In a move that has shocked the entertainment world, Gosselin abandoned her eight children in a grocery store this morning after seeing a news camera crew doing a puff piece on the street corner. She followed them for several miles back to the studio, where she then spent several hours attempting to wedge herself in front of the camera lens.

When reminded that her children were stranded alone at the store, Kate said: “Who cares about them anymore? They are too young to operate video equipment and film me.” The police were called, and Kate was taken to jail for child endangerment.

Before her arrest, Kate managed to set up several press conferences regarding this latest chapter in the Gosselin saga that has the nation spellbound. In regards to the welfare of the children, Kate said that she’s “tired of the whining and neediness of children.” She also mentioned how difficult it was for her to keep up with a hectic schedule of daytime talk show appearances when she had “these burdens in my life,” adding that “something had to give. And that happens to be those (expletive) kids.”

Aside from the constant care they required, Kate mentioned that the children never noticed the work she did around them. “I would change my hairstyle every day,” said Gosselin, “and they never noticed it. I miss the days when I would color my hair or alter my bangs and it would be front-page news all over the world.” Added Gosselin: “If my kids can’t give me the kind of attention the whole world gives me, then who needs them?”

Police could not confirm whether or not the children will be returned to their mother, but it seems unlikely in light of the remarks Kate made at the press conference when she said, “If they force those kids on me, I will videotape me eating them alive.” When asked why, Kate only said one word: “Press.”

When asked for a comment on this latest shocking development, Jon Gosselin removed his face from the vagina of a nameless sixteen year old and said, “What kids?”

The change is unsurprising considering the channel’s recent programming. “We basically only show episodes of Operation Repo anyway, so the change is basically just cosmetic in nature,” said head of programming Frank Turner. Thanks to the four new viewers the channel has gained with the change in programming, TruTV has passed the Catholic channel as the second least watched channel on cable television.

The increase in viewership is no surprise to Turner. “People love to see real-life confrontation, as well as freaks,” said Turner, “and our full lineup of reposession shows provides viewers with both.” Turner concedes that the channels’ previous programming left much to be desired. “That old court television lineup would bore a dead ostrich,” said Turner.

Despite the fact that the channel is supposed to cover a wide variety of reality programming, it settled on its current lineup of repo shows when it was decided that it was the only profession interesting enough to cover on a daily basis. The four new viewers seem to verify this idea.

Turner said he has no plans to add any other types of reality programming to the lineup. “Why fix what ain’t broke,” said Turner proudly.

“Being a devout Christian and animal lover, I was uncomfortable with sacrificing any animal to a foreign god or goddess,” said Montag at a recent book signing. “But after Spencer slit the throat of that first goat and the money started rolling in, I knew in my heart that what I was doing was right.”

For Pratt, the moral implications never crossed his mind. “Fuck God, fuck animal rights, and fuck everything else. Fame is all I want,” said Pratt. “I’d light my own mother on fire and fuck her in the ass as she burns to death if it meant getting any kind of attention.” Fortunately Pratt has yet to need such extreme measures. “Thanks to sacrificing a goat to Baal, my mother can remain alive,” said Pratt without a smile.

For Lance Carter, head psychologist at the Motion Picture Association Center For The Criminally Insane, the methods used by Montag and Pratt are signs of seriously deranged minds. “I’m not sure if they were breastfed long enough, or never held, or what it might be,” said Carter, “but it’s clear that they have a pathological need for attention that resembles an abandoned baby in emotional distress.”

Pratt and Montag scoff at such assertions. “We simply need to be famous, and killing a goat is one of the methods we use to achieve that,” said Montag. Added Pratt: “It’s not like we have an education or any intelligence to rely on.” Then, smiling, Pratt added that “I’m too good looking to work at Taco Bell.”

With the revelation of their fame technique, PETA and other animal rights organizations fear a rash of copycat attempts. The controversy has caused demonstrations wherever the couple are scheduled to appear. But for Pratt, this is just part of the master’s plan. “Our Lord Baal continues to bless us with publicity and media attention, so them ‘em demonstrate,” said Pratt, “and we’ll keep getting on talk shows and Perez Hilton. We will never go away.”

Baal had no comment for this story.