Private photographs leaked to The Enquirer show Poppycock engaged in various heterosexual sex acts with many different women. The photos paint a much different picture of the operatic Poppycock, who was widely assumed to be completely and utterly gay. In fact, Poppycock himself often pushed the idea of his homosexuality, presumably to further his career.

In a tense statement released today, Poppycock came clean about his heterosexual life. “I’m as straight as a two dollar bill, darling,” said the singer. He added that “there’s nothing I love more than pussy! I wish it would rain vaginas all day and night because I simply cannot get enough!” When asked why he pretended to be gay, Poppycock said that “being perceived gay is the best way to get attention and become successful, of course.”

For many Poppycock fans, the stunning announcement has ruined the fantasy. “I thought of him like a really super gay best friend,” said Allison Davis, a fan who came to every taping of America’s Got Talent, “and now that he’s straight, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.” Davis said that she has not seen the startling photographs of Poppycock engaged in heterosexual sex. “How could I look at that, or even want to see something like that?” asked Davis.

As for Poppycock’s career, most critics agree that this latest scandal will only hurt Poppycock’s chances. “Being a totally flamboyant, dick-craving fag was Poppycock’s whole act,” said Gail Mavis of T.V. Guide, “and without that, Poppycock is nothing more than a creepy straight guy in drag.”

Michael Jackson

The fans were initially upset to discover that Jackson had been sent to Hell by Almighty God, believing that the popular entertainer was innocent of all charges of statuatory rape while alive. When they pressed the Dark Lord for information, he responded through the Ouija board that Jackson had, indeed, molested many young children for many years and deserved the everlasting punishment.

While disturbed, the fans were encouraged by the glowing reviews Satan had of Jackson’s progress in eternal damnation. “Satan told us that Michael is now free to do what he loves best, which is molesting children, singing, and dancing. In that order,” said Adrienne Deroux, one of the women who attended the seance. She added that Satan seemed to really be happy to have such a tireless workaholic in Hell, since “many pedophiles stop once they get to Hell and feel guilty.” Jackson, however, feels “right at home,” said Deroux.

Deroux and her other friends said that Satan is looking forward to Roman Polanski’s impending death so that he can add statutory rape-a-thons to the next Olympics in Hell. Satan said he expects a close and furious competition between the two stars, but expects Jackson to eventually win given the fact that he is a serial pedophile who simply “could not fuck enough children, alive or dead,” said Satan.

The statement, read by Klein on several news outlets, detailed the sick perversion Jackson hid from the world. “I would like the world to know that I did not approve of Mr. Jackson’s repeated rapes of male Leprechauns,” said Klein in an interview, adding that Jackson “threatened (Klein) with actions up to and including rape if (he) ever revealed this secret.”

Klein did not reveal where Jackson met or acquired the Leprechauns needed for his habitual rapings. When asked how Jackson could rape anything largely believed to be a mythical creature, Klein simply said that he believed it to be true “in his heart of hearts. My friend, Michael Jackson, raped Leprechauns.”

Klein produced photographs of Jackson raping a Leprechaun to prove his slightly unbelievable story. Several sources came forward to question the validity of the photographs, noting the apparent pasting of Jackson’s face over a porn scene using Photoshop. Klein denied these allegations, claiming that he “doesn’t even know where Photoshop is.”

Joe Jackson was quick to denounce Klein’s assertions, claiming that Klein was only after more money and more attention. “We all know Michael only loved to rape young white boys, not leprechauns,” said Jackson in his late son’s defense. Afterwards, Jackson revealed exclusive photos of a young Michael being anally violated by alien donkeys. Jackson said the bidding for the photos begins at $250,000 a piece.

The entire Jackson family attended the gala event, which was taped for a special commemorative DVD and merchandising campaign to be released later this month. The accompanying three disc audio set will include the many musical numbers performed at the unveiling, including another reunion of the remaining Jackson Five members singing “My Sharona.”

Several child abuse groups also attended the unveiling in protest over the blatant depiction of anal sex with a minor in the life-sized statue. A tearful Tito Jackson addressed the demonstrators, telling them that Michael, “was a gentle soul who loved children and would never hurt them very much.” He also added that this statue is a fitting memorial to the late King of Pop, and would be “just what my brother would have wanted.”

When asked for a comment on the controversy, patriarch Joe Jackson defiantly stated, “Who gives a shit? We’re Jackson’s. We can do what we want, when we want.” He then mentioned a deal with Sony involving his fledgling record label.

The statue will be open to the public next month.