It is a shocking turn of events in the case, as most onlookers expected that Johnson died of a drug overdose. The heiress was a well-known drug user, which she used to fill the empty days and nights of her pointless existence.

The results of the autopsy have stunned Johnson’s family and friends. “I knew that Tila (Tequila) was nasty, but I had no idea that her vagina was so lethal to human life,” said famed lesbian phony Lindsay Lohan in a prepared statement. Fellow socialite Paris Hilton echoed Lohan’s shock, saying, “I told (Casey) that she needed to stick to deep throating dudes, and stay away from that chink bitch.”

While there has been no official word from Tequila on the matter, she has released 1.4 million tweets that reaffirm her innocence. The latest tweet read: “My pussy is clean, dammit. It don’t stink or nothing!” The coroner has said that these tweets cannot be used as evidence

In a recent interview, Lohan spoke at length about her career. In one of her more candid responses, Lohan talked about some of the people in her life who have provided inspiration during her rapid rise to superstardom.

“My mother has been a real strength to me in my life, but especially in my career,” Lohan said, adding, “I wouldn’t even know what a bronzer was if it hadn’t been for her.” Lohan was quick to dispel rumors of strife between the two entertainment icons. “My mother is, like, everything to me. We’re closer than sisters. Before Samantha (Ronson), I would even let my boyfriends sleep with her. Hell, I’d even let Samantha take a couple of licks, too!”

But Lohan, who has not done anything since 1999′s FREAKY FRIDAY, saved her most effusive praise for the one actor who has provided the blueprint for most of her career: Ryan O’Neal. Though a surprising choice, Lohan has good reasons to consider O’Neal to be a guiding light in the troubled waters of Hollywood.

“Look at Ryan,” said the actress, “He’s amazing! He hasn’t done anything at all except get drunk for almost forty years, and yet he still gets into the finest restaurants and bars, and tabloids still talk about him! That’s the kind of power I want to have in my career, and I’m working really hard to emulate his desire to work less and leech off of society.”

Lohan also named other similar inspirations, including Paris Hilton, the “guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell,” and Tom Arnold. Of Arnold in particular, Lohan gushed: “Look at how that guy mentions a sequel to TRUE LIES, like, every other year! That was two decades ago, and he’s still living off of it! Amazing!”

Lohan was keen to elaborate further, but a fight broke out between her and Samantha Ronson in front of a group of paparazzi.

In related news, Ryan O’Neal held a press conference this morning to announce a new reality show involving his renewed relationship with the corpse of Farrah Fawcett, which O’Neal had extracted from her grave just hours before. According to sources, the show will follow O’Neal’s grieving process as he comes to grips with the death of his meal ticket. The show has been picked up for nine seasons.