A distraught Casey Anthony after being found not guilty
ORLANDO – The entire nation sat in stunned disbelief yesterday as a jury in Orlando, Florida found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her little daughter Caylee and dumping her tiny body in a swamp. Now a free woman, Casey Anthony has a verdict for the jury: “You’re a bunch of morons.”
The infamous “Tot Mom” broke her three years of silence after a group of her peers cleared her of any wrongdoing in the disappearance and death of two year old Caylee in 2008. The murder case garnered national attention thanks to the peculiar remorselessness shown by Caylee’s mother Casey Anthony, as well as the litany of lies that she spun to cover over her daughter’s death.
Casey explained that those lies were all part of the plan. “I wanted to be caught and convicted of being a murderer,” said Casey from her Orlando cell, ” and these idiots on the jury foiled my plans.” Casey said that she tried to make up as many stories as possible in order to make the decision quick and easy. “What did they even need to think about?” asked Casey rhetorically.
After drugging and suffocating Caylee to death, Casey says she left the body in the car “for several days” in order to “really get it nice and smelly” so that family and police would suspect her immediately. When that didn’t work, Casey drove down the street and tossed Caylee along the side of the road “so that it would be obvious that I killed her and disposed of her in the most awful way imaginable.”
Casey then put a cherry on top of her conviction. “I lied repeatedly to everyone I met during that time. Every single one of the 1,500 people searching for Caylee got a different story from me so that I would look as guilty as possible,” said Casey, cackling wildly. The various stories and lies prevented police from finding Caylee’s body until months later, which ultimately proved Casey’s undoing. “Since the body was so decomposed, they couldn’t prove how I killed her,” said Casey remorsefully, adding, “I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier.”
The trial, assumed to be a slam-dunk for Casey and the prosecution, turned against Casey in the end. “I couldn’t believe they acquitted me of everything,” said Casey incredulously. Even the charges of child negligence were dropped. “I mean, I was the mother and the child died and I cannot give a reasonable explanation of how – you’d think they would AT LEAST charge me with that!” muttered Casey.
But the world hasn’t heard the last of this notorious child killing machine. “Fuck it – I’ll have another kid and kill it, too – maybe they’ll finally get it right!” said Casey defiantly.
Katzenberg Unveils 4-D Movie Experience
