of the top marketing firms in Hollywood, many of which expressed relief at the order. “It was really becoming difficult to come up with new ways to tell everyone that the latest Channing Tatum/Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy will be filmed in 3D,” said Russ Overmeyer, head writer for Cimarron Marketing Group. He added that the new ban “might allow us to focus on more important aspects of marketing a film, such as repetitive music, blue/orange color schemes, and loud, thunderous noises.”

Obama vowed to fight the use of 3D in advertising until “the studios stop entirely, or the American people decide they like it, at which point I will change my position.” When asked about rising unemployment, lack of available credit, and Wall Street scandals, the President deep throated a hot dog and had no further comment.

Described as a “fish out of water science fiction film,” Cameron has promised that fans will not be disappointed. “Everything you’ve ever loved about my previous films will be in this new film,” said Cameron.

When pressed for details, Cameron unleashed a few juicy tidbits. “For one thing, there will be a strong female warrior hero for sure,” said the director, adding that “audiences eat that shit up.” But girls will have more than one hero to root for. “There will also be a secondary female character who also kicks some ass, but she’ll probably be Latino or Mexican and give off lezbo vibes, so she can’t be the heroine,” said the director with a wink.

He also added that we will see some new technologies onscreen for this newest adventure. “In one part of the movie humans will be driving these giant robots, kinda like the powerloader from Aliens, except ever so slightly different. It just looks really cool.”

As for the stories and characters of this upcoming film, Cameron had no comment except to promise that the one character audiences love the most – the corporate slimeball character – will definitely be involved in the storyline. “People really enjoy like to boo and hiss at this type of character, so I really try to include it in every screenplay.”

Although some fans might complain that this newest story sounds fairly familiar and derivative of the director’s other efforts, Cameron says he prefers to think of more positive aspects like opening weekend box office grosses and merchandise. “Fuck those fucking fanboys and all of those pathetic bloggers,” said Cameron angrily. “I make movies to make money, not art.” Smiling, he added: “And baby, I make a lot of fucking money with this shit.”