Apparently the Underworld agrees. A new poll finds that 4 out of 5 demons hate Khloe Kardashian.

As many media watchers suspected, Khloe was created by a series of incantations which brought her into being. Once established on Earth, Khloe began to infiltrate all aspects of celebrity culture. This media saturation was accomplished using only demonic powers from the depth of Hell, as Khloe does not exhibit or possess any discernible skills.

While the humans suffering under the constant barrage of Khloe news certainly despise her, this new poll suggests that the demons who helped forge her hate her even more. One demon, speaking anonymously, said, “I wish we never would have gone along with the Master’s evil plans. Some things are just too horrible to attempt.” Added another: “I hate that fucking dumbass bitch.”

But not everyone loathes the tiny Kardashian. Says one demon named Lamar: “Dat bitch is da bomb, yo. She gots an ass dat’ll make ya bone ya motha.”

None of these polls or pleas from the billions on Earth will sway the Dark Lord Satan, however. In press release, Satan unequivocally supported using Khloe to “destroy everything life holds dear.” In conclusion, Satan calls Khloe Kardashian “(his) greatest accomplishment, even more destructive than Katrina or Obamacare.”

Several email requests went unanswered by Ms. Kardashian, who was unable to figure out how to open her email.

Blogger Jeffrey Wells, who writes a daily column about movies and other random factoids called Hollywood Elsewhere, has climbed to the top of a local L.A. Gear sneaker shop on Rodeo to protest the general stupidity and lack of fashion sense among the American populace.

Wells has complained about many of the less important aspects of society before, often citing exposed men’s feet and pudginess as reasons to hate humanity. These posts often overtook Wells’ column, which at one time was intended to focus on film.

Several readers have in recent weeks been alarmed at the militant tone of Wells’ posts, most of whom were banned at any mention of concern about the tone of the articles. “I used to read Hollywood Elsewhere for the insightful comments about the movie business,” said frequent poster D.Z., an unworthy recipient of Wells’ fickle ban. “But anymore, the site has become a pissing ground for Wells’ ideas about weight gain, intelligence, and hygiene.” D.Z. then provided several links to prove his position, all of which pointed to random YouTube videos.

Wells, who was once considered the sanest man in the movie business, has recently made a mission out of bragging about his intellectual and physical superiority. Among the evidence Wells supplies for this includes pictures of his own footwear, which show unequivocally that Wells has a keen fashion sense derived from closely studying BACK TO THE FUTURE II.  

In an interview conducted with Wells from his rooftop perch via his ever-present laptop, Wells defended his suicide threat. “When I plummet from this parapet, I will free my mind from the intellectual prison of this inferior race of creatures,” stated Wells eloquently. “I can no longer share this planet with all of these Jabbas, Truckstop Tommys, and Tammy Telehoosiers.” The interview was cut short by a freakish six hour interference with Wells’ $60 a month Aircard, the laborious details of which were shared in seven consecutive posts on his website.

When asked what finally sent him to this grim decision, Wells cited the recent spate of “detestable” summer blockbusters. And fat people. And men who wear open-toed sandals. And low thread count tee-shirts on anyone making over $100,000 a year. And uncooperative hotel managers. And everyone else who has not somehow met the rigorous standards Wells sets for everyone besides himself.

The final jump to his death has been scheduled to happen when G.I. JOE reaches $100 million in domestic earnings, which should happen next week. Wells will be joined in his death jump by his son Jett, who apparently long ago renounced friendship, love, and personal accomplishments in a lifetime quest to constantly accompany his father.

The two will be buried under Peter Jackson’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Photographer Steven Childs took the camera to the set of Michael Bay’s newest film, TRANSFORMERS 3: THE ASS OF MEGAN FOX. Although he was hoping to snap a picture of Fox baring her soul, Childs accidently captured Bay clowing around on the set. And that’s when he took the picture of a lifetime.

The resulting picture clearly shows a fiery red demon leaving the body of the acclaimed director of THE ROCK and ARMAGEDDON. Childs, stunned by the photograph, claims that he was not trying to embarrass the director. “I’m a paparazzo,” Childs commented, “it’s my job to get in as close as I can to my subjects.”

A spokesman for Minolta stated that their new Delta 6 camera will not be made available to the general public, fearing an onslaught of hideous soul pictures being taken in bathrooms and posted on MySpace.

But for Childs, his remarkable photograph remains the talk of Hollywood. “I have been approached by some celebrities, asking how they can get Bay’s demon accessory. They refuse to believe it’s a real demon coming out of Michael Bay’s chest,” said Childs. He added, “Michael clearly has them fooled.”

Reactions on film websites was swift and predictably harsh, as Michael Bay has long been a topic of tremendous consternation among movie fans worldwide. Ain’t It Cool News founder Harry Knowles released a statement, saying that the demon pictured is ”cooler than a three year old Chinese boy getting an assful of bull cock while lapping up foamy cum from Phyllis Diller’s pussy hole.” Burbanked founder Alan Lopuszynski stated simply, “I knew it!”

A spokesperson for Michael Bay stated that the famed director had no immediate comment on the picture, adding that fans around the world should “just keep watching the movies, and everything will be alright.”