Obama Appoints Justin Bieber Secretary Of Treasury!

Obama said Bieber "represented the kind of change we needed from the change we got two years ago."

WASHINGTON – In a controversial move, President Obama today removed Timothy Geithner from his post as Secretary of Treasury and replaced him with pop superstar Justin Bieber.

According to sources close to the President, the move follows a series of disastrous news reports chronicling both the fading economy and the President’s own falling approval ratings. In a statement, President Obama cited Geithner’s “unwillingness to give me more money” as the primary reason for his ouster.

In choosing Bieber, Obama cited his ability to “secure vast, unstoppable fountains of money with his looks and marginal singing talents,” which Obama promised would be used “for the good of lazy black people everywhere.” Additionally, the President also mentioned Bieber’s appeal to younger generations, which the President desperately needs as he approaches the 2012 elections. “I’ve lost most of my fans because of the last two years of financial irresponsibility on my part, and so it’s time to win new fans who know nothing about mismanaging government,” said the President. He also said that, at the very least, the move will gain him some new friends on Facebook.

Bieber seems eager to get to work. “Man, it’s like, you know, cool and stuff,” said Bieber to a packed media room at the White House. He reassured the nation that he would right the economic woes that have nearly crippled the country. “Listen, girl, you know, it’s like, tough and stuff, but together, I know we can make it, like, through,” said Bieber. The pint-sized pop star promised to get to work just as soon as his self-penned, Pulitzer-winning book hits stores this fall.

When asked why he chose Bieber, who is a 16 year old boy with no apparent intelligence, the President began screaming, “Because somebody has to do something, goddammit! Oh please, God, help me! Somebody do something!!”

In possibly related news, U.S. suicides reached a one-day high.