Mick Jagger Named Most Inactive Living Human
A new census designed to track human accomplishments has revealed that Mick Jagger, lead singer of the Rolling Stones, is currently the world’s most inactive human being.
The survey, which spanned every country on Earth, examined human accomplishments using a detailed series of questions about lifestyle. Jagger scored the lowest possible rating based on what he does day-to day.
The singer, who hasn’t released a song of any kind in almost two decades, revealed that he mostly “hangs around the house,” occasionally stopping to “pout his lips in front of a mirror for old time’s sake.” Jagger also said that he sometimes turns his eyes slightly to the left in order to “look out a window and watch a bird or something.” In the additional comments section, Jagger revealed that he has little interest in doing anything at all “except breathing and blinking.”
This put Jagger at the top of the most inactive list, just ahead of Betsy Budger of Maryland, a 700 pound shut-in whose habit of changing the television channel herself made her slightly more active than Jagger. In a statement, Budger said that it makes her feel better to know that she can still be more productive than Mick Jagger “despite being an enormous fatass.” The survey also showed that even impoverished people in third world countries were more productive then Jagger simply by swatting at flies on their faces.
A spokesperson for Jagger was quick to respond, reminding everyone that the Rolling Stones singer had many productive years as one of the most recognizable celebrities in the world. The spokesman also added that Jagger has earned the right to sit around and do nothing at all for the rest of his life.
Jagger himself could not be bothered to comment on this article.
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