George Steinbrenner, the maniacal multimillionaire who ran the Yankees tirelessly to seven championships, died of a massive heart attack. According to doctors in New York, a fatal heart attack was the only reasonable end to the life of a man that spent his time on Earth screaming at “the little people.” He was 80.
Like most wealthy Americans, Steinbrenner was born into money. He then took that enormous wealth and squandered it on the Yankees over the years. Despite having won 11 championships and seven World Series titles, Steinbrenner demonstrated that he had as much baseball knowledge as a wet rag in the corner of the shower room in the home clubhouse at Wrigley Field. Thanks to Steinbrenner’s blind and idiotic free agent spending sprees, most other teams in Major League Baseball quickly folded under the pressure of keeping up with the Yankees, thus ruining America’s Pasttime.
A spokesperson for the Yankees said that they are already searching the free agent market for a replacement for the departed leader. Qualities they are said to be looking for are a capacity to scream over the combined noise pollution of New York City, turn red in the face in under five seconds, sign blank checks blindfolded, and be unable to recognize a baseball in a bucket of baseballs. The Yankees said their minimum offer would start at $104 million a year on a twenty year contract.
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