Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite!

Lady Gaga's new promotional photos reveal shocking truths about the singer

The pictures were taken as part of Lady Gaga’s endless promotional push for her new album, Born This Way. In the photo, given exclusively to Celebrity Freakshow, a seductively-posed Gaga poses with her rear end turned erotically to the camera, revealing large male genitalia tucked discreetly between her legs.

In an accompanying interview, Gaga explains why she felt pressure to reveal her male genitalia to the world. “I am constantly preaching to people that they should be honest about their sexuality, and the whole time I was strapping my dick down with duct tape and padding my underwear so nobody would see it,” admitted the pop star through mascara-streaked tears. She added that she “felt like a hypocrite.”

Critics of the media-manipulating diva have complained that this revelation is simply another ploy for attention. A newly-honest Gaga admits that’s true. “I simply cannot get enough attention and  controversy,” said Gaga, “and I’ll do whatever is necessary to keep people talking about me all the time. I’d shove a leprous pygmy in my ass if it meant one more mention in Rolling Stone magazine or TMZ.”

When asked how she will ever top the media circus spawned by these photos of her cock and balls, Gaga, after a long pause, simply said, “I dunno … maybe kill someone?”

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Carey discussed how difficult it’s been over the last couple of years to carry around full-grown children in her stomach. “Those little suckers have grown so fast,” said Carey, rubbing her enormous belly, “and they weigh a ton, too. I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever!”The singer admits to gaining “four hundred pounds” on her already-ample frame, which “gives those little buggers room to move around,” said Carey.

Although criticized for never actually giving birth to her twins at the natural nine-month window, Carey and husband Nick Cannon insist that it’s been for the best. “We‘ve saved a lot of money on clothing by simply keeping them inside of me,” said Carey. Cannon added that it makes parenting a snap, since the children are kept out of sight and therefore out of mind.

Carey said the real challenge comes later in life, when her unborn twins find a mate and wish to get married. “I have no idea what we’ll do then,” said Carey, gripping Cannon’s hand tightly. “I’m big, but not big enough for all of that!”

Pictures surfaced this weekend of Tyler engaged in transsexual sex with a young black male. Most shocking, however, was the revelation that Tyler himself was the transsexual in the tryst. The pictures, taken on a trip to the Orient, show a pre-op Tyler mounting and inserting his erect penis into the black boy, who appears to be in pain. The photographs reveal Tyler’s large, supple breasts and curvaceous figure, which he has cleverly concealed over the years with eccentric veils and scarves that many thought were simply rock star apparel.

Tyler mounts an anoymous black male in this exclusive leaked pic

For Tyler’s female fans, this is stunning news. “I used to throw my panties at him in concert,” said Alyssa Jamieson, a long-time Aerosmith fan. Jamieson used to imagine that Tyler kept them as a souvenir, but now she realizes that “he probably took them home and tried them on.” Male fans were less shocked. “I always thought he looked a little too pretty,” said Derek Houlk, a fan of Aerosmith from Michigan, quickly adding, “for a guy, I mean.”

Tyler’s bandmates in Aerosmith were not surprised by the photos. In a statement, guitarist Joe Perry said that “it was about fucking time (Tyler) came out with it,” adding that he didn’t care what Tyler did “just as long as he doesn’t come at me with that weird shemale shit.” The other members of Aerosmith had no comment because nobody knows who they are or care what they think about anything. 

Most fans seem to be slowly accepting the news with a bit of resignation. “I still love the music, and Steven is cool with me,” said 45 year old Natalie Brooks, “although I’m not sure I ever want to hear Dude Looks Like A Lady ever again.”

But a paparazzi photograph threatens to shatter that wholesome illusion.

Bieber and Gomez were surprised by photographers as they engaged in illicit sexual conduct in a car in the Hollywood Hills after a romantic dinner celebrating Bieber’s 17th birthday Tuesday night. The couple pulled apart just as paparazzi descended on the car and snapped this picture:

Eyewitnesses say that Bieber was fingering Gomez’s vagina when the picture was taken. According to photographer Lyle Grallen, the substance on Bieber’s finger proves the picture is authentic. “The bean dip and cheese could only come from Selena’s vagina,” said Grallen, “because there wasn’t any kind of nacho appetizer in the vehicle.”

For Grallen and others, the picture really captures the exact moment of Bieber’s lost innocence. “You can see the look of disgust on his cherubic face as he realizes that he just pulled bean dip out of her vagina,” said Grallen, adding that “the mistake of fingering a Mexican will haunt his career and sex life forever.”

As for Gomez, she was clearly embarrassed by the moment. “Selena was shocked that her intricately-plotted scheme to ensnare Justin had been foiled by us,” said fellow photographer Gene McKibben, referring to a Celebrity Freakshow exclusive news report about Gomez’s attempts to marry Bieber and become a legal U.S. citizen. McKibben added that “she also seemed really embarrassed by the overpowering smell of burnt beans wafting out of her pussy.”

Reps for both stars denied the allegations, and would not comment on a Wednesday morning grocery shopping trip by Bieber to pick up some jalapeno peppers and Tostitos.

An Instant Partnership

The mole of Enrique Iglesias considers itself one of the most important factors in the instant success of the Latin heartthrob. “I was his childhood friend,” said the mole, fondly reminiscing, “we used to spend so many days together writing great music.” Once success found the duo, the mole began suspecting something was wrong. “Enrique started turning his head to the right in videos, trying to limit my exposure to the camera,” said the mole. It added: “That was the beginning of the end.”

A Fateful Appointment

One day in 2007, Enrique approached his partner about a scheduled doctor’s visit. “Enrique said he wanted to have me seen by a specialist because we had been tanning a lot and I was turning colors,” said the mole wistfully. While the tests returned inconclusive, Enrique became distant. “We weren’t writing songs together much at that time,” said the mole, “and Enrique was always putting heavy pancake makeup on me to disguise my presence, even though he said he just wanted to try something new visually.”

The End Of A Partnership

The mole recalls the day they broke up as if it just happened yesterday. “Enrique said we were going to get some ice cream, and suddenly I fell asleep,” recalled the mole, “and when I awoke, I was separated from his face.” Enrique left the operating room that day and never looked back. “I haven’t spoken to him or seen him since he tricked me,” said the mole.

Music doesn’t come easily these days for the singer/songwriter/mole since the breakup. “Enrique and I were a team, almost feeding off of each other,” said the mole, “and I don’t understand why he would break up that kind of rare magic.” The mole is quick to point out that Enrique hasn’t done well without the mole firmly attached to his face. “Have you heard the shit he’s put out since? It’s awful,” said the mole.

Enrique Iglesias had no comment.

The photo shows Bieber stripping away the last vestiges of manly attire and publicly exposing a moist, swollen vagina. Bieber then took to his Twitter feed to explain this revelation to his fans. “Yo, girl, you know I want you, but I got this puss-ay, too,” said Bieber cryptically. Mexican beard Gomez also reassured fans that Bieber hadn’t changed. “Justin is en fuego whether he has a pussy or a dick!” said Gomez.

Shocked and bewildered fans mostly rejected the revelation, preferring Bieber to remain a sexless singing automaton. “How can I love him if he has a slit?” asked 13 year old  Jennie Parks. Demonstrations broke out in several cities, where pubescent girls brought Bieber albums covered in mentrual blood to be burned in roaring fires. ” I loved Justin for a whole year,” sobbed Natalie Rogerson, “and now I feel like the whole Justin Bieber phenomenon was one big lie.”

A spokesperson for Bieber said the singer will undergo a name change, henceforth performing as Justine Bieber.

Ke$ha's vagina disgorges an unknown substance during a concert in Kansas City, MO

NEW YORK – The EPA, the FDA, and the NAACP combined forces today to pass an emergency bill calling for a quarantine of pop star Ke$ha following last night’s environmental catastrophe at her concert in Kansas City, MO. While lip-syncing her hit We R Who We R, the young superstar queefed on the front row, disgorging a badly-decomposed human hand, a Louisiana license plate, a pound of glitter, and a yet-undetermined green and foul-smelling substance.

 Ralph Jamieson, head of the EPA and real music fan, said that the substances discharged by Ke$ha “pose a significant threat to the environment and life on this planet.” The FDA was forced to join with the EPA once it was discovered that the noxious substance oozing from Ke$ha “could not be overcome with modern medicine,” said Howard Pilkingston, senior advisor to the medicinal watchdog. Meanwhile, Jerome “J-Dawg” Watkins , current “Head Pimp” at the NAACP, said his organization became involved because “dat bitch is nasty!”

Forensic scientists have been called in from across the country to determine the source of the human hand that fell out of Ke$ha’s vagina onstage. Sources close to the singer believe it to be former roadie Brandon Halperin, who disappeared after a whiskey-fueled fisting session in Ke$ha’s tour bus last year. As for the curious expulsion of a Louisiana license plate, Matt Hooper of the National Oceanographic Institute believes it indicates that “Ke$ha infiltrated the United States by swimming up the gulf stream.”

While tests are being conducted, Ke$ha has been ordered to remain in her trailer, where she can subsist on her ample supply of Jack Daniels, cigarette butts, and watermelon glitter lip gloss. All remaining dates on her concert tour have been cancelled due to the crisis. Officials have no time table for Ke$ha’s return, although Jamieson said that it could be quite a while “because we’re not in any hurry to hear her voice again.”

Perry’s husband, actor and supposed comedian Russell Brand, told reporters that the picture was taken from a sex tape the pair had made shortly after their mind-boggling wedding last year. Brand admitted that he needs Perry to imitate celebrities in order to reach climax, which he usually does on her face.

According to Brand, the picture captures Perry as she was imitating Jay Leno. Brand said that Perry looks a lot like the talk show host “when she isn’t buried beneath thick pancake makeup,” and that she can imitate the reigning king of late night “at least as well as Jimmy Kimmel.”

Brand found Perry’s imitation more than a little arousing. “When she started talking in his voice and doing an imitation of his ten questions segment,” said Brand, “I immediately ejaculated right in her eyeball.” He added that the experience was “incredibly hot.”

In a related story, critics found Brand’s admission to be the funniest thing he has ever said by far.

As these exclusive pictures show, Bieber enjoys the close companionship of a larger black man named Roscoe Jenkins who functions as both his bodyguard and sexual top.

As Bieber said in a world-exclusive email interview, he has been carrying on an intimate relationship with Roscoe ever since he first became famous. “Roscoe has been my bodyguard and my gay lover for two years,” said Bieber. Multiple pictures have surfaced of the pair cavorting around together, often with Bieber draped in Roscoe’s loving arms. Bieber said that he “never knew true love until he was held and violated by a black man.”

Justin and Roscoe made their relationship known last month with this public display of affection.

The pair went public last month when this photograph was taken of the two cuddling in each other’s arms at a concert. Shocked fans were reduced to heavy sobbing as they realized that their gorgeous teen heartthrob was really the bottom bitch for a 360 pound black man.

Bieber’s mother, currently being investigated for child endangerment, told Celebrity Freakshow that she had no idea that her mop-haired son was sexually servicing a well-hung Negro male. “I just want him to be happy,” said the negligent mother, “and apparently black dick makes Justin very, very happy.”

Rumors are swirling that the pair will soon become engaged to be married in whatever state allows gay marriage that particular month. Close associates of the pair say that, while Roscoe is ready to get married tomorrow, Justin is waiting anxiously for Roscoe to get an actual job and “stop being a broke-ass nigga.” Friends expect a long engagement.

Obama said Bieber "represented the kind of change we needed from the change we got two years ago."

WASHINGTON – In a controversial move, President Obama today removed Timothy Geithner from his post as Secretary of Treasury and replaced him with pop superstar Justin Bieber.

According to sources close to the President, the move follows a series of disastrous news reports chronicling both the fading economy and the President’s own falling approval ratings. In a statement, President Obama cited Geithner’s “unwillingness to give me more money” as the primary reason for his ouster.

In choosing Bieber, Obama cited his ability to “secure vast, unstoppable fountains of money with his looks and marginal singing talents,” which Obama promised would be used “for the good of lazy black people everywhere.” Additionally, the President also mentioned Bieber’s appeal to younger generations, which the President desperately needs as he approaches the 2012 elections. “I’ve lost most of my fans because of the last two years of financial irresponsibility on my part, and so it’s time to win new fans who know nothing about mismanaging government,” said the President. He also said that, at the very least, the move will gain him some new friends on Facebook.

Bieber seems eager to get to work. “Man, it’s like, you know, cool and stuff,” said Bieber to a packed media room at the White House. He reassured the nation that he would right the economic woes that have nearly crippled the country. “Listen, girl, you know, it’s like, tough and stuff, but together, I know we can make it, like, through,” said Bieber. The pint-sized pop star promised to get to work just as soon as his self-penned, Pulitzer-winning book hits stores this fall.

When asked why he chose Bieber, who is a 16 year old boy with no apparent intelligence, the President began screaming, “Because somebody has to do something, goddammit! Oh please, God, help me! Somebody do something!!”

In possibly related news, U.S. suicides reached a one-day high.