In perilous times, even the slightest provocation can send the world spiralling into oblivion. History shows that seemingly insignificant events – the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, for instance – can lead to terrifying results on the world stage.

And so it is today on the eve of the premiere of G.I. JOE, the new action/adventure film starring Channing Tatum and a Wayans brother.  The film, roundly derided by almost every major film critic in this sector of the Milky Way galaxy, has apparently touched off an international shoving match between America and the rest of the world.

Emboldened by the mindless action of the latest CGI summer blockbuster, Al Qaeda released a videotape declaring a coming invasion of America by jihadist schoolchildren. Osama bin Laden is shown in a cave laughing at America, calling her “a pigpen full of morons who will watch anything.”

Even more disturbing is the message sent via shortwave radio by the highly unstable leader of North Lorea, Kim Jong Il. In his message, broadcast to the people scattered within 500 feet of his country’s most powerful media center, Jong Il announced that America was now a provincial territory of North Korea. He laughed at the collective intelligence of the United States, saying that “any country whose citizens produce and watch garbage like G.I. JOE must be catatonic sheep begging for a new master.”

However, the gravest threat yet came this morning from Russian leader Vladimir Putin. In a televised address to his nation, he vowed to send every nuclear missile in his arsenal over to America in a bid to rid the world of G.I. JOE and other mindless American nonsense. In addition to G.I. JOE, Putin cited other recent examples like TRANSFORMERS : REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, as well as anything made by Tyler Perry. “The world would now be better off if the United States was conquered or destroyed. We must save the minds of our children and the legacy of human culture on this planet.”

Several leading psychologists have been warning of the effects on audiences of movies like G.I. JOE, which contain non-stop CGI effects, little or no plotting, ridiculously atrocious acting, and haphazard editing. Many have noted how audiences just tend to sit and stare at the screen, their mouths hanging open in sheer spectacle overload, rather than have their brains engaged in any sort of thinking process.

This psychological damage has been reflected in the exit polls for many recent summer blockbusters. One polling firm reported that the top answer from a preview audience at TRANSFORMERS 2 was “huh?” (see chart). A screening of G.I. JOE in Austin led to five people spontaneously defacating on themselves, and it was reported that twelve more people were found wandering in the lobby afterwards, unable to find an exit.

But nobody could have foreseen the grave consequences of films like G.I. JOE on the international stage. The mounting threats on American security because of these films have led several conservative leaders to condemn Hollywood for destroying the mental abilities of Americans to such a large degree. Rush Limbaugh spoke on his radio show about the “evils of all media besides (his) program,” adding that, even though G.I. JOE has a strong pro-American military message, “the film is made by liberal pussies who need to be eradicated before we all are.”

Meanwhile, President Obama took time out from his busy schedule of sampling local eateries in front of journalists to address the issue. When asked what the White House plans to do about the rise in Communist threats against America because of these films, Obama wiped the ketchup from his lips and said, “Good. Let ‘em come. It’ll just make my job that much easier.”

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