The inexplicable rise of Snooki Polizzi on Jersey Shore due to deal with the Devil.

The fifth fan is bi-curious.

Close race includes Tim Allen (when not in jail), Jay Leno’s monologue, and a mossy rock.

The Supreme Being promises early Apocalypse unless offensive and pointless MTV show is pulled.

New miniseries reveals Jessica Fletcher as the actual murderer of her solved mysteries, inflicts gruesome execution scene.

TruTV will be known as The Repo Channel starting January 1st due to entire lineup being reruns of Operation Repo.

Startling increase blamed on CSI franchise. CBS plans entire cable system full of cop shows to satisfy demand.

Most of World Series television audience tuned in to root against the Yankees. Other 5% represents paid members of Steinbrenner family.

America’s largest cable outlet makes room to add more religious stations and infomercials.

J.J. Abrams admits: “The show is fucked.”