LOST Writers Lost

Once considered one of the brightest and most promising spots on television, LOST has possibly lost its way.

Says creator and head writer J.J. Abrams: “We’re fucked.”

The show, which chronicles the survivors of a horrendous plane crash as they discover the mysteries of their unwelcoming island home, was the darling of television’s highest honors when it debuted in 2004. With its daring combination of top-notch talent and a startling premise, the show took off in the ratings and swept the Emmys for several years.

But then the trouble began.

Abrams freely admits that the entire show was nothing more than a lark, initiated from a bet he made with X-FILES creator Chris Carter. “Chris (Carter) bet me that I couldn’t make a television series more bewildering and nonsensical than the one he created with X-FILES,” said Abrams, who has a long list of pointless credits to his name already. “So I took that bet.”

But Abrams now feels that tackling this assignment was a terrible mistake. “In the last few years, the fans have been hounding me constantly about the meanings of various events and characters on the show. Some of these fans and their questions actually terrify me in primal ways.”

Fans of the show have been complaining loudly that the series seems to be making careless mistakes with the timeline, and they often cite several inconsistencies in the character arcs. However, most fans of the show believe that the series has a definite end that will tie everything together. As longtime fan and LOST message board troll Chris Daniel said recently, “the show will make sense by the time it’s all said and done.”

Not true, says Abrams. “We don’t have a single fucking clue how this is supposed to end. We’re basically pulling it all out of our asses from show to show,” said Abrams. Added longtime series writer Damon Lindelof: “I basically just write down dreams I’ve had the night before, and hope it makes sense. Sometimes I write the scripts by throwing paint at a canvas until it forms word-like pictures.”

Series star Matthew Fox admits that he long ago stopped caring about the words coming out of his mouth. “I just try to keep breathing, which is really the only consistent character trait Jack Shephard (his character on the show) has exhibited,” said the actor recently. “I really just want it to end so I can go onto something with some sort of actual meaning.”

But for series fans, the hope still endures that their long wait will result in a transforming resolution. “I just know that this series will end with the most amazing climax ever seen on television,” said Daniel in a recent online message. “It will forever change life on Earth.”

When this remark was brought to Abrams’ attention, he shook his head, laughed, and simply replied: “What a poor pathetic bunch of lifeless dumbasses.”