Kate Gosselin Abandons Kids!

For five years, Kate Gosselin ruled as television’s most glamorous and caregiving mother as the star of the hit reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8. But since the show came to an end last week, Kate has had difficulty leaving that star status behind.

In a move that has shocked the entertainment world, Gosselin abandoned her eight children in a grocery store this morning after seeing a news camera crew doing a puff piece on the street corner. She followed them for several miles back to the studio, where she then spent several hours attempting to wedge herself in front of the camera lens.

When reminded that her children were stranded alone at the store, Kate said: “Who cares about them anymore? They are too young to operate video equipment and film me.” The police were called, and Kate was taken to jail for child endangerment.

Before her arrest, Kate managed to set up several press conferences regarding this latest chapter in the Gosselin saga that has the nation spellbound. In regards to the welfare of the children, Kate said that she’s “tired of the whining and neediness of children.” She also mentioned how difficult it was for her to keep up with a hectic schedule of daytime talk show appearances when she had “these burdens in my life,” adding that “something had to give. And that happens to be those (expletive) kids.”

Aside from the constant care they required, Kate mentioned that the children never noticed the work she did around them. “I would change my hairstyle every day,” said Gosselin, “and they never noticed it. I miss the days when I would color my hair or alter my bangs and it would be front-page news all over the world.” Added Gosselin: “If my kids can’t give me the kind of attention the whole world gives me, then who needs them?”

Police could not confirm whether or not the children will be returned to their mother, but it seems unlikely in light of the remarks Kate made at the press conference when she said, “If they force those kids on me, I will videotape me eating them alive.” When asked why, Kate only said one word: “Press.”

When asked for a comment on this latest shocking development, Jon Gosselin removed his face from the vagina of a nameless sixteen year old and said, “What kids?”