Disturbed by how infrequently his name has appeared in the news recently, Dr. Arnold Klein released a statement today revealing that the late Michael Jackson, his former patient and friend, was actually a gay Leprechaun rapist.
The statement, read by Klein on several news outlets, detailed the sick perversion Jackson hid from the world. “I would like the world to know that I did not approve of Mr. Jackson’s repeated rapes of male Leprechauns,” said Klein in an interview, adding that Jackson “threatened (Klein) with actions up to and including rape if (he) ever revealed this secret.”
Klein did not reveal where Jackson met or acquired the Leprechauns needed for his habitual rapings. When asked how Jackson could rape anything largely believed to be a mythical creature, Klein simply said that he believed it to be true “in his heart of hearts. My friend, Michael Jackson, raped Leprechauns.”
Klein produced photographs of Jackson raping a Leprechaun to prove his slightly unbelievable story. Several sources came forward to question the validity of the photographs, noting the apparent pasting of Jackson’s face over a porn scene using Photoshop. Klein denied these allegations, claiming that he “doesn’t even know where Photoshop is.”
Joe Jackson was quick to denounce Klein’s assertions, claiming that Klein was only after more money and more attention. “We all know Michael only loved to rape young white boys, not leprechauns,” said Jackson in his late son’s defense. Afterwards, Jackson revealed exclusive photos of a young Michael being anally violated by alien donkeys. Jackson said the bidding for the photos begins at $250,000 a piece.
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