Fresh off his success with The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Bruckheimer announced that he would be adapting Stephens’ simple doodle into a major motion picture. ”That picture has everything that anyone could possibly want in a summer film,” said Bruckheimer, drooling slightly onto his $1,500 suit.

The winning picture shows four smiling, orb-like beings with rainbows for hair. That’s all it takes to make $50 million in first-weekend grosses, said the scintillating producer behind some of Hollywood’s most amazing entertainments. When pressed for details about the possible plot of this film, Bruckheimer became defensive. “Look, they’re making a fucking Ant-Man movie,” he said tersely. “Let’s just say that they’ll be four superheroes who shoot rainbows out of the top of their fucking heads. Nobody gives a shit as long as there are special effects.”

As for the Stephens family, they have only one regret. “We wish we would have held out for more money,” said Andy Stephens, Bethany’s father. “When Mr. Bruckheimer said he wanted to make Bethany’s drawing into a film, we thought he was joking, so we agreed,” said Bethany’s mother, Tammy. Since the family had no idea Bruckheimer was serious, they agreed to give Bruckheimer full rights to the drawing in exchange for dinner at the Bruckheimer estate. “Frankly, the food kinda sucked,” said Andy regretfully, “and Mr. Bruckheimer never even showed. You just can’t trust those Hollywood types.”

No comment from Bethany, who is busily working on the sequel.

The company, TicketLoans, will provide short-term loans to average moviegoers who simply cannot get enough of the amazing theatrical experience but who cannot afford movie tickets. “The average trip to the movie theater for one person has now reached hundreds of dollars, and this is out of reach for the petty cash funds of most Americans,” said Martin Freeborn, PR director for the fledgling company. “We step in and provide the necessary financing so that people can still enjoy a quality time at the theater.”

Consumer advocacy groups expressed outrage at the tactics of the company. Janet Goodwin of JusticeNow said that the formation of TicketLoans would “bring America to her financial knees,” adding that the company “exists only to profit from America’s insatiable addictions to the amazing entertainments Hollywood provides on a weekly basis at the movie theater.” Goodwin likened TicketLoans to a crack dealer cashing in on strung-out addicts. She said that there are many people in this world who simply cannot say “no” to paying $25 for a ticket to see Sex In The City 2 in 3D with a large bucket of popcorn, soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. She said that these poor souls will be the first ones reaching bankruptcy.

Not true says Freeborn, who insists that his company will provide these short term loans at “a reasonable interest rate of 24-32%, depending on credit.” He also stated that his company is not seeking profit, merely filling a need within the moviegoing community. “Moviegoers love the theatrical experience too much to let it go. So many masterpieces are released from Hollywood every year, and the average moviegoer needs to see them in a theater despite the sticky floors, cell phone interruptions, and poor picture quality. Our loans allow them to afford the experience once again,” said Freeborn.

In related news, internet piracy jumped up 240% over the weekend.

The 3D craze, ignited by the remarkable profits of James Cameron’s Avatar, has led to a nearly constant barrage of announcements about in-production films being made into 3D. According to Obama, this glut of announcements has caused more newsworthy items to be lost in the shuffle. “Most Americans know nothing about the BP oil spill, the credit crisis, or the deets on the new Christina Aguilera album because of these announcements,” said The President outside a hot dog stand in Chicago. He added: “We get it – movies will be made in 3D from now on. So let’s just assume that and get on with life.”

This is welcomed news from most of the top marketing firms in Hollywood, many of which expressed relief at the order. “It was really becoming difficult to come up with new ways to tell everyone that the latest Channing Tatum/Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy will be filmed in 3D,” said Russ Overmeyer, head writer for Cimarron Marketing Group. He added that the new ban “might allow us to focus on more important aspects of marketing a film, such as repetitive music, blue/orange color schemes, and loud, thunderous noises.”

Obama vowed to fight the use of 3D in advertising until “the studios stop entirely, or the American people decide they like it, at which point I will change my position.” When asked about rising unemployment, lack of available credit, and Wall Street scandals, the President deep throated a hot dog and had no further comment.

Described as a “fish out of water science fiction film,” Cameron has promised that fans will not be disappointed. “Everything you’ve ever loved about my previous films will be in this new film,” said Cameron.

When pressed for details, Cameron unleashed a few juicy tidbits. “For one thing, there will be a strong female warrior hero for sure,” said the director, adding that “audiences eat that shit up.” But girls will have more than one hero to root for. “There will also be a secondary female character who also kicks some ass, but she’ll probably be Latino or Mexican and give off lezbo vibes, so she can’t be the heroine,” said the director with a wink.

He also added that we will see some new technologies onscreen for this newest adventure. “In one part of the movie humans will be driving these giant robots, kinda like the powerloader from Aliens, except ever so slightly different. It just looks really cool.”

As for the stories and characters of this upcoming film, Cameron had no comment except to promise that the one character audiences love the most – the corporate slimeball character – will definitely be involved in the storyline. “People really enjoy like to boo and hiss at this type of character, so I really try to include it in every screenplay.”

Although some fans might complain that this newest story sounds fairly familiar and derivative of the director’s other efforts, Cameron says he prefers to think of more positive aspects like opening weekend box office grosses and merchandise. “Fuck those fucking fanboys and all of those pathetic bloggers,” said Cameron angrily. “I make movies to make money, not art.” Smiling, he added: “And baby, I make a lot of fucking money with this shit.”

The study results showed conclusively that four out of five sexless computer nerds were excited about Cameron’s upcoming 3D epic Avatar. This is good news for Fox, which had been concerned about stagnant tracking numbers in recent weeks. The nerds interviewed mentioned the high-end, game-like graphics and cool battle scenarios as their primary reasons to see the film.

For Billy “LAN” Johnson, the choice is clear. “Cameron knows how to really tweak CGI so it doesn’t look so fake,” said Johnson excitedly, accidentally spitting out his retainer. Johnson, like most participants, balked at being classified as “sexless,” since, as he claims, he masturbates to Transformers posters five times a day.

But the news is also troubling for Fox, which has spent nearly $500 million on Cameron’s risky special effects extravaganza. Although the poll showed specific interest in the film among sexless, masturbating computer nerds, the poll showed clearly that average, normal, sexually-fulfilled, and intelligent people had little interest in the film.

James Franklin is one of those normal members of society who finds the whole Avatar craze a bit silly. “Look, I have a job, pubes on my cock, a woman who makes love to me on a regular basis, and I own my own house,” said Franklin. “Why would I want to watch a cartoon movie about giant blue people?”

Indeed, most normal people polled said they would rather go out and get a copy of Ferngully rather than waste their time. As Franklin mentioned: “That movie was already made when Ferngully came out. I didn’t watch it then, and I’m not watching it now.”

But for sexless nerds, the movie cannot get here fast enough. “I came just now when you mentioned the name of the movie,” said Johnson while holding his crotch.

Guong Hyang, a 12 year old boy, grew Twilight-induced breasts during the study.

In a double-blind study, doctors found that girls undergo severe changes while watching Twilight. In addition to non-stop screaming and random bouts of crying, the girls also undergo physiological changes, including menstrual discharges, lactating breasts, and tufts of hair around their red, swollen vaginas. They also have compulsive urges to spend every dime they can wrestle from their parents on Twilight merchandise.

This news comes too late for Monica Strassky, whose son participated in the Twilightresearch project. “I regret the day I ever signed Billy up for that study,” said Strassky from her home in Laramie, Wyoming. “I had a beautiful little boy before that ever happened.” She is referring to Billy’s startling transformation into a girl over a week-long period of time. “He watched the films as part of the study. When he came home, he complained that his breasts hurt. Within two days, he needed a c-cup,” said Strassky through tears. By the end of the week, Billy’s penis “had shriveled up into a sad little flap of skin, utterly worthless,” said Strassky. Even worse for the mother of three was the orientation change in her son. “Before that, Billy loved baseball and other boy activities,” said Strassky, “but afterwards he named his Wiffleball bat ‘Edward’ and began inserting it into his rectum.”

The sudden change was not accepted in Strassky’s town. “We took him out back and stoned him, of course,” said Strassky tearfully. “I felt bad about it, but we couldn’t have a Twilight-loving faggot in my house.”

These stories trouble doctors and physicians like Mercher. “I recommend that any parent with a girl under nine years old should not expose them to these films,” said Mercher. He added: “And for God’s sake, don’t let your boys watch this series at all.”

Mark Guillard, head researcher at the Museum of Modern Art, found that cities like Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Paris have been increasingly favored for complete annihilation instead of New York. “Prior to 9/11, New York accounted for almost 96.5% of all catastrophic destruction shown onscreen, with only Chicago even in the ballpark,” said Guillard. “But since 2001, there has been a dramatic shift away from destroying New York over and over again.”

Guillard noted several recent blockbusters such as 2012, G.I. Joe, and The Day After Tomorrow, all of which feature gigantic prominent sequences of destruction in places besides New York. Most often, found Guillard, the destruction took place in Los Angeles or Paris instead of New York. “Clearly these films would have based their destruction in New York prior to 9/11,” said Guillard, “but clearly there is a shift away from destroying New York since the terror attacks.”

This angers the New York-based lobby Destroy New York, which has long swayed moviemakers to base their disaster films in New York and level its various landmarks. In a televised statement from an underground bunker, D.N.Y. President Wilma Deering stated that “New Yorkers expect the movie industry to continue to only feature New York as the scene for incalculable destruction.” Added Deering: “We are saddened and dismayed that the movie industry is apparently no longer interested in destroying New York with the frequency it once did, but we are confident that we will continue to be the city that Hollywood wants to maim, mutilate, and destroy.”

When it is pointed out that New York was featured pretty prominently in the disaster epic The Day After Tomorrow, Deering scoffed. “Did you see that piece of shit?” asked Deering indignantly. “You really think that level of destruction is good enough to compensate for the lack of attention? In that movie alone, Los Angeles was destroyed almost as much as we were!”

Deering said that her organization will heavily lobby Hollywood in the coming months for more New York-based scenes of destruction. But even if Hollywood does not respond favorably, Deering has an alternative plan. “Bollywood,” said Deering, “has a lot of ill will toward NewYork. It could be a gold mine.”

Titled Until The End Of The World, the film will star Gerard Butler and Rachel McAdams as a couple attempting to reconcile their high school romance in the midst of a city collapsing into a sinkhole.

The film represents a radical change for Emmerich. “I’ve been known to only make enormous disaster movies,” said Emmerich in front of one of the smouldering sets for the film, “but I wanted to show that I can scale down my destructive instincts and focus on romance.” The film, budgeted at $125 million dollars, will be the cheapest film Emmerich has ever attempted.

But this is a good thing, insists Emmerich. “Staying on a low budget allows me to be more creative and keep my eye simple,” he said. “On an unlimited budget, I might get carried away and show the whole universe collapsing into a singularity. Since I don’t have the money to do that, I can only destroy smaller municipalities, or maybe even a city.”

All of this is in service to the story. “This is a movie about a romance first, and widespread destruction second,” said Emmerich. He added: “Audiences can expect some of my usual eye candy, but they should expect destruction on a smaller scale. This is a romantic comedy, not a special effects picture.”

In scaling back, Emmerich has set his sights on a lofty goal. “I want this to beat Titanic numbers,” said Emmerich with a smile. “That film combined tremendous destruction with a heart-rending romance. I want to be able to make a film with that much romance … just with more dead bodies.”

The film is set to be released on December 21, 2012.

His solution? Use it to make a zombie film.

Although Zemeckis has publicly stated his intense, undying love for the mo-cap puppets he uses in his CGI films, almost every other human being who views them suffers intense terror at the sight of the dead-eyed beings. “I think they’re adorable,” said Zemeckis at his Hollywood home, “but I’m apparently alone in my feelings.”

So the director is turning lemons into very expensive lemonade. Said Zemeckis: ”I figure if audiences are completely terrified of the sight of these digital puppets, then I should use them to make a horror film.”

But for Zemeckis, the excitement of scaring audiences with mo-cap is nothing compared to the opportunity to waste enormous amounts of money to make it. “An average zombie film might cost a million bucks. But I can do the exact same movie for 100 times that amount,” said Zemeckis, dribbling slightly at the prospect. ”Basically, the entire production budget of Night of the Living Dead wouldn’t even pay to develop the pores on the nose of one of my zombie puppets.”

While Zemeckis has come under fire for his expensive overuse of the mo-cap technology, the director scoffs at the claims of his critics. “Basically, they’re wrong. Think of the amount of money I’m saving by only hiring Jim Carrey to perform all the motion capture!” Although no contracts have yet been signed, Zemeckis did confirm that Carrey will play all of the zombies in his new film, and will even model for various dismembered body parts.

When asked why he chooses mo-cap over simply pointing a camera at live action, Zemeckis becomes defensively blunt: “I hate living things,” he said.

No date has yet been set for the zombie film’s release, although Zemeckis emphasized that it might take several years. Said Zemeckis: “Massive time wasters like mo-cap require massive amounts of time.”

The award winning director of TITANIC, TERMINATOR, and AVATAR has dodged the plagiarism accusations for years. Writer Harlan Ellison successfully sued Cameron in the nineties (it was settled out of court) after Cameron used large chunks of an Ellison story as the basis of the TERMINATOR franchise. More recently, the estate of writer Poul Anderson has raised concerns over Cameron’s blatant theft of Anderson’s 1957 story CALL ME JOE for his upcoming blockbuster AVATAR.

However, Cameron believes he has finally figured out how to avoid such embarrassing allegations: steal unpublished stories. “Unpublished stories by unpublished authors are a goldmine for someone like me, who is genetically unable to invent my own stories,” said the director at a recent press luncheon. Added Cameron: “The best part is, nobody’s ever read the stories, so it all seems fresh and new!”

This new approach prevents Cameron from having to deal with pesky lawsuits and bad press. “I have a vast fortune thanks to my lengthy career of ripping people off, so any little unpublished author would have a difficult time suing me,” said Cameron. “Published authors, especially famous one like Anderson, present legal problems that unpublished authors do not.”

Cameron is quick to point out that unpublished authors need to pay their dues in order to succeed, and being stolen from by “the world’s most famous director” is one way to do that. “Show business is all about stealing from someone else,” said the director, “but just make sure you’re getting the money that they’re not.”

For Cameron, the issue is Darwinian. “Ultimately, unpublished authors are unworthy of respect or other artistic rights. I am a famous movie director, and I will continue to steal the work of others in order to make even more money,” said Cameron, “but from now on it will be the work of pathetic nobodies, instead of established authors.”

Cameron has set up a website to enable unpublished authors to submit their work for theft directly. “That saves me a tremendous amount of time from searching the internet for unpublished stories to steal,” said Cameron. All site applicants will be required to agree to a legal contract that relinquishes their rights to the submitted material, and also that James Cameron is, in fact, the “King of the World.”

Said Cameron, smiling: “It’s good to be King.”