Many celebrity justice advocates showed up at Lindsay’s arrival, many of whom wore t-shirts that read “Justice for Lindsay.” The advocates have been fighting for weeks to get Judge Marsha Revel to provide Lohan with the type of accommodations that a star of her caliber deserves. “Do you think Paris Hilton would even cop a squat in a dump like the Peninsula?” asked Sandy Baker, one of the leaders of the celebrity justice movement in Los Angeles. She added that the room in which Lindsay will be imprisoned – the Deluxe Suite with a King Bed – only goes for $1,800 a night and is even occasionally used by ”regular” people.

Although Lindsay will have a full-time chef there to prepare meals, a masseuse to massage her aching muscles, and a bartender/supplier on site to provide her with any number of requests, advocates stress that her punishment is beyond anything reasonably forced on the general public. “If a normal person got a DUI, do you think they would even be imprisoned?” asked Sandy Culbertson, head of the Lindsay Lohan fan club. “They would just pay a fine and that would be it. But Lindsay is not only being imprisoned, but she’s has to do it in a place that may or may not have fecal matter on the sheets.”

Lindsay’s attorney at this moment, Shawn Chapman Holley, is fighting to have Lohan moved to a more suitable facility. Holley is lobbying Judge Revel to move Lohan to Necker Island, an exclusive club on a deserted island that charges $10,000 a night. That, asserts Holley, would be “more suitable for a star of Lindsay’s magnitude.”

The judge stated that when the SCRAM device was attached to Lohan’s left leg on Monday, it became erractic, started slurring, and eventually puked behind a trash can outside an Uncle Bill’s pancake house. SCRAM technicians blame the behavior on the alarming amounts of alcohol and drugs coursing through Lohan’s veins. They state this is the first time for such an occurrence in the ten year history of the monitoring system.

In response, Judge Revel decided to have another SCRAM device attached to Lohan’s device, in order to monitor the blood-alcohol level of the device. Revel said that the move was done because she feared for the health and safety of Lohan’s SCRAM, which would need to operate in “close proximity to the highest concentration of toxic material known to man.” The judge did not disclose if that description referred to the drugs and alcohol in her system, or if she was referring to Lohan’s vagina.

Dina Lohan filed a lawsuit against the judge early this morning. In her lawsuit, Dina states that the judge’s ruling would “prevent Lindsay Lohan from dying in a drug-induced puddle of vomit at an early age, thereby preventing Dina Lohan from earning significant amounts of income based on Lindsay’s early demise.” Dina is seeking $10 million in damages.

It is a shocking turn of events in the case, as most onlookers expected that Johnson died of a drug overdose. The heiress was a well-known drug user, which she used to fill the empty days and nights of her pointless existence.

The results of the autopsy have stunned Johnson’s family and friends. “I knew that Tila (Tequila) was nasty, but I had no idea that her vagina was so lethal to human life,” said famed lesbian phony Lindsay Lohan in a prepared statement. Fellow socialite Paris Hilton echoed Lohan’s shock, saying, “I told (Casey) that she needed to stick to deep throating dudes, and stay away from that chink bitch.”

While there has been no official word from Tequila on the matter, she has released 1.4 million tweets that reaffirm her innocence. The latest tweet read: “My pussy is clean, dammit. It don’t stink or nothing!” The coroner has said that these tweets cannot be used as evidence

But now Lohan has shocked Hollywood and the world of fashion with her latest look, which is receiving high praise from every important fashionista. Lohan has managed to transform herself into a highly-intoxicated 40 year old woman.

Designer Tommy Hilfiger has publicly praised the daring new look, which he predicts will be ”the sexiest new trend of 2010.” Supermodel/talk show host Tyra Banks adds that “only Lindsay could pull off that look so well. I wish I could instantly age twenty years and look so graceful doing it.”

The actress, only 23 chronological years old, credits a steady diet of cigarettes, illegal drugs, weeks without sleep, and anonymous semen facials for her transformation. In a recent press conference, Lohan admitted being tired of her “good girl” persona. “People think I’m some damned Disney chick,” slurred Lohan over a highball, “but I’m not. And this new look will end that once and for all.”

People close to the actress are stunned in awe by Lohan’s change. “I’m always trying to look younger,” said mother Dina Lohan, “but not Lindsay. She looks as old as me now, but she still looks better! Amazing!” Father Michael Lohan admitted that Lindsay’s new look is more than simply a pleasant change. “She now looks like someone I might date, actually,” he said at another hastily-called press conference. “Now she looks like someone who would be a real wildcat in bed.”

The only person voicing outrage over Lindsay’s new look is ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson. In a telephone interview, Ronson said: “I was doing the unwashed, drugged-out, older-looking thing long before Firecrotch ever did.” In retaliation, Ronson plans to have her face surgically aged, and add more bags and circles beneath her eyes. She’s also starting a controversial procedure to have cigarette smoke pumped into her body intravenously. “We’ll see who looks older now,” said Ronson bitterly.

As for Lohan, she’s already moving on to her next look and leaving the fashion world in her wake. “I’m thinking about showing up to premieres with heroin needles sticking out of my arms and legs,” said Lohan. She added: “I think that will be a major look in 2011.”

Courtney Love could not be contacted for a comment.

In a recent interview, Lohan spoke at length about her career. In one of her more candid responses, Lohan talked about some of the people in her life who have provided inspiration during her rapid rise to superstardom.

“My mother has been a real strength to me in my life, but especially in my career,” Lohan said, adding, “I wouldn’t even know what a bronzer was if it hadn’t been for her.” Lohan was quick to dispel rumors of strife between the two entertainment icons. “My mother is, like, everything to me. We’re closer than sisters. Before Samantha (Ronson), I would even let my boyfriends sleep with her. Hell, I’d even let Samantha take a couple of licks, too!”

But Lohan, who has not done anything since 1999′s FREAKY FRIDAY, saved her most effusive praise for the one actor who has provided the blueprint for most of her career: Ryan O’Neal. Though a surprising choice, Lohan has good reasons to consider O’Neal to be a guiding light in the troubled waters of Hollywood.

“Look at Ryan,” said the actress, “He’s amazing! He hasn’t done anything at all except get drunk for almost forty years, and yet he still gets into the finest restaurants and bars, and tabloids still talk about him! That’s the kind of power I want to have in my career, and I’m working really hard to emulate his desire to work less and leech off of society.”

Lohan also named other similar inspirations, including Paris Hilton, the “guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell,” and Tom Arnold. Of Arnold in particular, Lohan gushed: “Look at how that guy mentions a sequel to TRUE LIES, like, every other year! That was two decades ago, and he’s still living off of it! Amazing!”

Lohan was keen to elaborate further, but a fight broke out between her and Samantha Ronson in front of a group of paparazzi.

In related news, Ryan O’Neal held a press conference this morning to announce a new reality show involving his renewed relationship with the corpse of Farrah Fawcett, which O’Neal had extracted from her grave just hours before. According to sources, the show will follow O’Neal’s grieving process as he comes to grips with the death of his meal ticket. The show has been picked up for nine seasons.