Richard Heene Sets Son On Fire
Richard Heene, former amateur weather fanatic and reality show whore, lit his youngest son Falcon on fire today at a hastily called press conference. The boy is listed in critical condition at a local hospital.
When questioned about this latest bizarre stunt, Heene replied that he bears no responsibility for the incident at all. “What is the average person supposed to do to get on television these days? They make it so hard to remain famous, that I’m forced to these horrible extremes to maintain my status as a popular icon.”
Falcon Heene came to the public’s attention in October of 2009 when he was believed to have been swept up inside an unmanned weather balloon. A massive rescue operation ensued, which eventually revealed that Richard Heene had hidden the child in the rafters of the garage and then lied to authorities. Heene then admitted that he rigged the entire event as “a way to get more attention for a series I want to produce.”
But this latest stunt has everyone baffled. Noted pop psychologist Rick Ross stated that Heene “must have the attention span of a gnat and the mind of a lobotomized billy goat with detached parent syndrome.” Added Ross: “I think he is one of the most dangerously unstable beings on the planet.”
Public outrage has apparently reached a new level of anger, as every tabloid featuring Heene’s leathery face sold out within minutes. Ross strongly cautioned the public to refrain from buying these magazines, as the attention only spurs Heene to perform even more extreme stunts for attention. “If he (Heene) had a nuclear weapon, I do believe he would use it to gain ratings,” said Ross.
This seems to supported by comments Heene made in a press conference outside the police station. When asked how he felt as his son was struggling for life in intensive care, Heene simply smiled and said, “Just wait until season two when I shove explosives into my Chinese wife’s ass and send her into Macy’s on the day after Thanksgiving! That’ll be one very special episode you won’t want to miss!”
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