Slipknot Death Proves Death Metal Band Bad For Health
The recent death of Slipknot bassist Paul Gray left the band’s legion of fans stunned and saddened. However, researchers at Brigham Young University say that Gray’s death confirms what their own studies have shown: death metal bands are bad for health.
Paul Evans, who led the ten year Federally-funded study, revealed that being a member of a death metal band typically tends to shorten life spans. “People who make and perform this type of music generally hate living, and so it is not surprising that many of these performers die unnaturally young,” said Evans. He cited the overwhelming number of death metal band members who die of suicide, drug overdoses, and from being too stupid to remember to breathe.
Evans also pointed out that the risk is only slightly lower for death metal band fans, who show an alarming propensity to pummel each other in mosh pits, and often die of snapped necks while rocking out to their favorite band’s excessively-loud songs about murder and Satan. He also added that many death metal performers and fans die due to never leaving the house without being covered in black, which often leads to a severe vitamin D deficiency and death.
Alarmed by Gray’s death, President Obama vowed to introduce legislation that would make death metal music illegal across the country. In a statement, Obama said that death metal “represents one of the greatest threats to our nation’s security and unity.” He added that he would not be deterred from this course “unless the people change their minds about it.”
Slipknot publicist Bambi “Bloody Cunt” Johnson said that Gray’s corpse would be propped up at every Slipknot concert in order to rot in front of the fans. When asked why the band woulddo something like that, Johnson said that displaying Gray’s decomposing corpse would be “fucking righteous, dude.”
Slipknot isn’t a death metal band dumbnuts
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