The drug-addled star of some band from long ago finally decided to scrape the dirt out from under his fingernails!

“Who cares? He’s the ugly one,” say most Jonas Brothers fans.

Rolling Stones singer found to be most non-productive person on the planet, followed by shut-in and fly-swatting primitives.

The openly homosexual singer plans to top controversial American Music Awards performance with act “so shocking it will make everyone hate me,” says Lambert.

The new dance album by Britney Spears will be created entirely by computer, featuring random beeps and static sounds. “I haven’t even heard the album yet myself,” says pop starlet.

New collection plays the entire Beatles catalogue backwards. Remastered sound allows for better audio on secret messages.

Internet piracy and a decade of horrible music causes record store owners to eat each other for survival.

Bob Dylan makes special Arbor Day album to boost AIG profits. “It will help endangered stockholder divivdends enormously,” says folk hero.

The wild fashionista metamorphosizes into an actual sculpture, Madonna jealous.

Had considered other cleaning utensils before making their decision.