Doctors were baffled by the symptoms exhibited by Sheen, which included a persistent nosebleed, profuse sweating, nervousness, shaking limbs, and inflamed sores all over his genitalia and mouth. Hospital spokesperson Holly Mortenstein said that the odd set of ailments “were not consistent with any known viral or bacterial agents.” She added that the infection “might be the start of a new plague that will threaten mankind.”

Charlie Sheen being resuscitated by an emergency handjob. The white powder under his nose has nothing to do with cocaine, say doctors.

Several gossip sites have forwarded the hypothesis that Sheen is, in fact, a raving cocaine fiend and hopelessly addicted to having raunchy sex with diseased prostitutes. Mortenstein refuted such allegations, citing contradictory evidence such as the fact that Sheen “is a famous star” who “has millions of dollars in the bank with which he could afford to have such slanderers killed.” Added Mortensen: “We see no evidence that Mr. Sheen is suffering from an addiction to cocaine or whores. He’s too rich and famous for that.”

Fan Abbey Johnson, though, has only the hope that Sheen recovers from his illness. “Charlie is too rich and famous for something so unfair to happen to him,” she said, adding that she’s “relieved that the doctors have determined that it isn’t related to drugs or prostitution, because that’s just not the actor I know and love.”

LaBeouf units stand ready to be shipped out to families in need of bland entertainment.

With its plasticine, featureless face and bland personality, actor/android Shia LaBeouf has won the hearts of millions of moviegoers with programmed performances in films like Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull. Now fans can have that formless nothingness in their homes when they purchase a Shia LaBeouf android.

“As an exact replica, fans can expect Shia to wave and smile a lot, as well as repeat certain phrases forever,” said director and entrepreneur Steven Spielberg. While the director admits to overusing the android in many films over the last four years, he stressed that it was all in the name of fine-tuning the product. Said Spielberg: “I gave up making real films a long time ago. Most of my recent films have been test beds for various products that will add to my financial security.”

The Shia LaBeouf model does not have a penis

At Spielberg’s insistence, the LaBeouf robot was given the Transformers franchise despite the fact that it wasn’t fully tested at the time. It did, however, exceed all expectations. “The LaBeouf model did everything it was asked to do without any embellishment or creativity, which is a relief after years of dealing with real actors,” said Spielberg, chuckling to himself. In fact, Spielberg liked the LaBeouf android so much that he shoehorned it into the fourth Indiana Jones film as a way to test it in more adverse conditions, such as reading from a script by George Lucas. Yet again, it passed with flying colors. “The Indy film convinced me that The LaBeouf was ready for mass consumption,” said Spielberg. “If it could sell that piece of shit, then it could do anything!”

The model goes on sale for only $2.4 million dollars exclusively through Spielberg’s website.

“Being a devout Christian and animal lover, I was uncomfortable with sacrificing any animal to a foreign god or goddess,” said Montag at a recent book signing. “But after Spencer slit the throat of that first goat and the money started rolling in, I knew in my heart that what I was doing was right.”

For Pratt, the moral implications never crossed his mind. “Fuck God, fuck animal rights, and fuck everything else. Fame is all I want,” said Pratt. “I’d light my own mother on fire and fuck her in the ass as she burns to death if it meant getting any kind of attention.” Fortunately Pratt has yet to need such extreme measures. “Thanks to sacrificing a goat to Baal, my mother can remain alive,” said Pratt without a smile.

For Lance Carter, head psychologist at the Motion Picture Association Center For The Criminally Insane, the methods used by Montag and Pratt are signs of seriously deranged minds. “I’m not sure if they were breastfed long enough, or never held, or what it might be,” said Carter, “but it’s clear that they have a pathological need for attention that resembles an abandoned baby in emotional distress.”

Pratt and Montag scoff at such assertions. “We simply need to be famous, and killing a goat is one of the methods we use to achieve that,” said Montag. Added Pratt: “It’s not like we have an education or any intelligence to rely on.” Then, smiling, Pratt added that “I’m too good looking to work at Taco Bell.”

With the revelation of their fame technique, PETA and other animal rights organizations fear a rash of copycat attempts. The controversy has caused demonstrations wherever the couple are scheduled to appear. But for Pratt, this is just part of the master’s plan. “Our Lord Baal continues to bless us with publicity and media attention, so them ‘em demonstrate,” said Pratt, “and we’ll keep getting on talk shows and Perez Hilton. We will never go away.”

Baal had no comment for this story.

But now Lohan has shocked Hollywood and the world of fashion with her latest look, which is receiving high praise from every important fashionista. Lohan has managed to transform herself into a highly-intoxicated 40 year old woman.

Designer Tommy Hilfiger has publicly praised the daring new look, which he predicts will be ”the sexiest new trend of 2010.” Supermodel/talk show host Tyra Banks adds that “only Lindsay could pull off that look so well. I wish I could instantly age twenty years and look so graceful doing it.”

The actress, only 23 chronological years old, credits a steady diet of cigarettes, illegal drugs, weeks without sleep, and anonymous semen facials for her transformation. In a recent press conference, Lohan admitted being tired of her “good girl” persona. “People think I’m some damned Disney chick,” slurred Lohan over a highball, “but I’m not. And this new look will end that once and for all.”

People close to the actress are stunned in awe by Lohan’s change. “I’m always trying to look younger,” said mother Dina Lohan, “but not Lindsay. She looks as old as me now, but she still looks better! Amazing!” Father Michael Lohan admitted that Lindsay’s new look is more than simply a pleasant change. “She now looks like someone I might date, actually,” he said at another hastily-called press conference. “Now she looks like someone who would be a real wildcat in bed.”

The only person voicing outrage over Lindsay’s new look is ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson. In a telephone interview, Ronson said: “I was doing the unwashed, drugged-out, older-looking thing long before Firecrotch ever did.” In retaliation, Ronson plans to have her face surgically aged, and add more bags and circles beneath her eyes. She’s also starting a controversial procedure to have cigarette smoke pumped into her body intravenously. “We’ll see who looks older now,” said Ronson bitterly.

As for Lohan, she’s already moving on to her next look and leaving the fashion world in her wake. “I’m thinking about showing up to premieres with heroin needles sticking out of my arms and legs,” said Lohan. She added: “I think that will be a major look in 2011.”

Courtney Love could not be contacted for a comment.

Photographer Steven Childs took the camera to the set of Michael Bay’s newest film, TRANSFORMERS 3: THE ASS OF MEGAN FOX. Although he was hoping to snap a picture of Fox baring her soul, Childs accidently captured Bay clowing around on the set. And that’s when he took the picture of a lifetime.

The resulting picture clearly shows a fiery red demon leaving the body of the acclaimed director of THE ROCK and ARMAGEDDON. Childs, stunned by the photograph, claims that he was not trying to embarrass the director. “I’m a paparazzo,” Childs commented, “it’s my job to get in as close as I can to my subjects.”

A spokesman for Minolta stated that their new Delta 6 camera will not be made available to the general public, fearing an onslaught of hideous soul pictures being taken in bathrooms and posted on MySpace.

But for Childs, his remarkable photograph remains the talk of Hollywood. “I have been approached by some celebrities, asking how they can get Bay’s demon accessory. They refuse to believe it’s a real demon coming out of Michael Bay’s chest,” said Childs. He added, “Michael clearly has them fooled.”

Reactions on film websites was swift and predictably harsh, as Michael Bay has long been a topic of tremendous consternation among movie fans worldwide. Ain’t It Cool News founder Harry Knowles released a statement, saying that the demon pictured is ”cooler than a three year old Chinese boy getting an assful of bull cock while lapping up foamy cum from Phyllis Diller’s pussy hole.” Burbanked founder Alan Lopuszynski stated simply, “I knew it!”

A spokesperson for Michael Bay stated that the famed director had no immediate comment on the picture, adding that fans around the world should “just keep watching the movies, and everything will be alright.”