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J.K. Rowling Reads TWILIGHT, Hates It

Skullebrity — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 23:23:46 +0000

Author J.K. Rowling reading Twilight and laughing hysterically.

Competition is hardly something author J.K. Rowling worries about these days as she collects huge residual checks to add to her billions earned as the creator of the Harry Potter books and films. But the world’s most successful writer has taken notice of how Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series has made inroads into Rowling’s large fanbase.

Rowling admitted today that she has finally read Meyer’s first novel in the wildly popular vampire series. Calling it “the work of an asexual mongoloid,” Rowling did not hold back in her criticisms of the book. “She uses the word ‘beautiful’ probably 4,000 times in the first chapter,” said Rowling on the grounds of her castle in Edinburgh, “it’s like (Meyer) doesn’t know very many English words to describe her world or her thoughts.”

The British author had little positive to say about Meyer’s heroine, a sullen and lonely girl named Bella. “Bella might be the most depressing and worthless female character ever concocted in the literary world,” said Rowling. “I thought Kristen Stewart was simply a bad choice for the part, but, after reading it, she’s perfect.” Rowling felt that Bella, as portrayed in the novel, “set the women’s rights movement back to the Bronze Age.”

Rowling’s harshest criticisms were saved for Meyer’s literary techniques, which Rowling said was ”the physical embodiment of the old adage about 1,000 monkeys at 1,000 typewriters.” Rowling added that the prose in the book “couldn’t catch fire if it was soaked in gasoline and hurled into the sun.”

Rowling said that she managed to finish the book, although she likened the experience to “having my brain pulled out of my ears with coat hangers.” By the time she finished, Rowling said that she had developed a dependency on Valium, which she subsequently overcame by cleansing her palette with several books in the Captain Underpants series.

Meyer said that Rowling’s comments were “beautiful, much to my chagrin.”

Twilight Series Second Leading Cause Of Puberty Among Girls, Boys

Skullebrity — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:49:47 +0000

Researchers at the National Institute of Health have found that watching a Twilight film can actually cause puberty to begin in girls of any age. This makes the films second only to hormones as the leading cause of puberty initiation among pre-pubescents.

Guong Hyang, a 12 year old boy, grew Twilight-induced breasts during the study.

In a double-blind study, doctors found that girls undergo severe changes while watching Twilight. In addition to non-stop screaming and random bouts of crying, the girls also undergo physiological changes, including menstrual discharges, lactating breasts, and tufts of hair around their red, swollen vaginas. They also have compulsive urges to spend every dime they can wrestle from their parents on Twilight merchandise.

Even more disturbing was the revelation in the study that the same effects can occur in girls that are too young to start puberty, and that it can also happen to boys. “We had several young boys aged 9-12 who watched the film and then grew enormous breasts,” said Dr. William Mercher, who led the study. He added that the boys will undergo counseling to discover whether they should have hormone therapy, or simply have surgery and become female.

This news comes too late for Monica Strassky, whose son participated in the Twilight research project. “I regret the day I ever signed Billy up for that study,” said Strassky from her home in Laramie, Wyoming. “I had a beautiful little boy before that ever happened.” She is referring to Billy’s startling transformation into a girl over a week-long period of time. “He watched the films as part of the study. When he came home, he complained that his breasts hurt. Within two days, he needed a c-cup,” said Strassky through tears. By the end of the week, Billy’s penis “had shriveled up into a sad little flap of skin, utterly worthless,” said Strassky. Even worse for the mother of three was the orientation change in her son. “Before that, Billy loved baseball and other boy activities,” said Strassky, “but afterwards he named his Wiffleball bat ‘Edward’ and began inserting it into his rectum.”

The sudden change was not accepted in Strassky’s town. “We took him out back and stoned him, of course,” said Strassky tearfully. “I felt bad about it, but we couldn’t have a Twilight-loving faggot in my house.”

These stories trouble doctors and physicians like Mercher. “I recommend that any parent with a girl under nine years old should not expose them to these films,” said Mercher. He added: “And for God’s sake, don’t let your boys watch this series at all.”

Taylor Lautner’s 30 Pounds Of Muscle To Get Spinoff Series

Skullebrity — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:14:41 +0000

Much has been made of the 30 pounds of muscle Taylor Lautner put on for his bulked up role in the upcoming TWILIGHT sequel NEW MOON. In fact, according to Reuters, the phrase “30 pounds of muscle” is, to this point, the most-used phrase of 2009 in media reporting.

Series creator Stephanie Meyer has paid close attention to the interest in Lautner’s 30 pounds of muscle, and is responding to demand with a spinoff series of books and films based around Lautner’s additional muscle weight.

“Taylor’s muscles are so well developed and sexy. It would be, like, a shame if we failed to give them their own series of books and films,” said Meyer at a recent book signing. Then, to tantalize the rabid fans of the TWILIGHT series, Meyer said: “You would never guess the amazing adventures that the 30 pounds of muscle have in this universe I created!”

For Lautner, this new series gives him the opportunity to flex his muscles while acting, rather than flexing his acting muscles. “Acting is very difficult, so it’ll be great to be paid millions of dollars simply because I put on 30 pounds of muscle,” said the fakely-tanned star. When asked if his 30 pounds of muscle had any other ambitions after this spin-off ends, Lautner shrugged and then took off his shirt “to let his biceps breathe.”

The new spinoff series will likely feature the 30 pounds of muscle battling supernatural creatures like werewolves and vampires. Meyer has also hinted that the 30 pounds of muscle will also fight against another 30 pounds of muscle featured on a teen star yet to be cast. When asked about the reasoning behind this decision, Meyer simply said: “Cha-ching! Cha-ching!”

Lautner is looking forward to seeing his 30 pounds of muscle fight against another young man’s 30 pounds of muscle. “I think it will be hot to see my 30 pounds of muscle rubbing up against his, especially when we’re oiled up and well-lit,” said Lautner. Added Lautner: “I am a huge fan of muscle because I am an openly gay man.”

The 30 pounds of muscle denied any homosexual leanings, and is currently single and looking.