Brigham Young researchers find death metal band members hate life, often die. Obama vows to fight this new threat to America.

Fight occurred backstage at Ellen show over haircut, talent, Twitter trending.

Pop star linked to child pornography ring. Parents urged to keep their children away from anything related to the teen sensation.

The “singer” was working on a new album by the glam band when his own body, upon hearing the tracks, chose suicide. Doctors baffled.

The drug-addled star of some band from long ago finally decided to scrape the dirt out from under his fingernails!

“Who cares? He’s the ugly one,” say most Jonas Brothers fans.

Rolling Stones singer found to be most non-productive person on the planet, followed by shut-in and fly-swatting primitives.

The openly homosexual singer plans to top controversial American Music Awards performance with act “so shocking it will make everyone hate me,” says Lambert.

The new dance album by Britney Spears will be created entirely by computer, featuring random beeps and static sounds. “I haven’t even heard the album yet myself,” says pop starlet.

New collection plays the entire Beatles catalogue backwards. Remastered sound allows for better audio on secret messages.