Movie Blogger Olympics: Winners And Losers

The first annual Movie Blogger Olympics were held this week at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, Texas. Sponsored by the prestigious Online Film Critics Society, or, more cleverly, the O.F.C.S., the contest proved to be a who’s who of movie blogging’s biggest and brightest stars.

Movie bloggers from across the blogosphere competed in multiple events, each vying for the kind of riches and fame that even a career in movie blogging cannot attain. Here is a breakdown of the event by competition:

Misplaced Movie Enthusiasm- Several movie bloggers competed in this controversial event, in which bloggers were asked to create a response to a film that was inversely proportionate to the film being viewed. The film shown was GHOST RIDER, which was introduced by star Nicholas Cage. The third runner-up in the competition, a yellow Labrador named Charlie, dropped his soggy tennis ball, marked the movie screen by urinating on it, and then rolled on his back, exposing his extended red penis. The second runner up, Ben Lyons, formerly of At The Movies, took 134 photographs with an exhausted Cage before offering to rim the entire cast and crew of the film on camera. The first runner-up, Alex Billington of FirstShowing, spontaneously ejaculated during the opening credits, followed by non-stop cheering at the film, which culminated in cardiac arrest near the end of the final battle. Once revived, Alex declared that the film was so much fun that he wanted to see it in a continuous loop forever.

The eventual winner of the event, Harry Knowles of Aint It Cool News, howled throughout most of the film while bouncing joyously in his wheelchair. He screamed out the word “Yoko!” several times at random moments. Afterwards, Harry wrote that “the film was more enjoyable than a demonic goat fucking a Chinese kid’s ass in a Skittles rainstorm!!!!” The judges gave him extra points for his overuse of exclamation points.

CGI Resistance - For this, contestants were strapped to a chair and monitored for blood pressure, heart rate, and genital stimulation while a series of CGI shots were shown onscreen.  The blogger to survive the CGI onslaught was declared the winner.

Several bloggers gave out during this demanding test. John Campea of The Movie Blog and a cross-eyed Billington both passed out during a series of blurry, incomprehensible CGI shots from the TRANSFORMERS series, which the judges felt was the easiest part of the competition. Billington in particular upset the judges when he blurted out, “this is the greatest technological achievement in film history” before being disqualified permanently.

The second runner up in the event was David Carr, who fell asleep during a JURASSIC PARK highlight reel; his snores of carelessness secured the bronze. First runner up was Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere, who complained loudly out throughout the E.T. reel about E.T.’s excessive weight and lack of appropriate male footwear. The winner, by a landslide, was Rex Reed of The New York Observer. His heart rate never wavered, and his genitalia never registered on the equipment, even during the climactic STAR WARS SPECIAL EDITION footage. Afterwards, Reed secured his victory by waving a lace handkerchief at the judges and declaring the entire episode “a lot of nonsensical poppycock.”

Most Contrarian - In this competition, movie critics were asked to watch films with a generally strong consensus, and then contradict that consensus with a contrarian view.  Expectations for this event were high, as all contestants are keenly aware of what a contrary viewpoint does to website hits.

The second runner-up was David Poland of The Hot Blog, who whined about the excessive use of black and white photography and jarring use of sound in CITIZEN KANE. The first runner up was Devin Faraci of CHUD, who disagreed with every answer in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE while stroking his unpopular beard. The winner of the event was Armond White of New York Press, who argued vehemently against the judges for ten minutes when they simply stated, “Armond White is alive and a male human.”

Nastiest Reviewer – Nick Nunziata of CHUD won this handily by using the word “cunt” nine times in three sentences while reviewing MARY POPPINS.

In all, the event was a resounding success. Event organizers are already planning next year’s competition. They say that they intend to include more events, including:

Best Blowjob (Celebrity/Director/Writer/CGI Artist) – in which contestants are asked to give oral sex to a famous industry insider.

James Cameron Whack-A-Thon – in which contestants are asked to ejaculate onto a poster of James Cameron on the set of ALIENS, the winner determined by amount of semen in ounces.

Tarantino Pudding Lick – a fun event in which contestants are asked to eat excrement from the anus of Quentin Tarantino.

Tuck And Run – Contestants must tuck their penises between their legs like Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and then chase after a UPS driver carrying studio gifts.

Kevin Smith Laugh-A-Thon – Contestants are forced to watch the funniest bits of Kevin Smith’s career; the last one still managing to laugh wins.

The O.F.C.S. promises next year’s Olympics will be the best yet. Tickets are already on sale at their website.