The company, TicketLoans, will provide short-term loans to average moviegoers who simply cannot get enough of the amazing theatrical experience but who cannot afford movie tickets. “The average trip to the movie theater for one person has now reached hundreds of dollars, and this is out of reach for the petty cash funds of most Americans,” said Martin Freeborn, PR director for the fledgling company. “We step in and provide the necessary financing so that people can still enjoy a quality time at the theater.”

Consumer advocacy groups expressed outrage at the tactics of the company. Janet Goodwin of JusticeNow said that the formation of TicketLoans would “bring America to her financial knees,” adding that the company “exists only to profit from America’s insatiable addictions to the amazing entertainments Hollywood provides on a weekly basis at the movie theater.” Goodwin likened TicketLoans to a crack dealer cashing in on strung-out addicts. She said that there are many people in this world who simply cannot say “no” to paying $25 for a ticket to see Sex In The City 2 in 3D with a large bucket of popcorn, soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. She said that these poor souls will be the first ones reaching bankruptcy.

Not true says Freeborn, who insists that his company will provide these short term loans at “a reasonable interest rate of 24-32%, depending on credit.” He also stated that his company is not seeking profit, merely filling a need within the moviegoing community. “Moviegoers love the theatrical experience too much to let it go. So many masterpieces are released from Hollywood every year, and the average moviegoer needs to see them in a theater despite the sticky floors, cell phone interruptions, and poor picture quality. Our loans allow them to afford the experience once again,” said Freeborn.

In related news, internet piracy jumped up 240% over the weekend.

“Sitting in a movie theater is so boring,” said Katzenberg at a recent distributor conference. “As studio executives, we are always looking for new ways to enhance the movie experience, thereby inflating ticket prices and thwarting pirates.”

One way Katzenberg intends to accomplish these goals is by implementing radical 4-D technology. Unlike the traditional moviegoing experience, audiences at a 4-D movie would actually travel through time. This would enable them to more fully experience the time periods and perils of the film itself.

Katzenberg believes time travel would be the incentive to lure hesitant moviegoers. Polls suggest that overall ticket sales have fallen steadily over the last decade, mostly due to the fact that most rational people are unwilling to pay $24 for a single ticket to watch TRANSFORMERS 2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

Industry insiders are skeptical of the impact of the new technology, emphasizing that quality films are the most important ingredient to revitalize the industry. However, Katzenberg disagrees. “Movies are product,” reminded Katzenberg, “and all that really matters are the bells and whistles.”

Many of the initial 4-D moviegoers have been ecstatic with the new format. “While watching a 4-D print of WOLVERINE, I actually went back in time to 1983,” says Robert Johnson. “Not only was I able to buy a popcorn for $1, but I was also able to see RETURN OF THE JEDI rather than WOLVERINE, which is a better choice despite the Ewoks.”

The new 4-D format will roll out slowly across the country due to the costs involved. Cities will be re-fitted with 4-D technology in order based on populations most desperate to escape their current environment. The first cities to receive 4-D technology will be Seattle, Detroit, Los Angeles, and Scranton.