Movie bloggers from across the blogosphere competed in multiple events, each vying for the kind of riches and fame that even a career in movie blogging cannot attain. Here is a breakdown of the event by competition:

Misplaced Movie Enthusiasm- Several movie bloggers competed in this controversial event, in which bloggers were asked to create a response to a film that was inversely proportionate to the film being viewed. The film shown was GHOST RIDER, which was introduced by star Nicholas Cage. The third runner-up in the competition, a yellow Labrador named Charlie, dropped his soggy tennis ball, marked the movie screen by urinating on it, and then rolled on his back, exposing his extended red penis. The second runner up, Ben Lyons, formerly of At The Movies, took 134 photographs with an exhausted Cage before offering to rim the entire cast and crew of the film on camera. The first runner-up, Alex Billington of FirstShowing, spontaneously ejaculated during the opening credits, followed by non-stop cheering at the film, which culminated in cardiac arrest near the end of the final battle. Once revived, Alex declared that the film was so much fun that he wanted to see it in a continuous loop forever.

The eventual winner of the event, Harry Knowles of Aint It Cool News, howled throughout most of the film while bouncing joyously in his wheelchair. He screamed out the word “Yoko!” several times at random moments. Afterwards, Harry wrote that “the film was more enjoyable than a demonic goat fucking a Chinese kid’s ass in a Skittles rainstorm!!!!” The judges gave him extra points for his overuse of exclamation points.

CGI Resistance - For this, contestants were strapped to a chair and monitored for blood pressure, heart rate, and genital stimulation while a series of CGI shots were shown onscreen.  The blogger to survive the CGI onslaught was declared the winner.

Several bloggers gave out during this demanding test. John Campea of The Movie Blog and a cross-eyed Billington both passed out during a series of blurry, incomprehensible CGI shots from the TRANSFORMERS series, which the judges felt was the easiest part of the competition. Billington in particular upset the judges when he blurted out, “this is the greatest technological achievement in film history” before being disqualified permanently.

The second runner up in the event was David Carr, who fell asleep during a JURASSIC PARK highlight reel; his snores of carelessness secured the bronze. First runner up was Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere, who complained loudly out throughout the E.T. reel about E.T.’s excessive weight and lack of appropriate male footwear. The winner, by a landslide, was Rex Reed of The New York Observer. His heart rate never wavered, and his genitalia never registered on the equipment, even during the climactic STAR WARS SPECIAL EDITION footage. Afterwards, Reed secured his victory by waving a lace handkerchief at the judges and declaring the entire episode “a lot of nonsensical poppycock.”

Most Contrarian - In this competition, movie critics were asked to watch films with a generally strong consensus, and then contradict that consensus with a contrarian view.  Expectations for this event were high, as all contestants are keenly aware of what a contrary viewpoint does to website hits.

The second runner-up was David Poland of The Hot Blog, who whined about the excessive use of black and white photography and jarring use of sound in CITIZEN KANE. The first runner up was Devin Faraci of CHUD, who disagreed with every answer in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE while stroking his unpopular beard. The winner of the event was Armond White of New York Press, who argued vehemently against the judges for ten minutes when they simply stated, “Armond White is alive and a male human.”

Nastiest Reviewer – Nick Nunziata of CHUD won this handily by using the word “cunt” nine times in three sentences while reviewing MARY POPPINS.

In all, the event was a resounding success. Event organizers are already planning next year’s competition. They say that they intend to include more events, including:

Best Blowjob (Celebrity/Director/Writer/CGI Artist) – in which contestants are asked to give oral sex to a famous industry insider.

James Cameron Whack-A-Thon – in which contestants are asked to ejaculate onto a poster of James Cameron on the set of ALIENS, the winner determined by amount of semen in ounces.

Tarantino Pudding Lick – a fun event in which contestants are asked to eat excrement from the anus of Quentin Tarantino.

Tuck And Run – Contestants must tuck their penises between their legs like Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and then chase after a UPS driver carrying studio gifts.

Kevin Smith Laugh-A-Thon – Contestants are forced to watch the funniest bits of Kevin Smith’s career; the last one still managing to laugh wins.

The O.F.C.S. promises next year’s Olympics will be the best yet. Tickets are already on sale at their website.

Blogger Jeffrey Wells, who writes a daily column about movies and other random factoids called Hollywood Elsewhere, has climbed to the top of a local L.A. Gear sneaker shop on Rodeo to protest the general stupidity and lack of fashion sense among the American populace.

Wells has complained about many of the less important aspects of society before, often citing exposed men’s feet and pudginess as reasons to hate humanity. These posts often overtook Wells’ column, which at one time was intended to focus on film.

Several readers have in recent weeks been alarmed at the militant tone of Wells’ posts, most of whom were banned at any mention of concern about the tone of the articles. “I used to read Hollywood Elsewhere for the insightful comments about the movie business,” said frequent poster D.Z., an unworthy recipient of Wells’ fickle ban. “But anymore, the site has become a pissing ground for Wells’ ideas about weight gain, intelligence, and hygiene.” D.Z. then provided several links to prove his position, all of which pointed to random YouTube videos.

Wells, who was once considered the sanest man in the movie business, has recently made a mission out of bragging about his intellectual and physical superiority. Among the evidence Wells supplies for this includes pictures of his own footwear, which show unequivocally that Wells has a keen fashion sense derived from closely studying BACK TO THE FUTURE II.  

In an interview conducted with Wells from his rooftop perch via his ever-present laptop, Wells defended his suicide threat. “When I plummet from this parapet, I will free my mind from the intellectual prison of this inferior race of creatures,” stated Wells eloquently. “I can no longer share this planet with all of these Jabbas, Truckstop Tommys, and Tammy Telehoosiers.” The interview was cut short by a freakish six hour interference with Wells’ $60 a month Aircard, the laborious details of which were shared in seven consecutive posts on his website.

When asked what finally sent him to this grim decision, Wells cited the recent spate of “detestable” summer blockbusters. And fat people. And men who wear open-toed sandals. And low thread count tee-shirts on anyone making over $100,000 a year. And uncooperative hotel managers. And everyone else who has not somehow met the rigorous standards Wells sets for everyone besides himself.

The final jump to his death has been scheduled to happen when G.I. JOE reaches $100 million in domestic earnings, which should happen next week. Wells will be joined in his death jump by his son Jett, who apparently long ago renounced friendship, love, and personal accomplishments in a lifetime quest to constantly accompany his father.

The two will be buried under Peter Jackson’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.