Paul Evans, who led the ten year Federally-funded study, revealed that being a member of a death metal band typically tends to shorten life spans. “People who make and perform this type of music generally hate living, and so it is not surprising that many of these performers die unnaturally young,” said Evans. He cited the overwhelming number of death metal band members who die of suicide, drug overdoses, and from being too stupid to remember to breathe.

Evans also pointed out that the risk is only slightly lower for death metal band fans, who show an alarming propensity to pummel each other in mosh pits, and often die of snapped necks while rocking out to their favorite band’s excessively-loud songs about murder and Satan. He also added that many death metal performers and fans die due to never leaving the house without being covered in black, which often leads to a severe vitamin D deficiency and death.

Alarmed by Gray’s death, President Obama vowed to introduce legislation that would make death metal music illegal across the country. In a statement, Obama said that death metal “represents one of the greatest threats to our nation’s security and unity.” He added that he would not be deterred from this course “unless the people change their minds about it.”

Slipknot publicist Bambi “Bloody Cunt” Johnson said that Gray’s corpse would be propped up at every Slipknot concert in order to rot in front of the fans. When asked why the band woulddo something like that, Johnson said that displaying Gray’s decomposing corpse would be “fucking righteous, dude.”

The moment, captured by amateur video, shows an enraged Bieber repeatedly sucker-punching the younger Chance. Representatives for the Ellen Show denied the existence of the incident at first, only to recant once police became involved. They distributed a picture of the incident to the police and the press this morning.

Eyewitnesses said that Bieber was furious about Greyson’s extraordinary talents, which he felt eclipsed his own meager gifts. They also said that, while punching Greyson in the face, Bieber kept screaming about being replaced as a Twitter Trending Topic by the pint-sized tunesmith. After several punches, Bieber tried to pull Greyson’s hair out, accusing Greyson of stealing his “trademarked good looks.”

Bieber fans around the world have been shocked by the sudden violence. Bieber fan Alison Vetter said, through tears, that she “can’t believe Justin would do something like, like, like, this.” A spokesperson for Bieber released a statement on Bieber’s Facebook page to explain his actions to his stunned fans. It said that, while Bieber does not condone violence, “sometimes it’s necessary when some punk-ass comes along and thinks he’s all that.”

While recuperating in the hospital, Greyson said that he didn’t want to get into a war of words with the 16 year old star. In a simple statement, Greyson said, “In the end, I can actually sing, play an instrument, and write my own songs. People will quickly know who has real talent and who is a wigger wannabe.”

The mop-haired teenager, who has entranced millions of young girls and older men with his asexual good looks and croaking voice, is really a sinister agent of a child porn ring that has been attempting to make inroads in the United States for several years. The ring, known only as Boy Cream, has, according to documents, spent millions of dollars promoting Bieber in order to lure young girls for their child pornography farms deep in the hills of upper Canada. The revelation comes in the wake of several disappearances at Bieber concerts, all of which went unsolved until now.

In a communique released online, Boy Cream member “Jacques Strap” said that the harvesting of Bieber fans for the child pornography farms wil go on despite police harrassment. “You cannot stop Bieber fever. Kids will continue to love our fresh faced operative and come to his concerts, at which point we will abduct them and force them to perform lewd sexual acts on middle aged men while starving and on drugs,” warned the mysterious email.

For MTV’s Kurt Loder, the announcement was hardly shocking. “You listen to the kid sing, and it’s obvious that he doesn’t have a singing voice of any kind,” said Loder. “He sounds like laryngitic toad drowing in oatmeal.” Loder said he had his suspicions about Bieber from the beginning. “The first time I saw the kid, he was too pretty,” said Loder. “When my dick moved, I knew I was either a pervert or that Justin was a child porn ring operative.” Added Loder, smiling: “I’m relieved it was the latter!”

Management for Bieber denied any involvement in the child pornography ring. At a press conference, Bieber manager Scott Braun assured reporters and fans that Justin Bieber is just a regular teenaged boy. “Despite his shapeless face and squeaky voice, I assure you that Justin is just a sweet young male who loves to give to the community and his fans,” said Braun. He added: “Parents around the world should feel free to bring their beloved children to every Bieber concert, especially if they are blond girls between the ages of 10 and 13 that have pouty lips and no resistance to crack cocaine.”

Stratford police chief Harrison told reporters that the ring has dispersed due to the investigation, but that all leads will be followed in an attempt to apprehend the pornographers. Police advise any parents of young children to keep them away from any Bieber-related paraphernalia, and especially keep them from going to any concerts until further notice.

The former Poison singer’s terrible misfortune stunned the music world. Seeing Michaels, a celebrity with a jovial, larger-then-life personality, suddenly struck down has left his fans in utter shock. ”I left my part-time job as a stripper as soon as I heard the news,” said Brandi Templeton as she waited in the hospital lobby for updates. “Bret Michaels is my dream man, and I won’t leave his side until he has recovered and returned to a life of banging waitresses and starring in reality shows.”

But today’s discovery of a possible cause of the aneurysm left many doctors baffled. The aneurysm was apparently caused by the new Poison album that Michaels was secretly working on at the time it struck. “Our current hypothesis is that Mr. Michaels’ body, upon hearing the new Poison tracks, decided to kill itself in an effort to stop the production of the album,” said Doctor Franklin Harvester, a brain surgeon at Cedar Sinai hospital. When asked if this was a likely explanation, Dr. Harvester added, seriously: “Have you heard the new songs?”

For Professor Earnest Growling, such occurrences are more common than anyone realizes. “In my mind, natural selection is one of the leading causes of death in the world,” said Growling. “At some point, evolution decides that certain developments are unacceptable for the improvement of the human species, and it takes steps to eliminate those developments.” When asked if Michaels’ aneurysm might be a case of natural selection, Growling agreed completely. “It is obvious that natural selection, upon hearing this new Poison album, decided that the best course of action would be to eliminate Michaels from the food chain.” Growling added: “I mean, have you heard the new songs?”

Distraught Poison sluts pose outside the hospital where Bret Michaels clings to life.

But this scientific explanation does little to soothe the unquenchable heartache felt by Michaels’ fans. It is obvious that many of these distraught fans feel like Templeton, who said, through tears, that she hopes Michaels recovers quickly and gets back to doing what he does best. “Ever since I was a little girl, I imagined that Bret would wander into the bar I work at and take me into a broom closet and ass fuck me,” she said, proudly. “He can’t die. I’m not ready to give up on my dream just yet.”

Many people in and out of the music world have been completely disgusted by Doherty’s fingernails, which look as if they contain enough dirt in which to start a small vegetable garden. Doherty, once rumored to be an actual musician with a set of musical skills in an actual band, has spent all of the last several years doing drugs. And not cleaning his fingernails.

Stylists praised Doherty’s new look, which they all felt made the googly-eyed rocker “look almost human.” Doherty, when asked what he thought of the cleaner fingernails, said, “Mhhmmm, knhhlmmm jarrdnnonn.”

But, to his surprise, none of the fans of the band cared. The eldest Brother tweeted that he felt betrayed by the fanbase, who had followed his band around the world screaming their heads off.

For Jonas Brothers fanclub president Julie Murphy, the answer to this mysterious nonchalance is simple: Kevin Jonas is ugly. Murphy says that Kevin “is not nearly as cute as Nick or Joe.” Added Murphy: “Who cares if Kevin got married? He’s ugly. He might as well be dead.” When asked what her reaction might be to attractive brothers Nick or Joe getting married, Murphy pointed to a noose already fastened to a beam in her garage. “See that?” she asked, motioning toward the gallows, “I will be swinging from that before Nick or Joe ever finish their vows.” 

All of this is news to Kevin, who always mistakenly thought the girls were screaming for him. He tweeted that he ”wanted to die because of what these teenaged girls think about me.”

There was also no reaction from fans about Kevin’s suicide threats.

The survey, which spanned every country on Earth, examined human accomplishments using a detailed series of questions about lifestyle. Jagger scored the lowest possible rating based on what he does day-to day.

The singer, who hasn’t released a song of any kind in almost two decades, revealed that he mostly “hangs around the house,” occasionally stopping to “pout his lips in front of a mirror for old time’s sake.” Jagger also said that he sometimes turns his eyes slightly to the left in order to “look out a window and watch a bird or something.” In the additional comments section, Jagger revealed that he has little interest in doing anything at all “except breathing and blinking.”

This put Jagger at the top of the most inactive list, just ahead of Betsy Budger of Maryland, a 700 pound shut-in whose habit of changing the television channel herself made her slightly more active than Jagger. In a statement, Budger said that it makes her feel better to know that she can still be more productive than Mick Jagger “despite being an enormous fatass.” The survey also showed that even impoverished people in third world countries were more productive then Jagger simply by swatting at flies on their faces.

A spokesperson for Jagger was quick to respond, reminding everyone that the Rolling Stones singer had many productive years as one of the most recognizable celebrities in the world. The spokesman also added that Jagger has earned the right to sit around and do nothing at all for the rest of his life.

Jagger himself could not be bothered to comment on this article.

But Lambert plans for even more controversy with his latest concert tour, which will visit many of the major elementary schools across America and Europe. “If those prudes were grossed out by me kissing a guy, then just wait until they see what I’m planning to do in my tour,” said Lambert triumphantly. Sources close to the singer say he plans on rimming a six month olf Labrador puppy onstage during the ballad section of his concert.

Fans of the singer say even they cannot accept this latest stunt. “When he kissed that guy, I was like most other humans. I had to keep myself from becoming physically ill,” said Linda Bryce, head of the Adam Lambert Fan Club. “But if he actually licks a dog’s ass onstage, I’m not sure that even I could support him any longer.”

That’s all the part of the plan, says Lambert. “Music today isn’t about good songs or great performances,” said Lambert. “All that matters is being shocking and repulsive and gay.”

When asked what he might do if this latest stunt fails to draw attention, the singer smiled coyly and said, “Then I guess I’ll have to kill the dog and then fuck its corpse. Onstage.”

New computer algorithms created specifically for this album will compile various sounds – everything from electronic beeps, to fax machine tones, to random static – and lace them into computerized pop songs. Then the computer will essentially sing karaoke-style over the backing tracks, imitating the pop singer’s vocal mannerisms. The entire production - from creation to mixing to final mastering – will be completed without any human intervention whatsoever.

For Spears, this new methodology works wonders for her hectic schedule. “I have two kids, ya know,” said the singer while on a recent vacation, “and so it’s difficult for me to get out to strip clubs and snort cocaine all night when I need to be in the studio. This allows me that precious time to be myself and let my hair down … or cut it off entirely.”

The new approach works wonders for Spears’ producers and record company executives. One executive, under anonymity, said that Spears “was increasingly too difficult to control, unlike computers.” He added that having computers create the album instead “allows us to actually have a chance of releasing something that isn’t a complete fucking joke.” When asked how the new tracks compare to some of Spears’ classic hits, he said that “the computer sounds more human than she ever did,” adding with a smile, “that hoosier bitch can’t sing anyway.”

What is remarkable is that the computer, though unaided, managed to create songs that feel like Britney originals. Some of the revealed song titles sound very much like old Britney, including Jam It In My Twat, I’m A Little Girl So Fuck Me Daddy, and Screw. The executive said that this will be the hottest computer album since Laurie Anderson.

For Britney, little has changed. “I was never really that involved in the making of any of my albums anyway,” said Spears. “This is basically the same thing, only I don’t need to try and hit any notes correctly anymore.” But for her fans, Spears has a promise: “This album is the greatest artistic work I’ve ever been involved with.”

The painstaking work was overseen by original Beatle Paul McCartney, who was eager to get this package out to fans as soon as possible. “Strike while the iron is hot,” said the recently-knighted McCartney. “They’ll be delivering my percentage of the profits in fleets of 18 wheelers.”

Over the years, many fans have heard various phrases whispered between the grooves of popular Beatles records when played backwards. Most famous was the line “I buried Paul” from Strawberry Fields Forever. But McCartney insists that there are a host of other lines embedded within the other Beatles recordings, and only this exclusive collection brings them to light.

Among the new gems uncovered by this remastered collection are startling lines like “John Lennon has an ugly girlfriend,” “Yoko Ono smells like fish farts,” and, most incredibly, “I wish Yoko Ono would leave the studio and get run over by a truck so that we can be the Beatles again because we will always be the greatest band on Earth as long as she is dead and gone.”

Yoko Ono has heard the collection and has expressed her displeasure at what she calls “studio tampering.” In a series of bizarre yelps and shrieks, Ono said that “these backwards lines were put in by Paul McCartney after the fact in order to discredit John.”

Not so, says McCartney. “Yoko is pissed because she doesn’t like people knowing about her personal hygiene problems,” said the pop star. He added that the collection contains other incriminating backwards moments, including the embedded moment late in Come Togetherwhen the sound of Yoko fellating John in the studio to the point of regurgitation can be heard in the mix. “If I made this up, then why would that be in there?” asked McCartney, adding: “it makes me physically ill to listen to that.”

But for McCartney, the collection is bittersweet. “I loved hearing these old recordings again,” he said with a smile, “but, with the release of this collection, I’m starting to realize that we’re getting close to the end of the merchandising possibilities. There’s only so many different ways we can repackage this shit. And let’s face it, The Beatles aren’t making any more music.”

The Beatles Remastered Backwards goes on sale November 27th on Amazon. Suggested retail is $799.99