An Instant Partnership

The mole of Enrique Iglesias considers itself one of the most important factors in the instant success of the Latin heartthrob. “I was his childhood friend,” said the mole, fondly reminiscing, “we used to spend so many days together writing great music.” Once success found the duo, the mole began suspecting something was wrong. “Enrique started turning his head to the right in videos, trying to limit my exposure to the camera,” said the mole. It added: “That was the beginning of the end.”

A Fateful Appointment

One day in 2007, Enrique approached his partner about a scheduled doctor’s visit. “Enrique said he wanted to have me seen by a specialist because we had been tanning a lot and I was turning colors,” said the mole wistfully. While the tests returned inconclusive, Enrique became distant. “We weren’t writing songs together much at that time,” said the mole, “and Enrique was always putting heavy pancake makeup on me to disguise my presence, even though he said he just wanted to try something new visually.”

The End Of A Partnership

The mole recalls the day they broke up as if it just happened yesterday. “Enrique said we were going to get some ice cream, and suddenly I fell asleep,” recalled the mole, “and when I awoke, I was separated from his face.” Enrique left the operating room that day and never looked back. “I haven’t spoken to him or seen him since he tricked me,” said the mole.

Music doesn’t come easily these days for the singer/songwriter/mole since the breakup. “Enrique and I were a team, almost feeding off of each other,” said the mole, “and I don’t understand why he would break up that kind of rare magic.” The mole is quick to point out that Enrique hasn’t done well without the mole firmly attached to his face. “Have you heard the shit he’s put out since? It’s awful,” said the mole.

Enrique Iglesias had no comment.

Ke$ha's vagina disgorges an unknown substance during a concert in Kansas City, MO

NEW YORK – The EPA, the FDA, and the NAACP combined forces today to pass an emergency bill calling for a quarantine of pop star Ke$ha following last night’s environmental catastrophe at her concert in Kansas City, MO. While lip-syncing her hit We R Who We R, the young superstar queefed on the front row, disgorging a badly-decomposed human hand, a Louisiana license plate, a pound of glitter, and a yet-undetermined green and foul-smelling substance.

 Ralph Jamieson, head of the EPA and real music fan, said that the substances discharged by Ke$ha “pose a significant threat to the environment and life on this planet.” The FDA was forced to join with the EPA once it was discovered that the noxious substance oozing from Ke$ha “could not be overcome with modern medicine,” said Howard Pilkingston, senior advisor to the medicinal watchdog. Meanwhile, Jerome “J-Dawg” Watkins , current “Head Pimp” at the NAACP, said his organization became involved because “dat bitch is nasty!”

Forensic scientists have been called in from across the country to determine the source of the human hand that fell out of Ke$ha’s vagina onstage. Sources close to the singer believe it to be former roadie Brandon Halperin, who disappeared after a whiskey-fueled fisting session in Ke$ha’s tour bus last year. As for the curious expulsion of a Louisiana license plate, Matt Hooper of the National Oceanographic Institute believes it indicates that “Ke$ha infiltrated the United States by swimming up the gulf stream.”

While tests are being conducted, Ke$ha has been ordered to remain in her trailer, where she can subsist on her ample supply of Jack Daniels, cigarette butts, and watermelon glitter lip gloss. All remaining dates on her concert tour have been cancelled due to the crisis. Officials have no time table for Ke$ha’s return, although Jamieson said that it could be quite a while “because we’re not in any hurry to hear her voice again.”

The two year study looked at possible ways to prevent infection by Amy Winehouse, as well as ways to supress the viral load of those already infected. Several test subjects died during the study, most of whom died of a curious, depressive malaise.

Dr. Stephen Crusher, who led the study, had bad news for a populace eager for some sign of hope that the dreadful Amy Winehouse contagion could be contained. Crusher urged residents to wash often and stay indoors as much as possible. This is especially true of those most at risk for contracting Amy Winehouse, such as the homeless in Lower Manhattan and the greater New York area where Amy Winehouse is known to proliferate.

Prior to budding into a supervirus, Amy Winehouse was a Grammy award winning singer and songwriter. However, her latent phase ended abruptly two years ago, and she began to spread viral particles across the United States. Scientists noted the contagious nature of the infection, which was spread from various leaking orifices located across  the surface of Amy Winehouse. Even more dangerous was her lethal ability to spit, cough, sneeze contagious particles, projecting the contagion several hundred feet and infecting the unsuspecting.

Crusher insists that, with more Federal funding, an effective antiviral can be discovered and the end of Amy Winehouse disease will be swift and sure.

The former Poison singer’s terrible misfortune stunned the music world. Seeing Michaels, a celebrity with a jovial, larger-then-life personality, suddenly struck down has left his fans in utter shock. ”I left my part-time job as a stripper as soon as I heard the news,” said Brandi Templeton as she waited in the hospital lobby for updates. “Bret Michaels is my dream man, and I won’t leave his side until he has recovered and returned to a life of banging waitresses and starring in reality shows.”

But today’s discovery of a possible cause of the aneurysm left many doctors baffled. The aneurysm was apparently caused by the new Poison album that Michaels was secretly working on at the time it struck. “Our current hypothesis is that Mr. Michaels’ body, upon hearing the new Poison tracks, decided to kill itself in an effort to stop the production of the album,” said Doctor Franklin Harvester, a brain surgeon at Cedar Sinai hospital. When asked if this was a likely explanation, Dr. Harvester added, seriously: “Have you heard the new songs?”

For Professor Earnest Growling, such occurrences are more common than anyone realizes. “In my mind, natural selection is one of the leading causes of death in the world,” said Growling. “At some point, evolution decides that certain developments are unacceptable for the improvement of the human species, and it takes steps to eliminate those developments.” When asked if Michaels’ aneurysm might be a case of natural selection, Growling agreed completely. “It is obvious that natural selection, upon hearing this new Poison album, decided that the best course of action would be to eliminate Michaels from the food chain.” Growling added: “I mean, have you heard the new songs?”

Distraught Poison sluts pose outside the hospital where Bret Michaels clings to life.

But this scientific explanation does little to soothe the unquenchable heartache felt by Michaels’ fans. It is obvious that many of these distraught fans feel like Templeton, who said, through tears, that she hopes Michaels recovers quickly and gets back to doing what he does best. “Ever since I was a little girl, I imagined that Bret would wander into the bar I work at and take me into a broom closet and ass fuck me,” she said, proudly. “He can’t die. I’m not ready to give up on my dream just yet.”

Many people in and out of the music world have been completely disgusted by Doherty’s fingernails, which look as if they contain enough dirt in which to start a small vegetable garden. Doherty, once rumored to be an actual musician with a set of musical skills in an actual band, has spent all of the last several years doing drugs. And not cleaning his fingernails.

Stylists praised Doherty’s new look, which they all felt made the googly-eyed rocker “look almost human.” Doherty, when asked what he thought of the cleaner fingernails, said, “Mhhmmm, knhhlmmm jarrdnnonn.”

And like his Christmas album, the new album will feature corporate tie-in sponsorship. This time, Dylan has partnered with floundering financial giant AIG in a blockbuster deal sure to be the envy of every anti-establishment folk hero.

Although the songs have been a closely guarded secret, a Dylan spokesman confirmed that many of the tracks do actually involve trees. But an industry insider who managed to hear some of the tracks insisted that this album is anything but environmentally-friendly. A track listing that appeared on the internet seems to confirm this, with song titles like The Trees They Are A-Burnin’, Pave The Forests, and Fuck Trees.

When asked about this disturbing change in musical direction, Dylan cryptically responded that “corporate America knows what’s best for us, and right now we need to get rid of trees before they give us another swine flu.”

Many of Dylan’s fans are outraged. Daniel Christopher, head of the Bob Dylan Fantasy League, responded angrily to the latest career move by his beloved folk singer. “Dylan used to be anti-establishment,” said the rotund founder in a telephone interview, “but now the guy is sucking the teet of the beast.”

In response, Dylan issued a statement consisting of his stock portfolio, along with a note that said, in part, “I want to have money so I don’t need to live like Mr. Christopher and all the other insignificant worker drones of society.”

The album will hit stores in the first part of the fiscal year. President Obama has promised a tax credit to everyone purchasing the album within the first week of sales.

The singer, known for hits like Poker Face and Love Game, has, in recent months, paraded herself around in outfits that test the boundaries of fashion, physics, and sanity. In a recent concert appearance, Gaga wore nothing but reflective triangles all over her body. She has also appeared covered in Kermit dolls, and another time in a form-fitting bodysuit sprinkled with little plastic bubbles.

But her newest fashion maneuver has left the entire planet stunned. Gaga, undergoing a radical procedure, has actually transformed herself into a sculpture. Gaga was cast into a mold of Portland cement in order to make herself into an abstract stone sculpture of a woman. Visitors to Gaga’s concerts and appearances can press a button embedded in her breast in order to make her play music. When they do, they are treated to Madonna’s classic Holiday played backwards.

Madonna is said to be very upset about Gaga’s latest eye-catching stunt, but it apparently has little to do with Gaga’s use of her song.  Madonna’s publicist, Liz Rosenberg, reminded everyone Friday that “Madonna has been doing transformation longer and better than anyone else.” Rosenberg noted that Madonna has recently transformed herself into a Flashdance Zombie. 

But Gaga intends to outdo everyone in the art department. Gaga released a statement before her transformation, saying that, “Andy Warhol has nothing on me. I must be as abnormal as I possibly can at every point in my life, or I simply will never be happy.”