Record Store Owners Resort To Cannibalism
What was, at one time, the temple of every music fan – the record store – has now become a house of horrors. A new survey out this week reveals that more and more record store owners are eating people to stay alive.
For Sam Goody owner Marty Pinkle, the decision is simple. “When you haven’t been able to afford to eat in months, that pimply-faced lardass that comes in to trade in an album suddenly looks appetizing,” said Pinkle over a plate of indistiguishable BBQ. He adds: “It wasn’t easy to do at first, but now I actually look forward to eating some of these pirating sons of bitches.”
Cannibalism is only the latest in a series of downward trends for the music business, which has suffered sharp declines in recent years due to internet piracy and the career of Britney Spears. Experts credit decent human kindness as the only reason why cannibalism did not occur even sooner among the nation’s 10,000 record outlets.
Human rights organizations have begun demonstrating against record store cannibalism, citing the fact that record store owners could simply close their empty stores and go into other lines of work. But for owners like Pinkle, the answer is not quite that simple. “Sure I could close up shop, but that would simply be giving in to a crime like piracy,” said Pinkle, “and besides, music-lover meat just falls off the bone.”
Pinkle says that the tastiest music lovers are generally fans of Disney pop music. “Fans of performers like The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are typically plump suburbanite girls with young, tender shanks of meat,” said Pinkle. His least favorite music fan? Thrash metal fans. “They are usually covered in grease and acne, and they are generally undernourished, which gives them a gamey, tough texture.”
As for what the future holds, Pinkle thinks this continued downturn in the music industry will probably only have even more dire consequences. “If people think it’s bad now, just wait until we start needing sex because our wives divorced us,” said Pinkle. “Then it’ll really start getting ugly.”
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