HOLLYWOOD – Anyone tired of seeing the gloating, ever-smiling faces of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag will apparently need to get used to the terrible twosome. In their newest book, How To Be Famous, the couple reveals their secret for their longevity in the cutthroat entertainment capital. In addition to their media-baiting tactics, the couple also sacrifices a goat once a month to Baal, an ancient sex-god believed to bring good fortune.
“Being a devout Christian and animal lover, I was uncomfortable with sacrificing any animal to a foreign god or goddess,” said Montag at a recent book signing. “But after Spencer slit the throat of that first goat and the money started rolling in, I knew in my heart that what I was doing was right.”
For Pratt, the moral implications never crossed his mind. “Fuck God, fuck animal rights, and fuck everything else. Fame is all I want,” said Pratt. “I’d light my own mother on fire and fuck her in the ass as she burns to death if it meant getting any kind of attention.” Fortunately Pratt has yet to need such extreme measures. “Thanks to sacrificing a goat to Baal, my mother can remain alive,” said Pratt without a smile.
For Lance Carter, head psychologist at the Motion Picture Association Center For The Criminally Insane, the methods used by Montag and Pratt are signs of seriously deranged minds. “I’m not sure if they were breastfed long enough, or never held, or what it might be,” said Carter, “but it’s clear that they have a pathological need for attention that resembles an abandoned baby in emotional distress.”
Pratt and Montag scoff at such assertions. “We simply need to be famous, and killing a goat is one of the methods we use to achieve that,” said Montag. Added Pratt: “It’s not like we have an education or any intelligence to rely on.” Then, smiling, Pratt added that “I’m too good looking to work at Taco Bell.”
With the revelation of their fame technique, PETA and other animal rights organizations fear a rash of copycat attempts. The controversy has caused demonstrations wherever the couple are scheduled to appear. But for Pratt, this is just part of the master’s plan. “Our Lord Baal continues to bless us with publicity and media attention, so them ‘em demonstrate,” said Pratt, “and we’ll keep getting on talk shows and Perez Hilton. We will never go away.”
Baal had no comment for this story.
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