Sex Move Helps Rick Santorum Win Missouri and Minnesota

MISSOURI – Political pundits were stunned by last night’s shocking win for Rick Santorum in the Missouri and Minnesota caucuses. The victories followed a series of humiliating defeats on the east coast that left Santorum’s campaign struggling to stay afloat in the seemingly-endless Republican primaries.

While analysts were left confused by Santorum’s shocking win in the Bible belt, exit polls revealed why Santorum won the conservative states – his last name describes a sex position popular among Christian voters.

A "santorum" expert needs a large mouth, a long, skilled tongue, and little or no shame

In Bible belt states, a “santorum” is a sex act that involves a receptive partner placing the testicles of a male partner in their mouth while simultaneously licking the taint and/or anus. It is an act that requires dexterity, skill, and incredible resolve, which is why santorum experts are so highly prized in both states.

Experts believe that voters in both Missouri and Minnesota chose Santorum over the other, more qualified candidates because they recognized his name due to having received and/or performed a santorum in the past. “Voters in Missouri and Minnesota are not particularly intelligent or informed,” said political analyst Marvin Shopman, “and so they simply voted for the word they recognized from their own Christian sex lives.”

When asked about the link between his name and the sex act, Santorum replied, “No shit. I actually changed my name from Peterson to Santorum so that I could get the Bible belt vote.” He added that he had considered changing his name to “Jefferson” so that he could “get the blacks to vote for (him).”

In response to the revelation in Missouri and Minnesota, nominee Mitt Romney has started advertising a new sex act called “The Romney,” which involves walking up to the very poor and anally raping them. Analysts expect big wins for Romney in New York.