“I’m not happy about this at all,” whined Rooney while hunched over his cluttered desk at the CBS studios. “When I get to heaven – which probably sucks – I’m going to tell God exactly what I think about this whole death thing,” added Rooney with his trademark scowl. Rooney added that the worst part of being dead is that “your eyebrow hairs keep growing after everything else stops, and those darn things are getting in my eyes now.”

Doctors are baffled by Rooney’s continued ranting, which should have stopped once his heart and breathing failed and his brain cells died from a lack of oxygen. They have ruled out the proposed theory that Rooney has transformed into some sort of very unhappy zombie, mainly due to the fact that nobody was ever around the unpleasant television personality long enough to bite him. “I’m guessing that Rooney still has so much to complain about that he couldn’t find enough time to just drop dead and stay that way,” said one doctor who wished to remain anonymous for fear that Rooney might mention him in a segment.

Morley Safer, Rooney’s longtime 60 Minutes co-host, was none too thrilled to see Rooney’s re-animated corpse shamble into his office. “When I heard that bitch had died, it felt like I was finally being released from prison,” said Safer. Then, sighing, Safer added, “I guess that old crabass is just too damned angry to rot in hell.”

In the worthless days before Jersey Shore (known on the Julian calendar as B.J.S.), young people were known to be energetic and athletic go-getters who were always on the run. That annoying and pointless quality of youth was thankfully curbed once Jersey Shore premiered. Teenagers who watched the MTV show thrilled to the adventures of Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, J-Woww, and Ronnie as they loafed around every day and made stupid jokes.

Since the new season takes place in Italy, Jeffress promises some “nice antique furniture inlaid with gold” that Ronnie can slouch on while crying all day. He also considered putting in “one of those short Japanese table things that the boys can put their sneakers on when they really need to kick back and relax,” said Jeffress.

Critics have unanimously praised the new show. “There are so many more places to watch the cast sleep and rest,” said television critic Gail Pennington. Renowned critic Mary McNamara called the new season “profoundly satisfying and intriguing,” adding that the new shows ”will probably usher in the next level of evolution in the human species.”

The new season starts tonight.

Despite their disappointment in the verdict, most people have gone on with their lives since the jury reached their decision. They realize that their complaints will never bring Caylee Anthony back, or punish Casey Anthony for the crimes they believe she committed. Additionally, most people have their own lives to worry about, and cannot commit to constant vigilance over a case that had no personal impact.

But that hasn’t stopped Nancy Grace from continuously discussing the concluded case. Grace’s sensationalistic, non-stop coverage has received its share of criticism. “Seriously, find something else to talk about,” said Geraldo Rivera, himself known for whipping up a media frenzy over nothing. He added: “Aren’t there any other dead babies to exploit for ratings?”

Indeed, ratings have plummeted from record highs since the end of the trial, indicating the public’s waning interest in the case. Still, Grace continues to flog the dead child’s memory in order to keep her viewership. When asked about her continued exploitation of the case, Grace simply said, “Tot Mom.” When asked to elaborate, she replied, “Tot Mom Casey Anthony.”

In addition to her continuing coverage of the case, Grace announced that she plans to have a camera inserted into Caylee Anthony’s grave in order to watch her bones deteriorate on live television over the course of a million years. Grace said that the point of all of this is to bring “justice for little Cah-lee,” as well as “Tot Mom Casey Anthony, Tot Mom Casey Anthony, Tot Mom Casey Anthony.”

A distraught Casey Anthony after being found not guilty

ORLANDO – The entire nation sat in stunned disbelief yesterday as a jury in Orlando, Florida found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her little daughter Caylee and dumping her tiny body in a swamp. Now a free woman, Casey Anthony has a verdict for the jury: “You’re a bunch of morons.”

The infamous “Tot Mom” broke her three years of silence after a group of her peers cleared her of any wrongdoing in the disappearance and death of two year old Caylee in 2008. The murder case garnered national attention thanks to the peculiar remorselessness shown by Caylee’s mother Casey Anthony, as well as the litany of lies that she spun to cover over her daughter’s death.

Casey explained that those lies were all part of the plan. “I wanted to be caught and convicted of being a murderer,” said Casey from her Orlando cell, ” and these idiots on the jury foiled my plans.” Casey said that she tried to make up as many stories as possible in order to make the decision quick and easy. “What did they even need to think about?” asked Casey rhetorically.

After drugging and suffocating Caylee to death, Casey says she left the body in the car “for several days” in order to “really get it nice and smelly” so that family and police would suspect her immediately. When that didn’t work, Casey drove down the street and tossed Caylee along the side of the road “so that it would be obvious that I killed her and disposed of her in the most awful way imaginable.”

Casey then put a cherry on top of her conviction. “I lied repeatedly to everyone I met during that time. Every single one of the 1,500 people searching for Caylee got a different story from me so that I would look as guilty as possible,” said Casey, cackling wildly. The various stories and lies prevented police from finding Caylee’s body until months later, which ultimately proved Casey’s undoing. “Since the body was so decomposed, they couldn’t prove how I killed her,” said Casey remorsefully, adding, “I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier.”

The trial, assumed to be a slam-dunk for Casey and the prosecution, turned against Casey in the end. “I couldn’t believe they acquitted me of everything,” said Casey incredulously. Even the charges of child negligence were dropped. “I mean, I was the mother and the child died and I cannot give a reasonable explanation of how – you’d think they would AT LEAST charge me with that!” muttered Casey.

But the world hasn’t heard the last of this notorious child killing machine. “Fuck it – I’ll have another kid and kill it, too – maybe they’ll finally get it right!” said Casey defiantly.

New promotional materials for the show indicate the new direction for the series

Not so, says Lorre in an exclusive interview with Celebrity Freakshow. Instead, Kutcher will be replacing Angus Jones as the “half man” of the show’s title.

For those unfamiliar with the repetitive series, the show involved Sheen’s playboy character Charlie taking in his uptight brother Alan (played by Jon Cryer) and Alan’s young son Jake (Jones) when Alan goes through a divorce. The show was wildly popular despite being a remake of The Odd Couple with a kid. The series got its name as a jokey reference to the fact that Jones, who was only ten when the series began, was only “half of a man” in comparison to his two much-older series co-stars..

With the sudden departure of Sheen, Lorre was faced with a series that was, at best, stuck with a misleading title. “I didn’t know what to do,” said Lorre, “because we had a show that had one man (Cryer) and Angus, who is now nineteen years old and very much a man as well.” Producers kicked around the idea of restarting the series under a new title. “We seriously considered calling it Two Men for a while, but we hated to lose the connection to the old series,” admitted Lorre.

Lorre found his solution in an unlikely place – Twitter. “I was on Twitter stalking Charlie Sheen when I saw some tweets from Ashton Kutcher,” said Lorre, “and I thought, ‘This guy has the mentality of a nine year old … he could be the half man we’ve been looking for!’”

Subsequent meetings with Kutcher confirmed Lorre’s suspicions. “The guy is a stone-cold retard,” said Lorre, laughing. “Years of living with Demi Moore have turned whatever brain material he once had into a thick, unpleasant pudding.” Lorre admitted that he never explained to Kutcher that the series title is now a joke about his masculinity. “Kutcher was an underwear model, for cryin’ out loud. He’s not concerned with his masculinity even if he could spell the word or understand its meaning,” said Lorre, chortling.

For Jones, this is a welcome relief. “I actually have pubic hair and fuck chicks and make millions of dollars, and I’m pretty sick of being called ‘Half Man’ all the time,” said Jones. Added Lorre: “Angus is a man now and not really a ‘Half Man’ anymore, so I’m glad we managed to find someone like Ashton with the mental and physical capabilities to take on that role.”

Like Sheen, Kutcher’s name on the show will be the actor’s actual first name so as to not confuse him further.

An artist's rendering of what the royal consummation might look like.

As is customary, the prince and his new bride must consummate their vows in front of an audience in order to “seal the deal.” In the past, this royal consummation would take place in front of the royal family in the royal bed chamber in relative privacy. However, given the high level of interest in this marriage and the subsequent revenue streams it has produced, the royal family has decided to televise the moment for the enjoyment and awe of the whole world.

Experts predict that it might be several months before the event happens, given the inability of most British men to become effectively aroused by a human female. This is especially true of the offspring of Prince Charles, who famously could not consummate his marriage with Princess Diana after many years. As many shamefully remember, Charles instead chose to eventually mount the female centaur known as Camilla Parker Bowles. Experts fear that the balding Prince William may have inherited some of his father’s impotency as well.

When it does happen, however, audiences are sure to be thrilled. Pamela Brinkerton, head of the William And Kate Triumphal Love Fan Club predicts that the moment of consummation will be at once romantic and seductive. “When he sticks his royal penis into her royal vagina while mounting her royally in the doggie style position, it will be like watching a real life fairy tale,” said Brinkerton breathlessly.

Media watchers expect the consummation to shatter the viewing audience record set by the wedding itself, mainly because, unlike the wedding, there will be so many men watching it as well. “Men aren’t interested in fairy tale weddings,” said television’s Dr. Drew Pinsky, “but they are interested in watching Kate get mouth raped by William and then having a royal load shot all over her face.” Bets are currently being made in Las Vegas as to whether Kate takes it in the ass during the royal consummation.

When asked for a comment, the Queen said that she appreciated the tremendous interest in her grandson’s consummation because “that means we won’t get kicked out of our castle and forced to live on the street like Commoners.”

But a paparazzi photograph threatens to shatter that wholesome illusion.

Bieber and Gomez were surprised by photographers as they engaged in illicit sexual conduct in a car in the Hollywood Hills after a romantic dinner celebrating Bieber’s 17th birthday Tuesday night. The couple pulled apart just as paparazzi descended on the car and snapped this picture:

Eyewitnesses say that Bieber was fingering Gomez’s vagina when the picture was taken. According to photographer Lyle Grallen, the substance on Bieber’s finger proves the picture is authentic. “The bean dip and cheese could only come from Selena’s vagina,” said Grallen, “because there wasn’t any kind of nacho appetizer in the vehicle.”

For Grallen and others, the picture really captures the exact moment of Bieber’s lost innocence. “You can see the look of disgust on his cherubic face as he realizes that he just pulled bean dip out of her vagina,” said Grallen, adding that “the mistake of fingering a Mexican will haunt his career and sex life forever.”

As for Gomez, she was clearly embarrassed by the moment. “Selena was shocked that her intricately-plotted scheme to ensnare Justin had been foiled by us,” said fellow photographer Gene McKibben, referring to a Celebrity Freakshow exclusive news report about Gomez’s attempts to marry Bieber and become a legal U.S. citizen. McKibben added that “she also seemed really embarrassed by the overpowering smell of burnt beans wafting out of her pussy.”

Reps for both stars denied the allegations, and would not comment on a Wednesday morning grocery shopping trip by Bieber to pick up some jalapeno peppers and Tostitos.

Kathy Griffin delivering an inspirational speech at the Miss Butterface Awards Saturday night

LOS ANGELES – “Actress” and “comedian” Kathy Griffin finally received her reward for months of work toning and shaping her body when she was awarded the top prize at the 2011 Miss Butterface Awards in downtown Los Angeles Saturday night.

Last year was a busy one for the former star of My Life On The D-List. In addition to concluding her successful show, Griffin also spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on liposuction and cosmetic surgery to transform her body into something that vaguely resembles a fairly hot older model. Her frequent appearances on talk shows wearing nothing but a bikini reinforced the idea that her body was, indeed, halfway decent.

Kathy Griffin proudly parading around with her Miss Butterface crown and award

But her face, untouched by the slew of cosmetic surgeries, remained hideous beyond belief, making her the front-runner for this year’s award. After winning, Griffin had only words of inspiration for aspiring starlets out there. “Yes, I am truly ugly and my face should not be transmitted for public consumption,” said Griffin as she hugged her award, “but I just want all the girls out there to know that, if you have enough money, you can pay people to alter you just enough to make you almost tolerably attractive.”

Fans of Bieber are outraged by these displays of interspecies affection

Friends of Disney star/Mexican Selena Gomez say that recent pictures of Gomez cavorting with pop star Justin Bieber prove they were right – Gomez is attempting to use the naive singer to gain citizenship in the United States.

The photos that have shocked Bieber’s fanbase feature Gomez and Bieber frolicking on a yacht together in the Caribbean. In several pictures, an underaged Bieber can be seen touching the slippery Mexican backside of Gomez, who returns the affection by cupping Bieber’s hairless, underdeveloped genitalia. Fans have been so outraged by the pictures that they have sent death threats to Gomez by way of the American Embassy in her hometown of Mexico City.

Fans insist that their anger is not directed toward Bieber, who is completely innocent given the fact that he came out as a homosexual several months ago and has no interest in females like Gomez. Rather, their concern stems from the obvious fact that Gomez is trying to gain citizenship. “We don’t want that Mexican Jezebel in our country,” said Tonya Lovelace, head of the newly-formed Americans For Bieber and Against Mexican Whores. Lovelace added that “Justin’s child-like innocence will not enable him to see what’s really going on.”

In this file photo, Selena Gomez escapes to U.S. through drainage pipe

What’s really going on, friends of Gomez insist, is a carefully-constructed plot to seduce the young tween star and convince him to marry her. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one close associate of Gomez said that she “intends to move in carefully and slowly,” adding that, after a few months of sexless flirting, Gomez will “strap on a dildo and give Bieber so much pleasure that he will give into any demand.” Her friends insist that this has been in the planning for years. “Ever since she crawled across the border through that drainage pipe, she has been talking about marrying a rich American homosexual who can make her legal,” said one anonymous source.

Despite the controversies surrounding this offensive and illegal coupling, Bieber’s mother remains optimistic. “I just hope Justin doesn’t turn gay permanently after getting a whiff of Mexican vagina,” she said, “although it might be nice to have some authentic burritos for dinner for once.” Roscoe Jenkins, Bieber’s longtime homosexual top, said that the pairing “made him sick to his stomach,’ adding that “the only thing worse than two men ass-fucking is sex with a Mexican.”

LOS ANGELES, ARIZONA –  Homosexual singer, rapper, and entrepreneur Kanye West sat down with the disembodied head of television talk show icon Oprah on the fortieth anniversary of his disastrous interruption of Taylor Swift’s big win at the MTV Video Music Awards.

The 72 year old West wept openly as he talked about his actions forty years ago. “I didn’t know that doing that to Taylor would have such profound effects on popular culture and the history of the human race,” said West, tears running down his jowls. “I just want to make sure that people know I’m still sorry.”

When the glass-encased head of Oprah asked West how his actions at the Video Music Awards rate in terms of cultural importance, West said that it “was somewhere between 9/11 and the 2037 earthquake that killed 23 million people when California fell into the ocean.” After pausing and choking back some tears, he added that those events “still probably can’t touch what I’ve went through with Taylor that night.”

When Oprah’s floating, decomposing head asked West if it was harder to come out as a homosexual, West replied, “Nah, man … everybody knew I was gay from day one. It was much more difficult to apologize for ruining her special night.” He then broke down into tears again.

Oprah announced plans to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the event with a star-studded gala at her New Chicago penthouse, where they will dedicate a statue picturing West interrupting Swift during her acceptance speech.