God Sends First Horseman After Premiere Of Jersey Shore
NEW JERSEY – Last week’s premiere of MTV’s new reality show, Jersey Shore, sparked outrage and criticism across a broad spectrum of American society. But it seems that the most important critic in the universe, God, is taking his displeasure at the show to a whole new level.
This morning, God announced He was releasing the First Horseman in response to the premiere of the MTV hit show.
God, through resurrected spokesman Elijah, said that He “is so fucking pissed off” about the show, which he deemed “unacceptable.” He added: “I wish I had thought to put another Commandment in there about not making shit like this.” God mentioned that he instructed the Horseman to ride swiftly against all guidos and guidettes, or anyone attempting to look and act like them.
When asked outside a club about his opinion regarding God’s threats against humanity, series star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino promised that he would use his rock-hard abs to repel any attacks by God or his henchmen. “Have you seen my abs?” asked Sorrentino, lifting his shirt. “I don’t think humanity has anything to worry about with these fucking hot-ass abs around.”
But God wants it made clear that He is not joking about the coming Jersey Shore-related Apocalypse. “I swear to fucking Me that if you people keep this show on the air, I’ll send every Horseman I’ve got until the planet is nothing but a burned-out cinder floating in space,” said the Supreme Being. He added: “I’ve put up with genocide, world wars, pestilence, greed, and George Bush, but even I have a limit to the shit I’ll take before I lose it.”
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