In a move that has shocked the entertainment world, Gosselin abandoned her eight children in a grocery store this morning after seeing a news camera crew doing a puff piece on the street corner. She followed them for several miles back to the studio, where she then spent several hours attempting to wedge herself in front of the camera lens.

When reminded that her children were stranded alone at the store, Kate said: “Who cares about them anymore? They are too young to operate video equipment and film me.” The police were called, and Kate was taken to jail for child endangerment.

Before her arrest, Kate managed to set up several press conferences regarding this latest chapter in the Gosselin saga that has the nation spellbound. In regards to the welfare of the children, Kate said that she’s “tired of the whining and neediness of children.” She also mentioned how difficult it was for her to keep up with a hectic schedule of daytime talk show appearances when she had “these burdens in my life,” adding that “something had to give. And that happens to be those (expletive) kids.”

Aside from the constant care they required, Kate mentioned that the children never noticed the work she did around them. “I would change my hairstyle every day,” said Gosselin, “and they never noticed it. I miss the days when I would color my hair or alter my bangs and it would be front-page news all over the world.” Added Gosselin: “If my kids can’t give me the kind of attention the whole world gives me, then who needs them?”

Police could not confirm whether or not the children will be returned to their mother, but it seems unlikely in light of the remarks Kate made at the press conference when she said, “If they force those kids on me, I will videotape me eating them alive.” When asked why, Kate only said one word: “Press.”

When asked for a comment on this latest shocking development, Jon Gosselin removed his face from the vagina of a nameless sixteen year old and said, “What kids?”

The polling firm Zogby recently asked 2,000 random people from 16 countries to list the five things that most fascinate them in life. The pollsters did not restrict their answers to anything specifically or obviously fascinating, like the career of Paris Hilton or the actual ingredients in Cornnuts.

The results were shocking. A full 83 percent listed the Gosselin family struggles as the most fascinating thing they have ever encountered. This topped the second most fascinating thing - popcorn butter - by 23 percent. Rounding out the top five most fascinating things: nail fungus, flip flops, and getting drunk.

Life on Earth changed irrevocably once the Gosselin family was featured in a reality television show that chronicled their endlessly interesting lives. The story of this extremely fertile couple and their eight children has become a cultural institution that has captivated all sentient beings. The show is now taught in most colleges as an example of television production, morality, and desirable human behavior.

That is fine by Betty Grable, who was polled by Zogby on the topic last week. “The Gosselin’s are my life,” said Grable, who admits that she has not left the house since the debut of the show. “I hate even talking to my real family because they pale in comparison to Jon and Kate.”

Many share Grable’s intense concern for everything Gosselin. One hundred and forty six people have already committed suicide due to the recent divorce of Kate and Jon, played out in heartbreaking detail on television. One lucky survivor was Darla Harris, who nearly strangled herself with an ironing cord when she saw pictures of Jon being unfaithful. “I am seeing a psychiatrist to deal with my devastation over (Jon’s) infidelity,” said Harris, whose neck still bears the scars of her attempt. “But we usually end up just talking about the show. He’s just as hooked as I am!”

As Gosselin fever sweeps the globe, President Obama has proposed making a national holiday called Jon and Kate Day, but the planned annual holiday was changed by Congress to a monthly observance. Said the President at a local eatery: “Although Jon and Kate are now separated, we can thank them for bringing us all together in the spirit of love and compassion. May they never leave television, or our hearts, minds, and prayers.”

In response to the poll, Kate Gosselin released this message to her billions of adoring fans: “Please leave me and my kids alone.”

Jon Gosselin was too busy having sex with sixteen year old babysitters to comment for this story.