The former Poison singer’s terrible misfortune stunned the music world. Seeing Michaels, a celebrity with a jovial, larger-then-life personality, suddenly struck down has left his fans in utter shock. ”I left my part-time job as a stripper as soon as I heard the news,” said Brandi Templeton as she waited in the hospital lobby for updates. “Bret Michaels is my dream man, and I won’t leave his side until he has recovered and returned to a life of banging waitresses and starring in reality shows.”

But today’s discovery of a possible cause of the aneurysm left many doctors baffled. The aneurysm was apparently caused by the new Poison album that Michaels was secretly working on at the time it struck. “Our current hypothesis is that Mr. Michaels’ body, upon hearing the new Poison tracks, decided to kill itself in an effort to stop the production of the album,” said Doctor Franklin Harvester, a brain surgeon at Cedar Sinai hospital. When asked if this was a likely explanation, Dr. Harvester added, seriously: “Have you heard the new songs?”

For Professor Earnest Growling, such occurrences are more common than anyone realizes. “In my mind, natural selection is one of the leading causes of death in the world,” said Growling. “At some point, evolution decides that certain developments are unacceptable for the improvement of the human species, and it takes steps to eliminate those developments.” When asked if Michaels’ aneurysm might be a case of natural selection, Growling agreed completely. “It is obvious that natural selection, upon hearing this new Poison album, decided that the best course of action would be to eliminate Michaels from the food chain.” Growling added: “I mean, have you heard the new songs?”

Distraught Poison sluts pose outside the hospital where Bret Michaels clings to life.

But this scientific explanation does little to soothe the unquenchable heartache felt by Michaels’ fans. It is obvious that many of these distraught fans feel like Templeton, who said, through tears, that she hopes Michaels recovers quickly and gets back to doing what he does best. “Ever since I was a little girl, I imagined that Bret would wander into the bar I work at and take me into a broom closet and ass fuck me,” she said, proudly. “He can’t die. I’m not ready to give up on my dream just yet.”

And like his Christmas album, the new album will feature corporate tie-in sponsorship. This time, Dylan has partnered with floundering financial giant AIG in a blockbuster deal sure to be the envy of every anti-establishment folk hero.

Although the songs have been a closely guarded secret, a Dylan spokesman confirmed that many of the tracks do actually involve trees. But an industry insider who managed to hear some of the tracks insisted that this album is anything but environmentally-friendly. A track listing that appeared on the internet seems to confirm this, with song titles like The Trees They Are A-Burnin’, Pave The Forests, and Fuck Trees.

When asked about this disturbing change in musical direction, Dylan cryptically responded that “corporate America knows what’s best for us, and right now we need to get rid of trees before they give us another swine flu.”

Many of Dylan’s fans are outraged. Daniel Christopher, head of the Bob Dylan Fantasy League, responded angrily to the latest career move by his beloved folk singer. “Dylan used to be anti-establishment,” said the rotund founder in a telephone interview, “but now the guy is sucking the teet of the beast.”

In response, Dylan issued a statement consisting of his stock portfolio, along with a note that said, in part, “I want to have money so I don’t need to live like Mr. Christopher and all the other insignificant worker drones of society.”

The album will hit stores in the first part of the fiscal year. President Obama has promised a tax credit to everyone purchasing the album within the first week of sales.