In the worthless days before Jersey Shore (known on the Julian calendar as B.J.S.), young people were known to be energetic and athletic go-getters who were always on the run. That annoying and pointless quality of youth was thankfully curbed once Jersey Shore premiered. Teenagers who watched the MTV show thrilled to the adventures of Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, J-Woww, and Ronnie as they loafed around every day and made stupid jokes.

Since the new season takes place in Italy, Jeffress promises some “nice antique furniture inlaid with gold” that Ronnie can slouch on while crying all day. He also considered putting in “one of those short Japanese table things that the boys can put their sneakers on when they really need to kick back and relax,” said Jeffress.

Critics have unanimously praised the new show. “There are so many more places to watch the cast sleep and rest,” said television critic Gail Pennington. Renowned critic Mary McNamara called the new season “profoundly satisfying and intriguing,” adding that the new shows ”will probably usher in the next level of evolution in the human species.”

The new season starts tonight.

Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite!

Lady Gaga's new promotional photos reveal shocking truths about the singer

The pictures were taken as part of Lady Gaga’s endless promotional push for her new album, Born This Way. In the photo, given exclusively to Celebrity Freakshow, a seductively-posed Gaga poses with her rear end turned erotically to the camera, revealing large male genitalia tucked discreetly between her legs.

In an accompanying interview, Gaga explains why she felt pressure to reveal her male genitalia to the world. “I am constantly preaching to people that they should be honest about their sexuality, and the whole time I was strapping my dick down with duct tape and padding my underwear so nobody would see it,” admitted the pop star through mascara-streaked tears. She added that she “felt like a hypocrite.”

Critics of the media-manipulating diva have complained that this revelation is simply another ploy for attention. A newly-honest Gaga admits that’s true. “I simply cannot get enough attention and  controversy,” said Gaga, “and I’ll do whatever is necessary to keep people talking about me all the time. I’d shove a leprous pygmy in my ass if it meant one more mention in Rolling Stone magazine or TMZ.”

When asked how she will ever top the media circus spawned by these photos of her cock and balls, Gaga, after a long pause, simply said, “I dunno … maybe kill someone?”

An artist's rendering of what the royal consummation might look like.

As is customary, the prince and his new bride must consummate their vows in front of an audience in order to “seal the deal.” In the past, this royal consummation would take place in front of the royal family in the royal bed chamber in relative privacy. However, given the high level of interest in this marriage and the subsequent revenue streams it has produced, the royal family has decided to televise the moment for the enjoyment and awe of the whole world.

Experts predict that it might be several months before the event happens, given the inability of most British men to become effectively aroused by a human female. This is especially true of the offspring of Prince Charles, who famously could not consummate his marriage with Princess Diana after many years. As many shamefully remember, Charles instead chose to eventually mount the female centaur known as Camilla Parker Bowles. Experts fear that the balding Prince William may have inherited some of his father’s impotency as well.

When it does happen, however, audiences are sure to be thrilled. Pamela Brinkerton, head of the William And Kate Triumphal Love Fan Club predicts that the moment of consummation will be at once romantic and seductive. “When he sticks his royal penis into her royal vagina while mounting her royally in the doggie style position, it will be like watching a real life fairy tale,” said Brinkerton breathlessly.

Media watchers expect the consummation to shatter the viewing audience record set by the wedding itself, mainly because, unlike the wedding, there will be so many men watching it as well. “Men aren’t interested in fairy tale weddings,” said television’s Dr. Drew Pinsky, “but they are interested in watching Kate get mouth raped by William and then having a royal load shot all over her face.” Bets are currently being made in Las Vegas as to whether Kate takes it in the ass during the royal consummation.

When asked for a comment, the Queen said that she appreciated the tremendous interest in her grandson’s consummation because “that means we won’t get kicked out of our castle and forced to live on the street like Commoners.”

Pictures surfaced this weekend of Tyler engaged in transsexual sex with a young black male. Most shocking, however, was the revelation that Tyler himself was the transsexual in the tryst. The pictures, taken on a trip to the Orient, show a pre-op Tyler mounting and inserting his erect penis into the black boy, who appears to be in pain. The photographs reveal Tyler’s large, supple breasts and curvaceous figure, which he has cleverly concealed over the years with eccentric veils and scarves that many thought were simply rock star apparel.

Tyler mounts an anoymous black male in this exclusive leaked pic

For Tyler’s female fans, this is stunning news. “I used to throw my panties at him in concert,” said Alyssa Jamieson, a long-time Aerosmith fan. Jamieson used to imagine that Tyler kept them as a souvenir, but now she realizes that “he probably took them home and tried them on.” Male fans were less shocked. “I always thought he looked a little too pretty,” said Derek Houlk, a fan of Aerosmith from Michigan, quickly adding, “for a guy, I mean.”

Tyler’s bandmates in Aerosmith were not surprised by the photos. In a statement, guitarist Joe Perry said that “it was about fucking time (Tyler) came out with it,” adding that he didn’t care what Tyler did “just as long as he doesn’t come at me with that weird shemale shit.” The other members of Aerosmith had no comment because nobody knows who they are or care what they think about anything. 

Most fans seem to be slowly accepting the news with a bit of resignation. “I still love the music, and Steven is cool with me,” said 45 year old Natalie Brooks, “although I’m not sure I ever want to hear Dude Looks Like A Lady ever again.”

But a paparazzi photograph threatens to shatter that wholesome illusion.

Bieber and Gomez were surprised by photographers as they engaged in illicit sexual conduct in a car in the Hollywood Hills after a romantic dinner celebrating Bieber’s 17th birthday Tuesday night. The couple pulled apart just as paparazzi descended on the car and snapped this picture:

Eyewitnesses say that Bieber was fingering Gomez’s vagina when the picture was taken. According to photographer Lyle Grallen, the substance on Bieber’s finger proves the picture is authentic. “The bean dip and cheese could only come from Selena’s vagina,” said Grallen, “because there wasn’t any kind of nacho appetizer in the vehicle.”

For Grallen and others, the picture really captures the exact moment of Bieber’s lost innocence. “You can see the look of disgust on his cherubic face as he realizes that he just pulled bean dip out of her vagina,” said Grallen, adding that “the mistake of fingering a Mexican will haunt his career and sex life forever.”

As for Gomez, she was clearly embarrassed by the moment. “Selena was shocked that her intricately-plotted scheme to ensnare Justin had been foiled by us,” said fellow photographer Gene McKibben, referring to a Celebrity Freakshow exclusive news report about Gomez’s attempts to marry Bieber and become a legal U.S. citizen. McKibben added that “she also seemed really embarrassed by the overpowering smell of burnt beans wafting out of her pussy.”

Reps for both stars denied the allegations, and would not comment on a Wednesday morning grocery shopping trip by Bieber to pick up some jalapeno peppers and Tostitos.

Brett Favre's penis, speaking to a reporter at yesterday's press conference

Favre’s penis achieved fame last year after many, many exposures when photos of the shriveled, insignificant flap of skin found their way onto the internet. The glamorous snapshots were taken by Favre himself, who was attempting to win the affections of Jenn Sterger. The penis quickly became one of Google’s most sought-after body part searches, ranking just under Paris Hilton’s vagina from every angle imaginable, and just above the term “Madonna zombie arms.”

“Fame has been a tremendous burden,” said Favre’s penis into a large, girthy microphone that dwarfed the tiny appendage. Favre’s penis also said that it “should not be required to carry the responsibility of boosting the egos of men everywhere.” It then vomited a yellowish substance in what the publicist of Favre’s penis called “nervous prematurity.”

When asked if this announcement was a definitive retirement, Favre’s penis replied, “I think so. Yeah, probably.” But then, with a one-eyed wink, the penis added: “But you never know when one lucky lady might receive a picture of me in the future. You can’t keep this star down!”

As these exclusive pictures show, Bieber enjoys the close companionship of a larger black man named Roscoe Jenkins who functions as both his bodyguard and sexual top.

As Bieber said in a world-exclusive email interview, he has been carrying on an intimate relationship with Roscoe ever since he first became famous. “Roscoe has been my bodyguard and my gay lover for two years,” said Bieber. Multiple pictures have surfaced of the pair cavorting around together, often with Bieber draped in Roscoe’s loving arms. Bieber said that he “never knew true love until he was held and violated by a black man.”

Justin and Roscoe made their relationship known last month with this public display of affection.

The pair went public last month when this photograph was taken of the two cuddling in each other’s arms at a concert. Shocked fans were reduced to heavy sobbing as they realized that their gorgeous teen heartthrob was really the bottom bitch for a 360 pound black man.

Bieber’s mother, currently being investigated for child endangerment, told Celebrity Freakshow that she had no idea that her mop-haired son was sexually servicing a well-hung Negro male. “I just want him to be happy,” said the negligent mother, “and apparently black dick makes Justin very, very happy.”

Rumors are swirling that the pair will soon become engaged to be married in whatever state allows gay marriage that particular month. Close associates of the pair say that, while Roscoe is ready to get married tomorrow, Justin is waiting anxiously for Roscoe to get an actual job and “stop being a broke-ass nigga.” Friends expect a long engagement.

Now the pint-size, button-nosed singer is attempting to eradicate his homosexual leanings with a controversial conversion therapy technique known as “making out with women.” The process, advocated by gay conversion groups such as the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), involves suspected gays socializing and becoming intimate with women in order to stimulate proper thoughts in the minds of openly gay men.

Last week, Bieber showed up at a Hooters in Canada for a surprise test of his ability to control his homosexuality. Hooters, which is a well-known restaurant chain famous for its sex appeal to heterosexual men, was chosen as the perfect place for Bieber to stimulate proper sexual thoughts and perhaps even get an erection for a female.

Justin, dressed in black, can barely contain his disgust as he touches scantily-clad women

Unfortunately, the test was unsuccessful. Bieber arrived dressed head-to-toe in black, openly demonstrating his lack of desire for female attention. Several of the waitresses expressed how, during the picture-taking process, Bieber often seemed agitated whenever he was forced to touch one of them, and in between shoots would go over and talk to a heterosexual male sitting at one of the booths. They eventually left together.

Bieber and Villegas attempt kissing to cure him. Bieber vomited shortly after these pics were taken.

Over the weekend Bieber made another valiant attempt to become attracted to girls when he tried to make out with Jasmine Villegas, another teen singer currently on tour with Bieber. After crawling into the back of a Honda, Bieber gave Villegas several quick pecks before hunching over and vomiting onto the floorboards. Villegas said that the experience was “one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.” She also added that “the huge sums of money paid to me by (Justin) to kiss him made it all worthwhile.”

These first failures are common, says Pastor Jonathan Russell of NARTH. “Women are disgusting creatures, so it’s natural for men to be revolted by the thought of kissing them or touching them intimately,” said Russell while clutching a copy of Enormous Dicks Vol. 4. Russell said that, if Bieber continues with the program, he can expect to be cured of his homosexuality within six to eight months.

Bieber’s representative did not return calls from Celebrity Freakshow regarding this story. They did not provide any details as to how this change might affect Bieber’s upcoming biography, which, as we exclusively reported last month, details Bieber’s experiences with homosexual sex.

Private photographs leaked to The Enquirer show Poppycock engaged in various heterosexual sex acts with many different women. The photos paint a much different picture of the operatic Poppycock, who was widely assumed to be completely and utterly gay. In fact, Poppycock himself often pushed the idea of his homosexuality, presumably to further his career.

In a tense statement released today, Poppycock came clean about his heterosexual life. “I’m as straight as a two dollar bill, darling,” said the singer. He added that “there’s nothing I love more than pussy! I wish it would rain vaginas all day and night because I simply cannot get enough!” When asked why he pretended to be gay, Poppycock said that “being perceived gay is the best way to get attention and become successful, of course.”

For many Poppycock fans, the stunning announcement has ruined the fantasy. “I thought of him like a really super gay best friend,” said Allison Davis, a fan who came to every taping of America’s Got Talent, “and now that he’s straight, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.” Davis said that she has not seen the startling photographs of Poppycock engaged in heterosexual sex. “How could I look at that, or even want to see something like that?” asked Davis.

As for Poppycock’s career, most critics agree that this latest scandal will only hurt Poppycock’s chances. “Being a totally flamboyant, dick-craving fag was Poppycock’s whole act,” said Gail Mavis of T.V. Guide, “and without that, Poppycock is nothing more than a creepy straight guy in drag.”