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Snooki Pact With Satan Revealed!

Skullebrity — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 16:26:52 +0000

Reasonable human beings with the bare minimum of functional brain cells have wondered why Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of Jersey Shore has become such a celebrity. Critics often complain about her self-absorbed personality, her complete lack of talent, and her seeming inability to communicate at even the most basic levels. In most societies, such abhorrent character traits would justify shunning that person, but instead Snooki has found herself lauded in America.

But new details today shed light on Snooki’s inexplicable rise to the top of the reality show garbage heap. A deal with the Devil, brokered in 2008, led Snooki to be warmly accepted on the meaningless all-Italian reality show.

In the pact, Satan the Devil agreed to provide Snooki with fame and fortune beyond the wildest dreams of anyone with Snooki’s pathetic level of intelligence, talent, and charm. In return, Snooki has agreed to provide her womb as the incubator for the coming Antichrist, as well as a player to be named later.

Snooki is said to be very happy with the terms of her blood contract with Beelzebub, destroyer of worlds. When asked about giving birth to the harbinger of Armageddon, Snooki flipped her greasy, heavily-sprayed weave and said, “Huh? Like, what?”

Satan had no comment other than a ten minute laughing fit.

God Sends First Horseman After Premiere Of Jersey Shore

Skullebrity — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 01:21:00 +0000

NEW JERSEY – Last week’s premiere of MTV’s new reality show, Jersey Shore, sparked outrage and criticism across a broad spectrum of American society. But it seems that the most important critic in the universe, God, is taking his displeasure at the show to a whole new level.

This morning, God announced He was releasing the First Horseman in response to the premiere of the MTV hit show.

God, through resurrected spokesman Elijah, said that He “is so fucking pissed off” about the show, which he deemed “unacceptable.” He added: “I wish I had thought to put another Commandment in there about not making shit like this.” God mentioned that he instructed the Horseman to ride swiftly against all guidos and guidettes, or anyone attempting to look and act like them.

When asked outside a club about his opinion regarding God’s threats against humanity, series star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino promised that he would use his rock-hard abs to repel any attacks by God or his henchmen. “Have you seen my abs?” asked Sorrentino, lifting his shirt. “I don’t think humanity has anything to worry about with these fucking hot-ass abs around.”

But God wants it made clear that He is not joking about the coming Jersey Shore-related Apocalypse. “I swear to fucking Me that if you people keep this show on the air, I’ll send every Horseman I’ve got until the planet is nothing but a burned-out cinder floating in space,” said the Supreme Being. He added: “I’ve put up with genocide, world wars, pestilence, greed, and George Bush, but even I have a limit to the shit I’ll take before I lose it.”

Roland Emmerich To Make Low Budget Romantic Comedy

Skullebrity — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:19:30 +0000

HOLLYWOOD – Director Roland Emmerich has plenty of experience destroying the world repeatedly with disaster classics like Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012. But now the German filmmaker wants to destroy the hearts of moviegoers around the world.

Titled Until The End Of The World, the film will star Gerard Butler and Rachel McAdams as a couple attempting to reconcile their high school romance in the midst of a city collapsing into a sinkhole.

The film represents a radical change for Emmerich. “I’ve been known to only make enormous disaster movies,” said Emmerich in front of one of the smouldering sets for the film, “but I wanted to show that I can scale down my destructive instincts and focus on romance.” The film, budgeted at $125 million dollars, will be the cheapest film Emmerich has ever attempted.

But this is a good thing, insists Emmerich. “Staying on a low budget allows me to be more creative and keep my eye simple,” he said. “On an unlimited budget, I might get carried away and show the whole universe collapsing into a singularity. Since I don’t have the money to do that, I can only destroy smaller municipalities, or maybe even a city.”

All of this is in service to the story. “This is a movie about a romance first, and widespread destruction second,” said Emmerich. He added: “Audiences can expect some of my usual eye candy, but they should expect destruction on a smaller scale. This is a romantic comedy, not a special effects picture.”

In scaling back, Emmerich has set his sights on a lofty goal. “I want this to beat Titanic numbers,” said Emmerich with a smile. “That film combined tremendous destruction with a heart-rending romance. I want to be able to make a film with that much romance … just with more dead bodies.”

The film is set to be released on December 21, 2012.