New computer algorithms created specifically for this album will compile various sounds – everything from electronic beeps, to fax machine tones, to random static – and lace them into computerized pop songs. Then the computer will essentially sing karaoke-style over the backing tracks, imitating the pop singer’s vocal mannerisms. The entire production - from creation to mixing to final mastering – will be completed without any human intervention whatsoever.

For Spears, this new methodology works wonders for her hectic schedule. “I have two kids, ya know,” said the singer while on a recent vacation, “and so it’s difficult for me to get out to strip clubs and snort cocaine all night when I need to be in the studio. This allows me that precious time to be myself and let my hair down … or cut it off entirely.”

The new approach works wonders for Spears’ producers and record company executives. One executive, under anonymity, said that Spears “was increasingly too difficult to control, unlike computers.” He added that having computers create the album instead “allows us to actually have a chance of releasing something that isn’t a complete fucking joke.” When asked how the new tracks compare to some of Spears’ classic hits, he said that “the computer sounds more human than she ever did,” adding with a smile, “that hoosier bitch can’t sing anyway.”

What is remarkable is that the computer, though unaided, managed to create songs that feel like Britney originals. Some of the revealed song titles sound very much like old Britney, including Jam It In My Twat, I’m A Little Girl So Fuck Me Daddy, and Screw. The executive said that this will be the hottest computer album since Laurie Anderson.

For Britney, little has changed. “I was never really that involved in the making of any of my albums anyway,” said Spears. “This is basically the same thing, only I don’t need to try and hit any notes correctly anymore.” But for her fans, Spears has a promise: “This album is the greatest artistic work I’ve ever been involved with.”

For Sam Goody owner Marty Pinkle, the decision is simple. “When you haven’t been able to afford to eat in months, that pimply-faced lardass that comes in to trade in an album suddenly looks appetizing,” said Pinkle over a plate of indistiguishable BBQ. He adds: “It wasn’t easy to do at first, but now I actually look forward to eating some of these pirating sons of bitches.”

Cannibalism is only the latest in a series of downward trends for the music business, which has suffered sharp declines in recent years due to internet piracy and the career of Britney Spears. Experts credit decent human kindness as the only reason why cannibalism did not occur even sooner among the nation’s 10,000 record outlets.

Human rights organizations have begun demonstrating against record store cannibalism, citing the fact that record store owners could simply close their empty stores and go into other lines of work. But for owners like Pinkle, the answer is not quite that simple. “Sure I could close up shop, but that would simply be giving in to a crime like piracy,” said Pinkle, “and besides, music-lover meat just falls off the bone.”

Pinkle says that the tastiest music lovers are generally fans of Disney pop music. “Fans of performers like The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are typically plump suburbanite girls with young, tender shanks of meat,” said Pinkle. His least favorite music fan? Thrash metal fans. “They are usually covered in grease and acne, and they are generally undernourished, which gives them a gamey, tough texture.”

As for what the future holds, Pinkle thinks this continued downturn in the music industry will probably only have even more dire consequences. “If people think it’s bad now, just wait until we start needing sex because our wives divorced us,” said Pinkle. “Then it’ll really start getting ugly.”