“I’m not happy about this at all,” whined Rooney while hunched over his cluttered desk at the CBS studios. “When I get to heaven – which probably sucks – I’m going to tell God exactly what I think about this whole death thing,” added Rooney with his trademark scowl. Rooney added that the worst part of being dead is that “your eyebrow hairs keep growing after everything else stops, and those darn things are getting in my eyes now.”

Doctors are baffled by Rooney’s continued ranting, which should have stopped once his heart and breathing failed and his brain cells died from a lack of oxygen. They have ruled out the proposed theory that Rooney has transformed into some sort of very unhappy zombie, mainly due to the fact that nobody was ever around the unpleasant television personality long enough to bite him. “I’m guessing that Rooney still has so much to complain about that he couldn’t find enough time to just drop dead and stay that way,” said one doctor who wished to remain anonymous for fear that Rooney might mention him in a segment.

Morley Safer, Rooney’s longtime 60 Minutes co-host, was none too thrilled to see Rooney’s re-animated corpse shamble into his office. “When I heard that bitch had died, it felt like I was finally being released from prison,” said Safer. Then, sighing, Safer added, “I guess that old crabass is just too damned angry to rot in hell.”

In the worthless days before Jersey Shore (known on the Julian calendar as B.J.S.), young people were known to be energetic and athletic go-getters who were always on the run. That annoying and pointless quality of youth was thankfully curbed once Jersey Shore premiered. Teenagers who watched the MTV show thrilled to the adventures of Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, J-Woww, and Ronnie as they loafed around every day and made stupid jokes.

Since the new season takes place in Italy, Jeffress promises some “nice antique furniture inlaid with gold” that Ronnie can slouch on while crying all day. He also considered putting in “one of those short Japanese table things that the boys can put their sneakers on when they really need to kick back and relax,” said Jeffress.

Critics have unanimously praised the new show. “There are so many more places to watch the cast sleep and rest,” said television critic Gail Pennington. Renowned critic Mary McNamara called the new season “profoundly satisfying and intriguing,” adding that the new shows ”will probably usher in the next level of evolution in the human species.”

The new season starts tonight.

Despite their disappointment in the verdict, most people have gone on with their lives since the jury reached their decision. They realize that their complaints will never bring Caylee Anthony back, or punish Casey Anthony for the crimes they believe she committed. Additionally, most people have their own lives to worry about, and cannot commit to constant vigilance over a case that had no personal impact.

But that hasn’t stopped Nancy Grace from continuously discussing the concluded case. Grace’s sensationalistic, non-stop coverage has received its share of criticism. “Seriously, find something else to talk about,” said Geraldo Rivera, himself known for whipping up a media frenzy over nothing. He added: “Aren’t there any other dead babies to exploit for ratings?”

Indeed, ratings have plummeted from record highs since the end of the trial, indicating the public’s waning interest in the case. Still, Grace continues to flog the dead child’s memory in order to keep her viewership. When asked about her continued exploitation of the case, Grace simply said, “Tot Mom.” When asked to elaborate, she replied, “Tot Mom Casey Anthony.”

In addition to her continuing coverage of the case, Grace announced that she plans to have a camera inserted into Caylee Anthony’s grave in order to watch her bones deteriorate on live television over the course of a million years. Grace said that the point of all of this is to bring “justice for little Cah-lee,” as well as “Tot Mom Casey Anthony, Tot Mom Casey Anthony, Tot Mom Casey Anthony.”

A distraught Casey Anthony after being found not guilty

ORLANDO – The entire nation sat in stunned disbelief yesterday as a jury in Orlando, Florida found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her little daughter Caylee and dumping her tiny body in a swamp. Now a free woman, Casey Anthony has a verdict for the jury: “You’re a bunch of morons.”

The infamous “Tot Mom” broke her three years of silence after a group of her peers cleared her of any wrongdoing in the disappearance and death of two year old Caylee in 2008. The murder case garnered national attention thanks to the peculiar remorselessness shown by Caylee’s mother Casey Anthony, as well as the litany of lies that she spun to cover over her daughter’s death.

Casey explained that those lies were all part of the plan. “I wanted to be caught and convicted of being a murderer,” said Casey from her Orlando cell, ” and these idiots on the jury foiled my plans.” Casey said that she tried to make up as many stories as possible in order to make the decision quick and easy. “What did they even need to think about?” asked Casey rhetorically.

After drugging and suffocating Caylee to death, Casey says she left the body in the car “for several days” in order to “really get it nice and smelly” so that family and police would suspect her immediately. When that didn’t work, Casey drove down the street and tossed Caylee along the side of the road “so that it would be obvious that I killed her and disposed of her in the most awful way imaginable.”

Casey then put a cherry on top of her conviction. “I lied repeatedly to everyone I met during that time. Every single one of the 1,500 people searching for Caylee got a different story from me so that I would look as guilty as possible,” said Casey, cackling wildly. The various stories and lies prevented police from finding Caylee’s body until months later, which ultimately proved Casey’s undoing. “Since the body was so decomposed, they couldn’t prove how I killed her,” said Casey remorsefully, adding, “I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier.”

The trial, assumed to be a slam-dunk for Casey and the prosecution, turned against Casey in the end. “I couldn’t believe they acquitted me of everything,” said Casey incredulously. Even the charges of child negligence were dropped. “I mean, I was the mother and the child died and I cannot give a reasonable explanation of how – you’d think they would AT LEAST charge me with that!” muttered Casey.

But the world hasn’t heard the last of this notorious child killing machine. “Fuck it – I’ll have another kid and kill it, too – maybe they’ll finally get it right!” said Casey defiantly.

New promotional materials for the show indicate the new direction for the series

Not so, says Lorre in an exclusive interview with Celebrity Freakshow. Instead, Kutcher will be replacing Angus Jones as the “half man” of the show’s title.

For those unfamiliar with the repetitive series, the show involved Sheen’s playboy character Charlie taking in his uptight brother Alan (played by Jon Cryer) and Alan’s young son Jake (Jones) when Alan goes through a divorce. The show was wildly popular despite being a remake of The Odd Couple with a kid. The series got its name as a jokey reference to the fact that Jones, who was only ten when the series began, was only “half of a man” in comparison to his two much-older series co-stars..

With the sudden departure of Sheen, Lorre was faced with a series that was, at best, stuck with a misleading title. “I didn’t know what to do,” said Lorre, “because we had a show that had one man (Cryer) and Angus, who is now nineteen years old and very much a man as well.” Producers kicked around the idea of restarting the series under a new title. “We seriously considered calling it Two Men for a while, but we hated to lose the connection to the old series,” admitted Lorre.

Lorre found his solution in an unlikely place – Twitter. “I was on Twitter stalking Charlie Sheen when I saw some tweets from Ashton Kutcher,” said Lorre, “and I thought, ‘This guy has the mentality of a nine year old … he could be the half man we’ve been looking for!’”

Subsequent meetings with Kutcher confirmed Lorre’s suspicions. “The guy is a stone-cold retard,” said Lorre, laughing. “Years of living with Demi Moore have turned whatever brain material he once had into a thick, unpleasant pudding.” Lorre admitted that he never explained to Kutcher that the series title is now a joke about his masculinity. “Kutcher was an underwear model, for cryin’ out loud. He’s not concerned with his masculinity even if he could spell the word or understand its meaning,” said Lorre, chortling.

For Jones, this is a welcome relief. “I actually have pubic hair and fuck chicks and make millions of dollars, and I’m pretty sick of being called ‘Half Man’ all the time,” said Jones. Added Lorre: “Angus is a man now and not really a ‘Half Man’ anymore, so I’m glad we managed to find someone like Ashton with the mental and physical capabilities to take on that role.”

Like Sheen, Kutcher’s name on the show will be the actor’s actual first name so as to not confuse him further.

In a top-secret operation last Sunday, U.S Navy seals entered a fortified compound in Pakistan and shot the architect of the terrorist attacks on the United States in 2001. In accordance with Islamic law, bin Laden’s body was washed, covered in a white sheet, and buried in the Indian Ocean within the 24 hour timeframe dictated by sacred Muslim rituals. This gave the government little time to conduct a thorough study of the remains in order to ascertain whether bin Laden was actually dead.

It turns out he wasn’t. The zombified corpse of Osama bin Laden rose from the Indian Ocean floor early this morning. He immediately made another video promising to renew his global jihad against the “brains of the living.” His plan apparently involves biting as many people as possible until “the whole world is consumed by a zombie plague that will make 9/11 look like a trip to Zionist Disneyland,” said zombie Osama.

President Obama had no public comment on the return of bin Laden from the grave, but several Washington insiders paint a grim picture of his mood. “President Obama tried his best to finally kill this guy, but he just won’t die,” said one anonymous source. Many fear that the threat of terrorism will loom larger than ever before now that bin Laden is an undead corpse/terrorist.

While there is no official word on what President Obama plans to use to stop zombie Osama, there have been unconfirmed reports that elite CIA personnel have been training to use shovels, hammers, and axes in hand-to-hand combat.

Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite!

Lady Gaga's new promotional photos reveal shocking truths about the singer

The pictures were taken as part of Lady Gaga’s endless promotional push for her new album, Born This Way. In the photo, given exclusively to Celebrity Freakshow, a seductively-posed Gaga poses with her rear end turned erotically to the camera, revealing large male genitalia tucked discreetly between her legs.

In an accompanying interview, Gaga explains why she felt pressure to reveal her male genitalia to the world. “I am constantly preaching to people that they should be honest about their sexuality, and the whole time I was strapping my dick down with duct tape and padding my underwear so nobody would see it,” admitted the pop star through mascara-streaked tears. She added that she “felt like a hypocrite.”

Critics of the media-manipulating diva have complained that this revelation is simply another ploy for attention. A newly-honest Gaga admits that’s true. “I simply cannot get enough attention and  controversy,” said Gaga, “and I’ll do whatever is necessary to keep people talking about me all the time. I’d shove a leprous pygmy in my ass if it meant one more mention in Rolling Stone magazine or TMZ.”

When asked how she will ever top the media circus spawned by these photos of her cock and balls, Gaga, after a long pause, simply said, “I dunno … maybe kill someone?”

An artist's rendering of what the royal consummation might look like.

As is customary, the prince and his new bride must consummate their vows in front of an audience in order to “seal the deal.” In the past, this royal consummation would take place in front of the royal family in the royal bed chamber in relative privacy. However, given the high level of interest in this marriage and the subsequent revenue streams it has produced, the royal family has decided to televise the moment for the enjoyment and awe of the whole world.

Experts predict that it might be several months before the event happens, given the inability of most British men to become effectively aroused by a human female. This is especially true of the offspring of Prince Charles, who famously could not consummate his marriage with Princess Diana after many years. As many shamefully remember, Charles instead chose to eventually mount the female centaur known as Camilla Parker Bowles. Experts fear that the balding Prince William may have inherited some of his father’s impotency as well.

When it does happen, however, audiences are sure to be thrilled. Pamela Brinkerton, head of the William And Kate Triumphal Love Fan Club predicts that the moment of consummation will be at once romantic and seductive. “When he sticks his royal penis into her royal vagina while mounting her royally in the doggie style position, it will be like watching a real life fairy tale,” said Brinkerton breathlessly.

Media watchers expect the consummation to shatter the viewing audience record set by the wedding itself, mainly because, unlike the wedding, there will be so many men watching it as well. “Men aren’t interested in fairy tale weddings,” said television’s Dr. Drew Pinsky, “but they are interested in watching Kate get mouth raped by William and then having a royal load shot all over her face.” Bets are currently being made in Las Vegas as to whether Kate takes it in the ass during the royal consummation.

When asked for a comment, the Queen said that she appreciated the tremendous interest in her grandson’s consummation because “that means we won’t get kicked out of our castle and forced to live on the street like Commoners.”

Trump’s first order of business if he is elected is to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy in order to clear up the trillions of dollars of debt the U.S. currently owes its creditors. “Paying back loans and other unsecured debt is for suckers and morons,” said Trump. “If we want to be a great nation again, we need to simply stop paying people back and default on these ridiculous debts immediately.”

"The Donald" goes over bankruptcy papers for the United States as part of his economic policy as President

Although many have mocked this newly-revealed economic plan, Trump insists that he knows how to make it work for the American people. “I’m worth billions of dollars, and I have never paid anything back – ever,” barked Trump defiantly, “and America can do the same thing.”

Rather than follow President Obama’s disastrous plan to simply print more money, Trump feels that simply ignoring debt until it goes away is the best way to go. “Bankruptcy would completely free up America from annoying debt and allow it to be prosperous again,” Trump insisted, adding that he knows this best because he’s “gone bankrupt several times and it worked like a charm.”

Despite the harsh criticism he’s received from political pundits, economists, and the unemployed masses living in tent cities, Trump remains adamant on his plan. He intends to file the motion for bankruptcy immediately after moving all of the gold in Fort Knox to a secure location, “probably in the vault of Trump Towers,” said the game show host. “After that,” Trump said, “the rest is easy pickens.”

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Carey discussed how difficult it’s been over the last couple of years to carry around full-grown children in her stomach. “Those little suckers have grown so fast,” said Carey, rubbing her enormous belly, “and they weigh a ton, too. I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever!”The singer admits to gaining “four hundred pounds” on her already-ample frame, which “gives those little buggers room to move around,” said Carey.

Although criticized for never actually giving birth to her twins at the natural nine-month window, Carey and husband Nick Cannon insist that it’s been for the best. “We‘ve saved a lot of money on clothing by simply keeping them inside of me,” said Carey. Cannon added that it makes parenting a snap, since the children are kept out of sight and therefore out of mind.

Carey said the real challenge comes later in life, when her unborn twins find a mate and wish to get married. “I have no idea what we’ll do then,” said Carey, gripping Cannon’s hand tightly. “I’m big, but not big enough for all of that!”