But new details today shed light on Snooki’s inexplicable rise to the top of the reality show garbage heap. A deal with the Devil, brokered in 2008, led Snooki to be accepted and warmly accepted on the meaningless all-Italian reality show.

In the pact, Satan the Devil agreed to provide Snooki with fame and fortune beyond the wildest dreams of anyone with Snooki’s pathetic level of intelligence, talent, and charm. In return, Snooki has agreed to provide her womb as the incubator for the coming Antichrist, as well as a player to be named later.

Snooki is said to be very happy with the terms of her blood contract with Beelzebub, destroyer of worlds. When asked about giving birth to the harbinger of Armageddon, Snooki flipped her greasy, heavily-sprayed weave and said, “Huh? Like, what?”

Satan had no comment other than a ten minute laughing fit.

The show, about a Glee Club in an Ohio high school, has fueled the most buzz among new series this season. The all-gay cast sing and dance their way through each episode’s interminable running time, much to the delight and admiration of fans around the world.

And those fans are, according to this new poll, mostly homosexual. While musicals have always been a staple favorite of homosexuals everywhere, their tastes – like their lifestyles – have been neatly tucked away out of sight. That is, until now. Glee seems to have galvanized the homosexual community in a way that hasn’t been seen since the Village People craze of the latter three months of 1978.

While not all of Glee’s fanbase are homosexual, the poll reveals that any heterosexual stragglers will soon be converting to the other team. One in five identified themselves as straight, but also mentioned that they are now curious after seeing lithe, fresh-faced young men singing and dancing like women.

Lesbians were not polled for this survey since they hate everything anyway.

Critics were not surprised by the findings. Many have wondered for years how Ferguson managed to secure a late night spot on American television despite his thick, unintelligible accent and complete lack of comedic abilities. The new survey confirms that Ferguson has absolutely no idea what to do with a joke.

There were several other familiar names in the list of unfunny people, including Tim Allen (when not in jail), Jay Leno’s monologue, and any Eddie Murphy film after 1983. Beating all of these was a mossy rock found behind the shed of an elderly woman in Bartles, Wisconsin, which almost caused the woman to trip and therefore be funnier than any of the others.

Representatives for Ferguson decried the results, and vowed to increase Ferguson

This morning, God announced He was releasing the First Horseman in response to the premiere of the MTV hit show.

God, through resurrected spokesman Elijah, said that He “is so fucking pissed off” about the show, which he deemed “unacceptable.” He added: “I wish I had thought to put another Commandment in there about not making shit like this.” God mentioned that he instructed the Horseman to ride swiftly against all guidos and guidettes, or anyone attempting to look and act like them.

When asked outside a club about his opinion regarding God’s threats against humanity, series star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino promised that he would use his rock-hard abs to repel any attacks by God or his henchmen. “Have you seen my abs?” asked Sorrentino, lifting his shirt. “I don’t think humanity has anything to worry about with these fucking hot-ass abs around.”

But God wants it made clear that He is not joking about the coming Jersey Shore-related Apocalypse. “I swear to fucking Me that if you people keep this show on the air, I’ll send every Horseman I’ve got until the planet is nothing but a burned-out cinder floating in space,” said the Supreme Being. He added: “I’ve put up with genocide, world wars, pestilence, greed, and George Bush, but even I have a limit to the shit I’ll take before I lose it.”

Fans thrilled to the amazing mysteries solved by Lansbury’s Fletcher for twelve seasons in the eighties and nineties. During her time on television, Fletcher managed to solve 264 murders, all of which conveniently seemed to occur whenever Fletcher arrived somewhere. In fact, many fans began to wonder about the high body count that followed Fletcher around, but they never suspected that their beloved crime-solver was ever involved in the murders themselves.

But for series creators Richard Levinson and William Link, this miniseries is the chance to reward eagle-eyed fans of the show. “We dropped subtle clues throughout the series to point to Jessica as the actual killer,” said Levinson in a telephone interview. Added Link: “Jessica is the greatest serial killer never known!”

For 84 year old Lansbury, turning the tables on her Jessica character is a dream come true. “I regret ever playing that boring bitch,” said Lansbury, adding that “everywhere I go I have old ladies coming up and hugging me. It’s disgusting.”

The four-part miniseries will culminate in a climactic execution scene in which Jessica is electrocuted in front of a group comprised of family members of her 264 victims. “It will be an unforgettable television moment when Jessica meets her well-deserved end,” said Levinson. He also shared this juicy sneak preview of that final death scene: “Jessica screams profanities as they flip the switch, and her sweater ignites in flames.”

Lansbury said that she relished that nasty ending to Jessica’s story. “Hopefully now everyone will stay away from me because they’re scared I will kill them,” said Lansbury, smiling. She revealed that she lobbied hard for Jessica to die “by guillotine” or some other torturous method. In the end, Lansbury said that burning Jessica alive is “an ending I can live with.”

The miniseries will premiere after the season finale of The Mentalist this May.

The change is unsurprising considering the channel’s recent programming. “We basically only show episodes of Operation Repo anyway, so the change is basically just cosmetic in nature,” said head of programming Frank Turner. Thanks to the four new viewers the channel has gained with the change in programming, TruTV has passed the Catholic channel as the second least watched channel on cable television.

The increase in viewership is no surprise to Turner. “People love to see real-life confrontation, as well as freaks,” said Turner, “and our full lineup of reposession shows provides viewers with both.” Turner concedes that the channels’ previous programming left much to be desired. “That old court television lineup would bore a dead ostrich,” said Turner.

Despite the fact that the channel is supposed to cover a wide variety of reality programming, it settled on its current lineup of repo shows when it was decided that it was the only profession interesting enough to cover on a daily basis. The four new viewers seem to verify this idea.

Turner said he has no plans to add any other types of reality programming to the lineup. “Why fix what ain’t broke,” said Turner proudly.

But a new survey unveiled what many cable subscribers have already suspected: that there are actually more police shows on television than there are actual television sets in the United States. The not-so-surprising results of this year-long investigation showed that the number of police procedurals are outpacing television sales by nearly 20%.

This is not news to Ghen Maynard, head of programming at CBS. “Police shows have been increasing exponentially in the last several years,” said Gaynard in a recent interview. “They’re easy to write, and you can do a lot of nasty and disgusting things in them.”

The survey blamed the boom in police shows on the CSI franchise, which now has 2,375 different versions playing around the clock in all time zones. “You simply cannot avoid a police procedural if you own a television or have ever looked at one,” said Gaynard. The number is even more astounding considering the fact that the sruvey discounted shows that feature doctors doing police work, like <em>House</em>, although it did include shows like <em>The Mentalist</em> that feature police periferally.

But if anyone thinks the glut of police shows will soon come to and end, Maynard has some sobering information. “We (CBS) are actually looking into creating our own cable system, with hundreds of channels of police and detective shows.” Maynard added with a laugh: “It’s hard to believe, but people eat this shit up like it was crack-flavored candy.”

Poll Director Chris Johnson said that 95% of the people polled by his office said they were only watching the Series in order to “watch those fucking New York cheaters lose in their precious, billion-dollar shitbox.” The only respondents to say they supported the Yankees were paid members of the Steinbrenner family.

Many longtime baseball fans who have avoided past Series telecasts were drawn to this one simply because they despise the Yankees. Bill Hutchison of Chicago is one such fan. His favorite team, the Cubs, haven’t won a Series in over 100 years, and he therefore rarely watches the October classic. But he tuned in this year to root against Steinbrenner’s Yankees. “Fuck the Yankees,” said Hutchison bluntly. “They spend half a billion dollars a year more than everybody else, and I want them to lose, goddammit.”

Several fans threw Series parties in order to show their disgust for the Yankees presence. At one bar, patrons would jeer derisively and scream “A-Roid” and “Faggot!” every time Alex Rodriguez would come to the plate. And when star closer Mariano Rivera would come out of the bullpen, the patrons would yell “Skeletor!”

According to Johnson, this sentiment was widespread in most of the people he interviewed. “It’s shocking how much people hate this team, even though they are a pretty talented bunch of players.”

The poll has a +/- 5% degree of accuracy. In order to get a concentrated sampling area, Johnson limited his polling to the city and surrounding counties of Boston.

“The upgrade was necessary in order to remain ahead of our competition,” said ComCast spokeperson Nancy Franklin. “We simply didn’t have enough room for the type of programming our customers expect.”

While most of the channels will feature blank pages and static, Franklin promises that ComCast will fill some of them with the essentials that cable customers desire. “We currently only have fifteen channels of religious programming,” said Franklin, “but we intend to double that. In fact, we want to give the very popular Mother Mary Angelica her own channel, so people can benefit from her sexless advice all day long.” Franklin adds that the religious channels are the bread and butter of cable television. “Religious channels full of nuns and priests give people a sense of comfort, and they are by far everyone’s favorite.”

But if that massive dose of religion wasn’t enough, ComCast also plans to add several more infomercial channels, including an entire channel devoted to Ronco products. Says Franklin: “The simple fact is that infomercials are terrific entertainment. They’re thrilling and useful at the same time.”

When pressed about whether this expansion will cause cable rates to rise, Franklin was evasive, but assured everyone that “the perceived value of having 300 more channels of static and religious channels is well worth any additional cost to the consumer.”

Says creator and head writer J.J. Abrams: “We’re fucked.”

The show, which chronicles the survivors of a horrendous plane crash as they discover the mysteries of their unwelcoming island home, was the darling of television’s highest honors when it debuted in 2004. With its daring combination of top-notch talent and a startling premise, the show took off in the ratings and swept the Emmys for several years.

But then the trouble began.

Abrams freely admits that the entire show was nothing more than a lark, initiated from a bet he made with X-FILES creator Chris Carter. “Chris (Carter) bet me that I couldn’t make a television series more bewildering and nonsensical than the one he created with X-FILES,” said Abrams, who has a long list of pointless credits to his name already. “So I took that bet.”

But Abrams now feels that tackling this assignment was a terrible mistake. “In the last few years, the fans have been hounding me constantly about the meanings of various events and characters on the show. Some of these fans and their questions actually terrify me in primal ways.”

Fans of the show have been complaining loudly that the series seems to be making careless mistakes with the timeline, and they often cite several inconsistencies in the character arcs. However, most fans of the show believe that the series has a definite end that will tie everything together. As longtime fan and LOST message board troll Chris Daniel said recently, “the show will make sense by the time it’s all said and done.”

Not true, says Abrams. “We don’t have a single fucking clue how this is supposed to end. We’re basically pulling it all out of our asses from show to show,” said Abrams. Added longtime series writer Damon Lindelof: “I basically just write down dreams I’ve had the night before, and hope it makes sense. Sometimes I write the scripts by throwing paint at a canvas until it forms word-like pictures.”

Series star Matthew Fox admits that he long ago stopped caring about the words coming out of his mouth. “I just try to keep breathing, which is really the only consistent character trait Jack Shephard (his character on the show) has exhibited,” said the actor recently. “I really just want it to end so I can go onto something with some sort of actual meaning.”

But for series fans, the hope still endures that their long wait will result in a transforming resolution. “I just know that this series will end with the most amazing climax ever seen on television,” said Daniel in a recent online message. “It will forever change life on Earth.”

When this remark was brought to Abrams’ attention, he shook his head, laughed, and simply replied: “What a poor pathetic bunch of lifeless dumbasses.”