But new details today shed light on Snooki’s inexplicable rise to the top of the reality show garbage heap. A deal with the Devil, brokered in 2008, led Snooki to be accepted and warmly accepted on the meaningless all-Italian reality show.

In the pact, Satan the Devil agreed to provide Snooki with fame and fortune beyond the wildest dreams of anyone with Snooki’s pathetic level of intelligence, talent, and charm. In return, Snooki has agreed to provide her womb as the incubator for the coming Antichrist, as well as a player to be named later.

Snooki is said to be very happy with the terms of her blood contract with Beelzebub, destroyer of worlds. When asked about giving birth to the harbinger of Armageddon, Snooki flipped her greasy, heavily-sprayed weave and said, “Huh? Like, what?”

Satan had no comment other than a ten minute laughing fit.

Many celebrity justice advocates showed up at Lindsay’s arrival, many of whom wore t-shirts that read “Justice for Lindsay.” The advocates have been fighting for weeks to get Judge Marsha Revel to provide Lohan with the type of accommodations that a star of her caliber deserves. “Do you think Paris Hilton would even cop a squat in a dump like the Peninsula?” asked Sandy Baker, one of the leaders of the celebrity justice movement in Los Angeles. She added that the room in which Lindsay will be imprisoned – the Deluxe Suite with a King Bed – only goes for $1,800 a night and is even occasionally used by ”regular” people.

Although Lindsay will have a full-time chef there to prepare meals, a masseuse to massage her aching muscles, and a bartender/supplier on site to provide her with any number of requests, advocates stress that her punishment is beyond anything reasonably forced on the general public. “If a normal person got a DUI, do you think they would even be imprisoned?” asked Sandy Culbertson, head of the Lindsay Lohan fan club. “They would just pay a fine and that would be it. But Lindsay is not only being imprisoned, but she’s has to do it in a place that may or may not have fecal matter on the sheets.”

Lindsay’s attorney at this moment, Shawn Chapman Holley, is fighting to have Lohan moved to a more suitable facility. Holley is lobbying Judge Revel to move Lohan to Necker Island, an exclusive club on a deserted island that charges $10,000 a night. That, asserts Holley, would be “more suitable for a star of Lindsay’s magnitude.”

Fresh off his success with The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Bruckheimer announced that he would be adapting Stephens’ simple doodle into a major motion picture. ”That picture has everything that anyone could possibly want in a summer film,” said Bruckheimer, drooling slightly onto his $1,500 suit.

The winning picture shows four smiling, orb-like beings with rainbows for hair. That’s all it takes to make $50 million in first-weekend grosses, said the scintillating producer behind some of Hollywood’s most amazing entertainments. When pressed for details about the possible plot of this film, Bruckheimer became defensive. “Look, they’re making a fucking Ant-Man movie,” he said tersely. “Let’s just say that they’ll be four superheroes who shoot rainbows out of the top of their fucking heads. Nobody gives a shit as long as there are special effects.”

As for the Stephens family, they have only one regret. “We wish we would have held out for more money,” said Andy Stephens, Bethany’s father. “When Mr. Bruckheimer said he wanted to make Bethany’s drawing into a film, we thought he was joking, so we agreed,” said Bethany’s mother, Tammy. Since the family had no idea Bruckheimer was serious, they agreed to give Bruckheimer full rights to the drawing in exchange for dinner at the Bruckheimer estate. “Frankly, the food kinda sucked,” said Andy regretfully, “and Mr. Bruckheimer never even showed. You just can’t trust those Hollywood types.”

No comment from Bethany, who is busily working on the sequel.

Audio engineers accidentally discovered the hidden messages while editing the tape for a YouTube parody. When playing the audio in reverse, they realized that Gibson was reciting various passages from the Bible. For instance, when Gibson told ex-girlfriend Oksana that she “looked like a fucking bitch in heat, and if she got raped by a pack of niggers, it would be her own fault,” the engineers discovered that Gibson was actually subliminally quoting Jeremiah 51 : “43 Her cities now lie in ruins; she is a dry wilderness where no one lives or even passes by.” Later, when Gibson told Oksana that she “should shut up and blow me, because I deserve it,” a backwards playing of the tape revealed that Gibson was actually quoting from the book of Joel : “Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other.”

Many religious leaders, most of whom had never seen a Bible in their lives, praised the one-time actor for his bravery and initiative. “Reverend” Jesse Jackson said that Gibson should be honored as one of the most creative preachers of all time. “I can’t even talk dat shit front-ways,” said Jackson, “but Mad Mel brought dat religious shit backwards, undah duh radar, like!” The Pope seized the opportunity to ask Gibson to become ordained as a priest for the Catholic Church, citing his ability to actually quote a Bible verse, as well as his complete lack of interest in fucking young buys.

But for Gibson, the praise does little to satisfy his unquenchable desire to plant Oksana in a rose garden. “She’s too much of a stupid fucking whore to understand the fucking Bible, forward or backwards,” said Gibson, adding, “she couldn’t get spiritual if I shoved a Bible into her bloody cunt five minutes after she was dead from a severe spinal injury.”

Like most wealthy Americans, Steinbrenner was born into money. He then took that enormous wealth and squandered it on the Yankees over the years. Despite having won 11 championships and seven World Series titles, Steinbrenner demonstrated that he had as much baseball knowledge as a wet rag in the corner of the shower room in the home clubhouse at Wrigley Field. Thanks to Steinbrenner’s blind and idiotic free agent spending sprees, most other teams in Major League Baseball quickly folded under the pressure of keeping up with the Yankees, thus ruining America’s Pasttime.

A spokesperson for the Yankees said that they are already searching the free agent market for a replacement for the departed leader. Qualities they are said to be looking for are a capacity to scream over the combined noise pollution of New York City, turn red in the face in under five seconds, sign blank checks blindfolded, and be unable to recognize a baseball in a bucket of baseballs. The Yankees said their minimum offer would start at $104 million a year on a twenty year contract.

The judge stated that when the SCRAM device was attached to Lohan’s left leg on Monday, it became erractic, started slurring, and eventually puked behind a trash can outside an Uncle Bill’s pancake house. SCRAM technicians blame the behavior on the alarming amounts of alcohol and drugs coursing through Lohan’s veins. They state this is the first time for such an occurrence in the ten year history of the monitoring system.

In response, Judge Revel decided to have another SCRAM device attached to Lohan’s device, in order to monitor the blood-alcohol level of the device. Revel said that the move was done because she feared for the health and safety of Lohan’s SCRAM, which would need to operate in “close proximity to the highest concentration of toxic material known to man.” The judge did not disclose if that description referred to the drugs and alcohol in her system, or if she was referring to Lohan’s vagina.

Dina Lohan filed a lawsuit against the judge early this morning. In her lawsuit, Dina states that the judge’s ruling would “prevent Lindsay Lohan from dying in a drug-induced puddle of vomit at an early age, thereby preventing Dina Lohan from earning significant amounts of income based on Lindsay’s early demise.” Dina is seeking $10 million in damages.

Paul Evans, who led the ten year Federally-funded study, revealed that being a member of a death metal band typically tends to shorten life spans. “People who make and perform this type of music generally hate living, and so it is not surprising that many of these performers die unnaturally young,” said Evans. He cited the overwhelming number of death metal band members who die of suicide, drug overdoses, and from being too stupid to remember to breathe.

Evans also pointed out that the risk is only slightly lower for death metal band fans, who show an alarming propensity to pummel each other in mosh pits, and often die of snapped necks while rocking out to their favorite band’s excessively-loud songs about murder and Satan. He also added that many death metal performers and fans die due to never leaving the house without being covered in black, which often leads to a severe vitamin D deficiency and death.

Alarmed by Gray’s death, President Obama vowed to introduce legislation that would make death metal music illegal across the country. In a statement, Obama said that death metal “represents one of the greatest threats to our nation’s security and unity.” He added that he would not be deterred from this course “unless the people change their minds about it.”

Slipknot publicist Bambi “Bloody Cunt” Johnson said that Gray’s corpse would be propped up at every Slipknot concert in order to rot in front of the fans. When asked why the band woulddo something like that, Johnson said that displaying Gray’s decomposing corpse would be “fucking righteous, dude.”

The company, TicketLoans, will provide short-term loans to average moviegoers who simply cannot get enough of the amazing theatrical experience but who cannot afford movie tickets. “The average trip to the movie theater for one person has now reached hundreds of dollars, and this is out of reach for the petty cash funds of most Americans,” said Martin Freeborn, PR director for the fledgling company. “We step in and provide the necessary financing so that people can still enjoy a quality time at the theater.”

Consumer advocacy groups expressed outrage at the tactics of the company. Janet Goodwin of JusticeNow said that the formation of TicketLoans would “bring America to her financial knees,” adding that the company “exists only to profit from America’s insatiable addictions to the amazing entertainments Hollywood provides on a weekly basis at the movie theater.” Goodwin likened TicketLoans to a crack dealer cashing in on strung-out addicts. She said that there are many people in this world who simply cannot say “no” to paying $25 for a ticket to see Sex In The City 2 in 3D with a large bucket of popcorn, soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. She said that these poor souls will be the first ones reaching bankruptcy.

Not true says Freeborn, who insists that his company will provide these short term loans at “a reasonable interest rate of 24-32%, depending on credit.” He also stated that his company is not seeking profit, merely filling a need within the moviegoing community. “Moviegoers love the theatrical experience too much to let it go. So many masterpieces are released from Hollywood every year, and the average moviegoer needs to see them in a theater despite the sticky floors, cell phone interruptions, and poor picture quality. Our loans allow them to afford the experience once again,” said Freeborn.

In related news, internet piracy jumped up 240% over the weekend.

The 3D craze, ignited by the remarkable profits of James Cameron’s Avatar, has led to a nearly constant barrage of announcements about in-production films being made into 3D. According to Obama, this glut of announcements has caused more newsworthy items to be lost in the shuffle. “Most Americans know nothing about the BP oil spill, the credit crisis, or the deets on the new Christina Aguilera album because of these announcements,” said The President outside a hot dog stand in Chicago. He added: “We get it – movies will be made in 3D from now on. So let’s just assume that and get on with life.”

This is welcomed news from most of the top marketing firms in Hollywood, many of which expressed relief at the order. “It was really becoming difficult to come up with new ways to tell everyone that the latest Channing Tatum/Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy will be filmed in 3D,” said Russ Overmeyer, head writer for Cimarron Marketing Group. He added that the new ban “might allow us to focus on more important aspects of marketing a film, such as repetitive music, blue/orange color schemes, and loud, thunderous noises.”

Obama vowed to fight the use of 3D in advertising until “the studios stop entirely, or the American people decide they like it, at which point I will change my position.” When asked about rising unemployment, lack of available credit, and Wall Street scandals, the President deep throated a hot dog and had no further comment.

The moment, captured by amateur video, shows an enraged Bieber repeatedly sucker-punching the younger Chance. Representatives for the Ellen Show denied the existence of the incident at first, only to recant once police became involved. They distributed a picture of the incident to the police and the press this morning.

Eyewitnesses said that Bieber was furious about Greyson’s extraordinary talents, which he felt eclipsed his own meager gifts. They also said that, while punching Greyson in the face, Bieber kept screaming about being replaced as a Twitter Trending Topic by the pint-sized tunesmith. After several punches, Bieber tried to pull Greyson’s hair out, accusing Greyson of stealing his “trademarked good looks.”

Bieber fans around the world have been shocked by the sudden violence. Bieber fan Alison Vetter said, through tears, that she “can’t believe Justin would do something like, like, like, this.” A spokesperson for Bieber released a statement on Bieber’s Facebook page to explain his actions to his stunned fans. It said that, while Bieber does not condone violence, “sometimes it’s necessary when some punk-ass comes along and thinks he’s all that.”

While recuperating in the hospital, Greyson said that he didn’t want to get into a war of words with the 16 year old star. In a simple statement, Greyson said, “In the end, I can actually sing, play an instrument, and write my own songs. People will quickly know who has real talent and who is a wigger wannabe.”