Although popular opinion says that suicide is never the answer, one famed movie critic feels it’s the only answer to the rampant stupidity surrounding him.

Blogger Jeffrey Wells, who writes a daily column about movies and other random factoids called Hollywood Elsewhere, has climbed to the top of a local L.A. Gear sneaker shop on Rodeo to protest the general stupidity and lack of fashion sense among the American populace.

Wells has complained about many of the less important aspects of society before, often citing exposed men’s feet and pudginess as reasons to hate humanity. These posts often overtook Wells’ column, which at one time was intended to focus on film.

Several readers have in recent weeks been alarmed at the militant tone of Wells’ posts, most of whom were banned at any mention of concern about the tone of the articles. “I used to read Hollywood Elsewhere for the insightful comments about the movie business,” said frequent poster D.Z., an unworthy recipient of Wells’ fickle ban. “But anymore, the site has become a pissing ground for Wells’ ideas about weight gain, intelligence, and hygiene.” D.Z. then provided several links to prove his position, all of which pointed to random YouTube videos.

Wells, who was once considered the sanest man in the movie business, has recently made a mission out of bragging about his intellectual and physical superiority. Among the evidence Wells supplies for this includes pictures of his own footwear, which show unequivocally that Wells has a keen fashion sense derived from closely studying BACK TO THE FUTURE II.  

In an interview conducted with Wells from his rooftop perch via his ever-present laptop, Wells defended his suicide threat. “When I plummet from this parapet, I will free my mind from the intellectual prison of this inferior race of creatures,” stated Wells eloquently. “I can no longer share this planet with all of these Jabbas, Truckstop Tommys, and Tammy Telehoosiers.” The interview was cut short by a freakish six hour interference with Wells’ $60 a month Aircard, the laborious details of which were shared in seven consecutive posts on his website.

When asked what finally sent him to this grim decision, Wells cited the recent spate of “detestable” summer blockbusters. And fat people. And men who wear open-toed sandals. And low thread count tee-shirts on anyone making over $100,000 a year. And uncooperative hotel managers. And everyone else who has not somehow met the rigorous standards Wells sets for everyone besides himself.

The final jump to his death has been scheduled to happen when G.I. JOE reaches $100 million in domestic earnings, which should happen next week. Wells will be joined in his death jump by his son Jett, who apparently long ago renounced friendship, love, and personal accomplishments in a lifetime quest to constantly accompany his father.

The two will be buried under Peter Jackson’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

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