New promotional materials for the show indicate the new direction for the series

Not so, says Lorre in an exclusive interview with Celebrity Freakshow. Instead, Kutcher will be replacing Angus Jones as the “half man” of the show’s title.

For those unfamiliar with the repetitive series, the show involved Sheen’s playboy character Charlie taking in his uptight brother Alan (played by Jon Cryer) and Alan’s young son Jake (Jones) when Alan goes through a divorce. The show was wildly popular despite being a remake of The Odd Couple with a kid. The series got its name as a jokey reference to the fact that Jones, who was only ten when the series began, was only “half of a man” in comparison to his two much-older series co-stars..

With the sudden departure of Sheen, Lorre was faced with a series that was, at best, stuck with a misleading title. “I didn’t know what to do,” said Lorre, “because we had a show that had one man (Cryer) and Angus, who is now nineteen years old and very much a man as well.” Producers kicked around the idea of restarting the series under a new title. “We seriously considered calling it Two Men for a while, but we hated to lose the connection to the old series,” admitted Lorre.

Lorre found his solution in an unlikely place – Twitter. “I was on Twitter stalking Charlie Sheen when I saw some tweets from Ashton Kutcher,” said Lorre, “and I thought, ‘This guy has the mentality of a nine year old … he could be the half man we’ve been looking for!’”

Subsequent meetings with Kutcher confirmed Lorre’s suspicions. “The guy is a stone-cold retard,” said Lorre, laughing. “Years of living with Demi Moore have turned whatever brain material he once had into a thick, unpleasant pudding.” Lorre admitted that he never explained to Kutcher that the series title is now a joke about his masculinity. “Kutcher was an underwear model, for cryin’ out loud. He’s not concerned with his masculinity even if he could spell the word or understand its meaning,” said Lorre, chortling.

For Jones, this is a welcome relief. “I actually have pubic hair and fuck chicks and make millions of dollars, and I’m pretty sick of being called ‘Half Man’ all the time,” said Jones. Added Lorre: “Angus is a man now and not really a ‘Half Man’ anymore, so I’m glad we managed to find someone like Ashton with the mental and physical capabilities to take on that role.”

Like Sheen, Kutcher’s name on the show will be the actor’s actual first name so as to not confuse him further.

Doctors were baffled by the symptoms exhibited by Sheen, which included a persistent nosebleed, profuse sweating, nervousness, shaking limbs, and inflamed sores all over his genitalia and mouth. Hospital spokesperson Holly Mortenstein said that the odd set of ailments “were not consistent with any known viral or bacterial agents.” She added that the infection “might be the start of a new plague that will threaten mankind.”

Charlie Sheen being resuscitated by an emergency handjob. The white powder under his nose has nothing to do with cocaine, say doctors.

Several gossip sites have forwarded the hypothesis that Sheen is, in fact, a raving cocaine fiend and hopelessly addicted to having raunchy sex with diseased prostitutes. Mortenstein refuted such allegations, citing contradictory evidence such as the fact that Sheen “is a famous star” who “has millions of dollars in the bank with which he could afford to have such slanderers killed.” Added Mortensen: “We see no evidence that Mr. Sheen is suffering from an addiction to cocaine or whores. He’s too rich and famous for that.”

Fan Abbey Johnson, though, has only the hope that Sheen recovers from his illness. “Charlie is too rich and famous for something so unfair to happen to him,” she said, adding that she’s “relieved that the doctors have determined that it isn’t related to drugs or prostitution, because that’s just not the actor I know and love.”

The two year study looked at possible ways to prevent infection by Amy Winehouse, as well as ways to supress the viral load of those already infected. Several test subjects died during the study, most of whom died of a curious, depressive malaise.

Dr. Stephen Crusher, who led the study, had bad news for a populace eager for some sign of hope that the dreadful Amy Winehouse contagion could be contained. Crusher urged residents to wash often and stay indoors as much as possible. This is especially true of those most at risk for contracting Amy Winehouse, such as the homeless in Lower Manhattan and the greater New York area where Amy Winehouse is known to proliferate.

Prior to budding into a supervirus, Amy Winehouse was a Grammy award winning singer and songwriter. However, her latent phase ended abruptly two years ago, and she began to spread viral particles across the United States. Scientists noted the contagious nature of the infection, which was spread from various leaking orifices located across  the surface of Amy Winehouse. Even more dangerous was her lethal ability to spit, cough, sneeze contagious particles, projecting the contagion several hundred feet and infecting the unsuspecting.

Crusher insists that, with more Federal funding, an effective antiviral can be discovered and the end of Amy Winehouse disease will be swift and sure.

The judge stated that when the SCRAM device was attached to Lohan’s left leg on Monday, it became erractic, started slurring, and eventually puked behind a trash can outside an Uncle Bill’s pancake house. SCRAM technicians blame the behavior on the alarming amounts of alcohol and drugs coursing through Lohan’s veins. They state this is the first time for such an occurrence in the ten year history of the monitoring system.

In response, Judge Revel decided to have another SCRAM device attached to Lohan’s device, in order to monitor the blood-alcohol level of the device. Revel said that the move was done because she feared for the health and safety of Lohan’s SCRAM, which would need to operate in “close proximity to the highest concentration of toxic material known to man.” The judge did not disclose if that description referred to the drugs and alcohol in her system, or if she was referring to Lohan’s vagina.

Dina Lohan filed a lawsuit against the judge early this morning. In her lawsuit, Dina states that the judge’s ruling would “prevent Lindsay Lohan from dying in a drug-induced puddle of vomit at an early age, thereby preventing Dina Lohan from earning significant amounts of income based on Lindsay’s early demise.” Dina is seeking $10 million in damages.

Paul Evans, who led the ten year Federally-funded study, revealed that being a member of a death metal band typically tends to shorten life spans. “People who make and perform this type of music generally hate living, and so it is not surprising that many of these performers die unnaturally young,” said Evans. He cited the overwhelming number of death metal band members who die of suicide, drug overdoses, and from being too stupid to remember to breathe.

Evans also pointed out that the risk is only slightly lower for death metal band fans, who show an alarming propensity to pummel each other in mosh pits, and often die of snapped necks while rocking out to their favorite band’s excessively-loud songs about murder and Satan. He also added that many death metal performers and fans die due to never leaving the house without being covered in black, which often leads to a severe vitamin D deficiency and death.

Alarmed by Gray’s death, President Obama vowed to introduce legislation that would make death metal music illegal across the country. In a statement, Obama said that death metal “represents one of the greatest threats to our nation’s security and unity.” He added that he would not be deterred from this course “unless the people change their minds about it.”

Slipknot publicist Bambi “Bloody Cunt” Johnson said that Gray’s corpse would be propped up at every Slipknot concert in order to rot in front of the fans. When asked why the band woulddo something like that, Johnson said that displaying Gray’s decomposing corpse would be “fucking righteous, dude.”

Many people in and out of the music world have been completely disgusted by Doherty’s fingernails, which look as if they contain enough dirt in which to start a small vegetable garden. Doherty, once rumored to be an actual musician with a set of musical skills in an actual band, has spent all of the last several years doing drugs. And not cleaning his fingernails.

Stylists praised Doherty’s new look, which they all felt made the googly-eyed rocker “look almost human.” Doherty, when asked what he thought of the cleaner fingernails, said, “Mhhmmm, knhhlmmm jarrdnnonn.”

But now Lohan has shocked Hollywood and the world of fashion with her latest look, which is receiving high praise from every important fashionista. Lohan has managed to transform herself into a highly-intoxicated 40 year old woman.

Designer Tommy Hilfiger has publicly praised the daring new look, which he predicts will be ”the sexiest new trend of 2010.” Supermodel/talk show host Tyra Banks adds that “only Lindsay could pull off that look so well. I wish I could instantly age twenty years and look so graceful doing it.”

The actress, only 23 chronological years old, credits a steady diet of cigarettes, illegal drugs, weeks without sleep, and anonymous semen facials for her transformation. In a recent press conference, Lohan admitted being tired of her “good girl” persona. “People think I’m some damned Disney chick,” slurred Lohan over a highball, “but I’m not. And this new look will end that once and for all.”

People close to the actress are stunned in awe by Lohan’s change. “I’m always trying to look younger,” said mother Dina Lohan, “but not Lindsay. She looks as old as me now, but she still looks better! Amazing!” Father Michael Lohan admitted that Lindsay’s new look is more than simply a pleasant change. “She now looks like someone I might date, actually,” he said at another hastily-called press conference. “Now she looks like someone who would be a real wildcat in bed.”

The only person voicing outrage over Lindsay’s new look is ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson. In a telephone interview, Ronson said: “I was doing the unwashed, drugged-out, older-looking thing long before Firecrotch ever did.” In retaliation, Ronson plans to have her face surgically aged, and add more bags and circles beneath her eyes. She’s also starting a controversial procedure to have cigarette smoke pumped into her body intravenously. “We’ll see who looks older now,” said Ronson bitterly.

As for Lohan, she’s already moving on to her next look and leaving the fashion world in her wake. “I’m thinking about showing up to premieres with heroin needles sticking out of my arms and legs,” said Lohan. She added: “I think that will be a major look in 2011.”

Courtney Love could not be contacted for a comment.