Rihanna shows off her latest fashions at this year's Grammy Awards

LOS ANGELES – Chris Brown and wife Rihanna appeared at the 79th annual Grammy Awards with their five children in tow looking happy and excited. Rihanna, always a knockout, wore a gorgeous out fit and stunning accessories, including a new black eye given to her by Brown just for the event.

Few people on Earth who were alive in 2009 can forget that fateful night prior to the 49th Grammy awards when Brown assaulted Rihanna in a car. Her bruised and battered face made the front page of every newspaper, and she was a hot topic on the gossip circuit. People everywhere taunted Brown mercilessly for years afterwards, calling him a “wifebeater” and constantly bringing up the assault in interviews.

Later, Rihanna admitted that she “enjoyed being beaten like a crack ho” and that Brown beating her “turned her on.” Rihanna’s love of being smacked around like a dirty bitch became the subject of many of her songs, all of which were marketed to Rihanna’s audience of thirteen year old girls.

Once the couple married in 2014, Rihanna’s bruises and cuts simply became part of the singer’s “look.” Fashion soon followed her lead, with models walking the catwalk sporting broken arms and gouged-out eyes. Young girls also emulated the hot new look, begging their boyfriends to punch them in the face so that they would be the envy of their fashion-conscious schoolmates.

As for Rihanna, the new black eye is simply part of a lifestyle that has given her so much. “Chris’ unquenchable lust for violence has done so much for my image and my family,” said a thankful Rihanna as she massaged her swollen eyelid. Brown raised a ring-covered fist and smiled while adding, “Just wait until we get home and I knock a few teeth out! You ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Romney said that Lin, despite being born and raised in America, should be deported immediately. “People like Lin have different eyes than Americans, and they cannot be trusted,” said Romney. “First they steal our jobs, then they put lead in the paint of toys, and now they’re trying to steal basketball teams,” added Romney to thunderous applause.

“I don’t know why Mr. Romney cannot understand that I’m an American citizen,” said Lin in a prepared statement, adding that he’s “never been to China and am not trying to take over American basketball teams.” Romney said that the statement was just another attempt by “Chinamen” to lull Americans to sleep on this issue.

“Lin needs to go – voluntarily or involuntarily – so that American basketball players can play the American game of basketball on American soil and produce profits for American companies,” said Romney on the campaign trail. He added that, if he wanted, Lin could work in one of Romney’s Chinese sweatshops “any time.”

The large monument, emblazoned with an image of the singer at her thinnest, has finally been revealed to the public in the wake of the singer’s mysterious and shocking death.

The grave and tombstone were completed largely without the singer’s knowledge, since she was usually incoherent “from exhaustion” and “the stress of performing,” said Johnson. “I’s don’ git why God took America’s angel up to heaven like diss,” said Johnson, “but all I know is we gon’ git paid!”

Johnson confirmed rumors that Houston’s will specified that her tombstone would read, “Cracky Cracky Yum Yum,” but that Bobby Brown, the singer’s former crackhead husband, changed the words “because he thought it was funnier.” When asked why “crack” would be featured on the tombstone of a singer who constantly denied being a drug-addict, Johnson brandished a gun and told this reporter to “shut the fuck up, yo.”

Brown and Johnson are planning a cross-country “concert event” with Houston’s body so that fans everywhere can say their final goodbyes “for $300 a ticket,” said Johnson. After that, Houston will be laid to rest in the grave and the date of her death affixed to the nine year-old tombstone.

Whitney Houston, dead much too soon at 48 years old of natural causes.

Many onlookers and speculative bloggers assumed that the singer, as famous for her filthiness as she is for her voice, simply had her period while screaming louder than a honey badger on fire. The singer repeatedly denied this to the scorn and incredulity of the public.

But new exclusive photos reveal that the dark brown fluid was, in fact, not menstrual blood at all. An upskirt pic taken during the performance recently surfaced, revealing that Aguilera was clenching several chicken wings between her thighs. The “blood” running down her legs was actually Caribbean Jerk sauce.

The chunky singer, who has battled weight problems most of her life, quickly issued a response to the leaked photograph. “I am truly embarrassed by this poor decision I made at this solemn event,” said Aguilera. “I saw the wings on the caterer’s table, and I couldn’t resist them,” she said.

When asked why she felt the need to grip chicken wings between her ample thighs during a performance at a funeral in front of millions of people, Aguilera admitted that food “is like sex” for her, and that “holding those dripping wings near my vagina in public was one of the most erotic moments of my life.”

Aguilera has admitted herself into Cedar Sinai hospital in Los Angeles for counseling on the addiction.

While analysts were left confused by Santorum’s shocking win in the Bible belt, exit polls revealed why Santorum won the conservative states – his last name describes a sex position popular among Christian voters.

A "santorum" expert needs a large mouth, a long, skilled tongue, and little or no shame

In Bible belt states, a “santorum” is a sex act that involves a receptive partner placing the testicles of a male partner in their mouth while simultaneously licking the taint and/or anus. It is an act that requires dexterity, skill, and incredible resolve, which is why santorum experts are so highly prized in both states.

Experts believe that voters in both Missouri and Minnesota chose Santorum over the other, more qualified candidates because they recognized his name due to having received and/or performed a santorum in the past. “Voters in Missouri and Minnesota are not particularly intelligent or informed,” said political analyst Marvin Shopman, “and so they simply voted for the word they recognized from their own Christian sex lives.”

When asked about the link between his name and the sex act, Santorum replied, “No shit. I actually changed my name from Peterson to Santorum so that I could get the Bible belt vote.” He added that he had considered changing his name to “Jefferson” so that he could “get the blacks to vote for (him).”

In response to the revelation in Missouri and Minnesota, nominee Mitt Romney has started advertising a new sex act called “The Romney,” which involves walking up to the very poor and anally raping them. Analysts expect big wins for Romney in New York.

“I’m not happy about this at all,” whined Rooney while hunched over his cluttered desk at the CBS studios. “When I get to heaven – which probably sucks – I’m going to tell God exactly what I think about this whole death thing,” added Rooney with his trademark scowl. Rooney added that the worst part of being dead is that “your eyebrow hairs keep growing after everything else stops, and those darn things are getting in my eyes now.”

Doctors are baffled by Rooney’s continued ranting, which should have stopped once his heart and breathing failed and his brain cells died from a lack of oxygen. They have ruled out the proposed theory that Rooney has transformed into some sort of very unhappy zombie, mainly due to the fact that nobody was ever around the unpleasant television personality long enough to bite him. “I’m guessing that Rooney still has so much to complain about that he couldn’t find enough time to just drop dead and stay that way,” said one doctor who wished to remain anonymous for fear that Rooney might mention him in a segment.

Morley Safer, Rooney’s longtime 60 Minutes co-host, was none too thrilled to see Rooney’s re-animated corpse shamble into his office. “When I heard that bitch had died, it felt like I was finally being released from prison,” said Safer. Then, sighing, Safer added, “I guess that old crabass is just too damned angry to rot in hell.”

In the worthless days before Jersey Shore (known on the Julian calendar as B.J.S.), young people were known to be energetic and athletic go-getters who were always on the run. That annoying and pointless quality of youth was thankfully curbed once Jersey Shore premiered. Teenagers who watched the MTV show thrilled to the adventures of Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, J-Woww, and Ronnie as they loafed around every day and made stupid jokes.

Since the new season takes place in Italy, Jeffress promises some “nice antique furniture inlaid with gold” that Ronnie can slouch on while crying all day. He also considered putting in “one of those short Japanese table things that the boys can put their sneakers on when they really need to kick back and relax,” said Jeffress.

Critics have unanimously praised the new show. “There are so many more places to watch the cast sleep and rest,” said television critic Gail Pennington. Renowned critic Mary McNamara called the new season “profoundly satisfying and intriguing,” adding that the new shows ”will probably usher in the next level of evolution in the human species.”

The new season starts tonight.

Despite their disappointment in the verdict, most people have gone on with their lives since the jury reached their decision. They realize that their complaints will never bring Caylee Anthony back, or punish Casey Anthony for the crimes they believe she committed. Additionally, most people have their own lives to worry about, and cannot commit to constant vigilance over a case that had no personal impact.

But that hasn’t stopped Nancy Grace from continuously discussing the concluded case. Grace’s sensationalistic, non-stop coverage has received its share of criticism. “Seriously, find something else to talk about,” said Geraldo Rivera, himself known for whipping up a media frenzy over nothing. He added: “Aren’t there any other dead babies to exploit for ratings?”

Indeed, ratings have plummeted from record highs since the end of the trial, indicating the public’s waning interest in the case. Still, Grace continues to flog the dead child’s memory in order to keep her viewership. When asked about her continued exploitation of the case, Grace simply said, “Tot Mom.” When asked to elaborate, she replied, “Tot Mom Casey Anthony.”

In addition to her continuing coverage of the case, Grace announced that she plans to have a camera inserted into Caylee Anthony’s grave in order to watch her bones deteriorate on live television over the course of a million years. Grace said that the point of all of this is to bring “justice for little Cah-lee,” as well as “Tot Mom Casey Anthony, Tot Mom Casey Anthony, Tot Mom Casey Anthony.”

A distraught Casey Anthony after being found not guilty

ORLANDO – The entire nation sat in stunned disbelief yesterday as a jury in Orlando, Florida found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her little daughter Caylee and dumping her tiny body in a swamp. Now a free woman, Casey Anthony has a verdict for the jury: “You’re a bunch of morons.”

The infamous “Tot Mom” broke her three years of silence after a group of her peers cleared her of any wrongdoing in the disappearance and death of two year old Caylee in 2008. The murder case garnered national attention thanks to the peculiar remorselessness shown by Caylee’s mother Casey Anthony, as well as the litany of lies that she spun to cover over her daughter’s death.

Casey explained that those lies were all part of the plan. “I wanted to be caught and convicted of being a murderer,” said Casey from her Orlando cell, ” and these idiots on the jury foiled my plans.” Casey said that she tried to make up as many stories as possible in order to make the decision quick and easy. “What did they even need to think about?” asked Casey rhetorically.

After drugging and suffocating Caylee to death, Casey says she left the body in the car “for several days” in order to “really get it nice and smelly” so that family and police would suspect her immediately. When that didn’t work, Casey drove down the street and tossed Caylee along the side of the road “so that it would be obvious that I killed her and disposed of her in the most awful way imaginable.”

Casey then put a cherry on top of her conviction. “I lied repeatedly to everyone I met during that time. Every single one of the 1,500 people searching for Caylee got a different story from me so that I would look as guilty as possible,” said Casey, cackling wildly. The various stories and lies prevented police from finding Caylee’s body until months later, which ultimately proved Casey’s undoing. “Since the body was so decomposed, they couldn’t prove how I killed her,” said Casey remorsefully, adding, “I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier.”

The trial, assumed to be a slam-dunk for Casey and the prosecution, turned against Casey in the end. “I couldn’t believe they acquitted me of everything,” said Casey incredulously. Even the charges of child negligence were dropped. “I mean, I was the mother and the child died and I cannot give a reasonable explanation of how – you’d think they would AT LEAST charge me with that!” muttered Casey.

But the world hasn’t heard the last of this notorious child killing machine. “Fuck it – I’ll have another kid and kill it, too – maybe they’ll finally get it right!” said Casey defiantly.

New promotional materials for the show indicate the new direction for the series

Not so, says Lorre in an exclusive interview with Celebrity Freakshow. Instead, Kutcher will be replacing Angus Jones as the “half man” of the show’s title.

For those unfamiliar with the repetitive series, the show involved Sheen’s playboy character Charlie taking in his uptight brother Alan (played by Jon Cryer) and Alan’s young son Jake (Jones) when Alan goes through a divorce. The show was wildly popular despite being a remake of The Odd Couple with a kid. The series got its name as a jokey reference to the fact that Jones, who was only ten when the series began, was only “half of a man” in comparison to his two much-older series co-stars..

With the sudden departure of Sheen, Lorre was faced with a series that was, at best, stuck with a misleading title. “I didn’t know what to do,” said Lorre, “because we had a show that had one man (Cryer) and Angus, who is now nineteen years old and very much a man as well.” Producers kicked around the idea of restarting the series under a new title. “We seriously considered calling it Two Men for a while, but we hated to lose the connection to the old series,” admitted Lorre.

Lorre found his solution in an unlikely place – Twitter. “I was on Twitter stalking Charlie Sheen when I saw some tweets from Ashton Kutcher,” said Lorre, “and I thought, ‘This guy has the mentality of a nine year old … he could be the half man we’ve been looking for!’”

Subsequent meetings with Kutcher confirmed Lorre’s suspicions. “The guy is a stone-cold retard,” said Lorre, laughing. “Years of living with Demi Moore have turned whatever brain material he once had into a thick, unpleasant pudding.” Lorre admitted that he never explained to Kutcher that the series title is now a joke about his masculinity. “Kutcher was an underwear model, for cryin’ out loud. He’s not concerned with his masculinity even if he could spell the word or understand its meaning,” said Lorre, chortling.

For Jones, this is a welcome relief. “I actually have pubic hair and fuck chicks and make millions of dollars, and I’m pretty sick of being called ‘Half Man’ all the time,” said Jones. Added Lorre: “Angus is a man now and not really a ‘Half Man’ anymore, so I’m glad we managed to find someone like Ashton with the mental and physical capabilities to take on that role.”

Like Sheen, Kutcher’s name on the show will be the actor’s actual first name so as to not confuse him further.