Critics were not surprised by the findings. Many have wondered for years how Ferguson managed to secure a late night spot on American television despite his thick, unintelligible accent and complete lack of comedic abilities. The new survey confirms that Ferguson has absolutely no idea what to do with a joke.

There were several other familiar names in the list of unfunny people, including Tim Allen (when not in jail), Jay Leno’s monologue, and any Eddie Murphy film after 1983. Beating all of these was a mossy rock found behind the shed of an elderly woman in Bartles, Wisconsin, which almost caused the woman to trip and therefore be funnier than any of the others.

Representatives for Ferguson decried the results, and vowed to increase Ferguson

It is a shocking turn of events in the case, as most onlookers expected that Johnson died of a drug overdose. The heiress was a well-known drug user, which she used to fill the empty days and nights of her pointless existence.

The results of the autopsy have stunned Johnson’s family and friends. “I knew that Tila (Tequila) was nasty, but I had no idea that her vagina was so lethal to human life,” said famed lesbian phony Lindsay Lohan in a prepared statement. Fellow socialite Paris Hilton echoed Lohan’s shock, saying, “I told (Casey) that she needed to stick to deep throating dudes, and stay away from that chink bitch.”

While there has been no official word from Tequila on the matter, she has released 1.4 million tweets that reaffirm her innocence. The latest tweet read: “My pussy is clean, dammit. It don’t stink or nothing!” The coroner has said that these tweets cannot be used as evidence

Many people in and out of the music world have been completely disgusted by Doherty’s fingernails, which look as if they contain enough dirt in which to start a small vegetable garden. Doherty, once rumored to be an actual musician with a set of musical skills in an actual band, has spent all of the last several years doing drugs. And not cleaning his fingernails.

Stylists praised Doherty’s new look, which they all felt made the googly-eyed rocker “look almost human.” Doherty, when asked what he thought of the cleaner fingernails, said, “Mhhmmm, knhhlmmm jarrdnnonn.”

Described as a “fish out of water science fiction film,” Cameron has promised that fans will not be disappointed. “Everything you’ve ever loved about my previous films will be in this new film,” said Cameron.

When pressed for details, Cameron unleashed a few juicy tidbits. “For one thing, there will be a strong female warrior hero for sure,” said the director, adding that “audiences eat that shit up.” But girls will have more than one hero to root for. “There will also be a secondary female character who also kicks some ass, but she’ll probably be Latino or Mexican and give off lezbo vibes, so she can’t be the heroine,” said the director with a wink.

He also added that we will see some new technologies onscreen for this newest adventure. “In one part of the movie humans will be driving these giant robots, kinda like the powerloader from Aliens, except ever so slightly different. It just looks really cool.”

As for the stories and characters of this upcoming film, Cameron had no comment except to promise that the one character audiences love the most – the corporate slimeball character – will definitely be involved in the storyline. “People really enjoy like to boo and hiss at this type of character, so I really try to include it in every screenplay.”

Although some fans might complain that this newest story sounds fairly familiar and derivative of the director’s other efforts, Cameron says he prefers to think of more positive aspects like opening weekend box office grosses and merchandise. “Fuck those fucking fanboys and all of those pathetic bloggers,” said Cameron angrily. “I make movies to make money, not art.” Smiling, he added: “And baby, I make a lot of fucking money with this shit.”

While most fans thought that old age was the reason for Rubinstein’s declining health and death, it was revealed this morning that it was actually the Poltergeist curse that has taken her life. In a press release, doctors at Cedar Sinai hospital confirmed through rigourous blood testing that Rubinstein, 76, was dying of the dreaded curse, which has already claimed several lives associated with the 1982 horror film.

In 1988 the curse famously killed Heather O’Rourke, who played little Carol Anne in the film. Just after the release of the film, Dominique Dunne, who played the cunty older sister of Carol Anne, was murdered by her boyfriend in her driveway due to the influence of the curse. In later years, the curse also forced producer STeven Spielberg to direct Hook, almost caused Craig T. Nelson to choke on a chicken bone at a fancy restaurant, as well as completely destroying the career of JoBeth Williams. Only little Oliver Robins, who played Robbie, was spared by the curse, presumably due to the fact that he was ugly and a poor actor.

While fans await news of the latest victim of the Poltergeist curse, many wonder who will be the inevitable next victim. If you or anyone you love comes down with a severe cold, slight feeling of nausea, or any type of distress whatsoever, it’s being advised to go to the hospital in order to check for signs of the Poltergeist curse.

But, to his surprise, none of the fans of the band cared. The eldest Brother tweeted that he felt betrayed by the fanbase, who had followed his band around the world screaming their heads off.

For Jonas Brothers fanclub president Julie Murphy, the answer to this mysterious nonchalance is simple: Kevin Jonas is ugly. Murphy says that Kevin “is not nearly as cute as Nick or Joe.” Added Murphy: “Who cares if Kevin got married? He’s ugly. He might as well be dead.” When asked what her reaction might be to attractive brothers Nick or Joe getting married, Murphy pointed to a noose already fastened to a beam in her garage. “See that?” she asked, motioning toward the gallows, “I will be swinging from that before Nick or Joe ever finish their vows.” 

All of this is news to Kevin, who always mistakenly thought the girls were screaming for him. He tweeted that he ”wanted to die because of what these teenaged girls think about me.”

There was also no reaction from fans about Kevin’s suicide threats.

This morning, God announced He was releasing the First Horseman in response to the premiere of the MTV hit show.

God, through resurrected spokesman Elijah, said that He “is so fucking pissed off” about the show, which he deemed “unacceptable.” He added: “I wish I had thought to put another Commandment in there about not making shit like this.” God mentioned that he instructed the Horseman to ride swiftly against all guidos and guidettes, or anyone attempting to look and act like them.

When asked outside a club about his opinion regarding God’s threats against humanity, series star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino promised that he would use his rock-hard abs to repel any attacks by God or his henchmen. “Have you seen my abs?” asked Sorrentino, lifting his shirt. “I don’t think humanity has anything to worry about with these fucking hot-ass abs around.”

But God wants it made clear that He is not joking about the coming Jersey Shore-related Apocalypse. “I swear to fucking Me that if you people keep this show on the air, I’ll send every Horseman I’ve got until the planet is nothing but a burned-out cinder floating in space,” said the Supreme Being. He added: “I’ve put up with genocide, world wars, pestilence, greed, and George Bush, but even I have a limit to the shit I’ll take before I lose it.”

Fans thrilled to the amazing mysteries solved by Lansbury’s Fletcher for twelve seasons in the eighties and nineties. During her time on television, Fletcher managed to solve 264 murders, all of which conveniently seemed to occur whenever Fletcher arrived somewhere. In fact, many fans began to wonder about the high body count that followed Fletcher around, but they never suspected that their beloved crime-solver was ever involved in the murders themselves.

But for series creators Richard Levinson and William Link, this miniseries is the chance to reward eagle-eyed fans of the show. “We dropped subtle clues throughout the series to point to Jessica as the actual killer,” said Levinson in a telephone interview. Added Link: “Jessica is the greatest serial killer never known!”

For 84 year old Lansbury, turning the tables on her Jessica character is a dream come true. “I regret ever playing that boring bitch,” said Lansbury, adding that “everywhere I go I have old ladies coming up and hugging me. It’s disgusting.”

The four-part miniseries will culminate in a climactic execution scene in which Jessica is electrocuted in front of a group comprised of family members of her 264 victims. “It will be an unforgettable television moment when Jessica meets her well-deserved end,” said Levinson. He also shared this juicy sneak preview of that final death scene: “Jessica screams profanities as they flip the switch, and her sweater ignites in flames.”

Lansbury said that she relished that nasty ending to Jessica’s story. “Hopefully now everyone will stay away from me because they’re scared I will kill them,” said Lansbury, smiling. She revealed that she lobbied hard for Jessica to die “by guillotine” or some other torturous method. In the end, Lansbury said that burning Jessica alive is “an ending I can live with.”

The miniseries will premiere after the season finale of The Mentalist this May.

The survey, which spanned every country on Earth, examined human accomplishments using a detailed series of questions about lifestyle. Jagger scored the lowest possible rating based on what he does day-to day.

The singer, who hasn’t released a song of any kind in almost two decades, revealed that he mostly “hangs around the house,” occasionally stopping to “pout his lips in front of a mirror for old time’s sake.” Jagger also said that he sometimes turns his eyes slightly to the left in order to “look out a window and watch a bird or something.” In the additional comments section, Jagger revealed that he has little interest in doing anything at all “except breathing and blinking.”

This put Jagger at the top of the most inactive list, just ahead of Betsy Budger of Maryland, a 700 pound shut-in whose habit of changing the television channel herself made her slightly more active than Jagger. In a statement, Budger said that it makes her feel better to know that she can still be more productive than Mick Jagger “despite being an enormous fatass.” The survey also showed that even impoverished people in third world countries were more productive then Jagger simply by swatting at flies on their faces.

A spokesperson for Jagger was quick to respond, reminding everyone that the Rolling Stones singer had many productive years as one of the most recognizable celebrities in the world. The spokesman also added that Jagger has earned the right to sit around and do nothing at all for the rest of his life.

Jagger himself could not be bothered to comment on this article.

For Islamic terrorists, martyrdom means inheriting a heavenly afterlife full of unquenchable young virgins. But that promise of paradise has been shattered today by new allegations that Woods has already had sex with over 80% of angelic creatures, as well as innumerable demons and goat-devils in the depths of Hell. More celestial beings are expected to come forward in the coming days.

These revelations concern Al Abib Juhara, an Islamic extremist hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. “If I cannot fuck virgins all day and night for eternity, why on Earth would I blow myself up in order to crush the Great Satan, America?” asked Juhara through a translator. “Instead of killing myself for Islam, I might as well stay home and marry a camel.”

It’s exactly that type of response that worries sociologists specializing in Middle Eastern relations. Professor Donald Garson of The Middle East Institute sees trouble ahead for the world’s largest religion. “If these Muslim terrorists do not have virgins waiting for them, then they simply will not martyr themselves for Islam,” said Garson. “The Muslim religion will ultimately collapse because Tiger Woods had intercourse with everything on Earth and in heaven.”

In response to the recent revelations, Gatorade has announced that it is pulling all of its Tiger Woods-related advertising. Said Gatorade spokesperson Alice Jamble: “We do not want Islamic terrorists bombing our products simply because one of our sponsors had intercourse with their heavenly virgins.”

But this devastating result of sexual infidelity has little effect on Woods, who has already admitted that he cannot help himself when it comes to sex. When asked if he would regret having sex with celestial beings if it meant the destruction of Islam, Woods simply said, “Fuck no. Screwing deities is the shizzle, my nizzle.”

Allah had no comment for this article.