HOLLYWOOD – For John Cusack, it was a page right out of some terrible science fiction script he would have rejected until recently. “I woke up, and they were gone,” said an incredulous Cusack. “Simply gone.”

He is referring to the mysterious disappearance of his testicles one morning in 2000. “I had just finished a press junket for High Fidelity,” said Cusack, “and I was lying in bed thinking about bills. I kept muttering to myself that it might be time to consider higher-profile projects. Then I fell asleep, and when I woke up, my balls were completely gone.” Doctors were baffled by the strange disappearance of Cusack’s testicles. “For a while, the only sack I had was the one in my name,” said Cusack, who added that he’s finally able to laugh about it now.

The lack of male genitalia coincided with an alarming series of career choices that left fans and critics stunned. Debra Johnson, co-founder of the John Cusack Appreciation Society, was one such bewildered fan. “We’re talking about one of the most eclectic and versatile actors of the eighties and nineties,” said Johnson via email, “and here he was doing films like Runaway Jury and Must Love Dogs. Even Matthew McConaughey wouldn’t touch that (expletive). I would actually vomit green puke and then put raisins in it and try to remember John in good times when he did films with integrity, like Better Off Dead.”

Like many others, Johnson was relieved to discover the secret cause of Cusack’s sudden career swing. “When I found out he didn’t have a ballsack, I was so happy,” said Johnson. “I thought maybe he was simply losing his mind doing worthless, money-grubbing films like this.” Cusack couldn’t agree more. “I would wake up sweating at night, wondering why I was doing film after film with the same immobile expression of despair on my face. I kept wondering why I couldn’t say no to the endless romantic comedies and sappy dramas that I was being offered. When I found out it was because I didn’t have any balls, I was so relieved.”

The final straw was his recent appearance in Roland Emmerich’s disaster epic 2012. Recalled the actor: “I was running around on a greenscreen set, pretending to outrun a giant crack that’s chasing me. Roland is screaming something unintelligible at me – I later found out he was reciting the script – and I began to have a panic attack. I thought, ‘Why am I doing this miserable, painfully stupid film?’ I mean, I did Grosse Point Blanke, and now I’m pretending to outrun supervolcanoes. I felt worthless.”

The radical surgery took place at Cedar Sinai, where doctors reattached testicles to Cusack’s shapeless groin. However, doctor’s cautioned that the recovery process might take some time. “I still have urges to do a film with kids co-starring Sandra Bullock,” said Cusack, smiling, “so I’m not out of the woods yet. But I’m starting to feel like a man at last.”

Related Posts

• Roland Emmerich To Make Low Budget Romantic Comedy