Justin Bieber: Operative For Child Porn Ring?

Police in Stratford, Ontario, Canada made a startling discovery while searching the residence of suspected child porn ringleader Darius Jackson on Tuesday. Pictures and documents seized from the property reveal that pop star Justin Bieber works for the child porn ring as a recruitment operative.

The mop-haired teenager, who has entranced millions of young girls and older men with his asexual good looks and croaking voice, is really a sinister agent of a child porn ring that has been attempting to make inroads in the United States for several years. The ring, known only as Boy Cream, has, according to documents, spent millions of dollars promoting Bieber in order to lure young girls for their child pornography farms deep in the hills of upper Canada. The revelation comes in the wake of several disappearances at Bieber concerts, all of which went unsolved until now.

In a communique released online, Boy Cream member “Jacques Strap” said that the harvesting of Bieber fans for the child pornography farms wil go on despite police harrassment. “You cannot stop Bieber fever. Kids will continue to love our fresh faced operative and come to his concerts, at which point we will abduct them and force them to perform lewd sexual acts on middle aged men while starving and on drugs,” warned the mysterious email.

For MTV’s Kurt Loder, the announcement was hardly shocking. “You listen to the kid sing, and it’s obvious that he doesn’t have a singing voice of any kind,” said Loder. “He sounds like laryngitic toad drowing in oatmeal.” Loder said he had his suspicions about Bieber from the beginning. “The first time I saw the kid, he was too pretty,” said Loder. “When my dick moved, I knew I was either a pervert or that Justin was a child porn ring operative.” Added Loder, smiling: “I’m relieved it was the latter!”

Management for Bieber denied any involvement in the child pornography ring. At a press conference, Bieber manager Scott Braun assured reporters and fans that Justin Bieber is just a regular teenaged boy. “Despite his shapeless face and squeaky voice, I assure you that Justin is just a sweet young male who loves to give to the community and his fans,” said Braun. He added: “Parents around the world should feel free to bring their beloved children to every Bieber concert, especially if they are blond girls between the ages of 10 and 13 that have pouty lips and no resistance to crack cocaine.”

Stratford police chief Harrison told reporters that the ring has dispersed due to the investigation, but that all leads will be followed in an attempt to apprehend the pornographers. Police advise any parents of young children to keep them away from any Bieber-related paraphernalia, and especially keep them from going to any concerts until further notice.