In the worthless days before Jersey Shore (known on the Julian calendar as B.J.S.), young people were known to be energetic and athletic go-getters who were always on the run. That annoying and pointless quality of youth was thankfully curbed once Jersey Shore premiered. Teenagers who watched the MTV show thrilled to the adventures of Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, J-Woww, and Ronnie as they loafed around every day and made stupid jokes.

Since the new season takes place in Italy, Jeffress promises some “nice antique furniture inlaid with gold” that Ronnie can slouch on while crying all day. He also considered putting in “one of those short Japanese table things that the boys can put their sneakers on when they really need to kick back and relax,” said Jeffress.

Critics have unanimously praised the new show. “There are so many more places to watch the cast sleep and rest,” said television critic Gail Pennington. Renowned critic Mary McNamara called the new season “profoundly satisfying and intriguing,” adding that the new shows ”will probably usher in the next level of evolution in the human species.”

The new season starts tonight.

A distraught Casey Anthony after being found not guilty

ORLANDO – The entire nation sat in stunned disbelief yesterday as a jury in Orlando, Florida found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her little daughter Caylee and dumping her tiny body in a swamp. Now a free woman, Casey Anthony has a verdict for the jury: “You’re a bunch of morons.”

The infamous “Tot Mom” broke her three years of silence after a group of her peers cleared her of any wrongdoing in the disappearance and death of two year old Caylee in 2008. The murder case garnered national attention thanks to the peculiar remorselessness shown by Caylee’s mother Casey Anthony, as well as the litany of lies that she spun to cover over her daughter’s death.

Casey explained that those lies were all part of the plan. “I wanted to be caught and convicted of being a murderer,” said Casey from her Orlando cell, ” and these idiots on the jury foiled my plans.” Casey said that she tried to make up as many stories as possible in order to make the decision quick and easy. “What did they even need to think about?” asked Casey rhetorically.

After drugging and suffocating Caylee to death, Casey says she left the body in the car “for several days” in order to “really get it nice and smelly” so that family and police would suspect her immediately. When that didn’t work, Casey drove down the street and tossed Caylee along the side of the road “so that it would be obvious that I killed her and disposed of her in the most awful way imaginable.”

Casey then put a cherry on top of her conviction. “I lied repeatedly to everyone I met during that time. Every single one of the 1,500 people searching for Caylee got a different story from me so that I would look as guilty as possible,” said Casey, cackling wildly. The various stories and lies prevented police from finding Caylee’s body until months later, which ultimately proved Casey’s undoing. “Since the body was so decomposed, they couldn’t prove how I killed her,” said Casey remorsefully, adding, “I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier.”

The trial, assumed to be a slam-dunk for Casey and the prosecution, turned against Casey in the end. “I couldn’t believe they acquitted me of everything,” said Casey incredulously. Even the charges of child negligence were dropped. “I mean, I was the mother and the child died and I cannot give a reasonable explanation of how – you’d think they would AT LEAST charge me with that!” muttered Casey.

But the world hasn’t heard the last of this notorious child killing machine. “Fuck it – I’ll have another kid and kill it, too – maybe they’ll finally get it right!” said Casey defiantly.

Singer Christina Aguilera defiant at press conference after flubbing the words to the National Anthem

Most Americans were shocked and disgusted by Christina Aguilera’s omission of a line during her performance of the National Anthem at yesterday’s Super Bowl. To those people, Aguilera has only two words: “Who cares?”

That terse statement was the response from Aguilera in a hastily-organized press conference this afternoon. The singer and Razzie award nominated actress appeared unconcerned following her performance in front of 100 million people, when she completely removed a couplet from the 200 year old anthem of the United States. The song is considered one of the greatest musical beacons of freedom and liberty in the world.

Except, apparently, to Aguilera. A defiant Aguilera defended her mistake. “It’s like old and stuff,” said Aguilera as she applied another coat of thick red lipstick to her mouth. “Besides, who cares?” she added.

Aguilera said that the most important aspect of the song “isn’t the lyrics, but how loud you can scream into the microphone,” she said. “Nobody listens to those lyrics. They’re, like, way too old and they barely mean anything,” stated Aguilera between lipstick applications. “Singing the Star Spangled whatever-it’s-called is all about reaching as many notes as possible, or maybe causing hearing loss or seizures,” she added.

Critics pointed out that Aguilera not only messed up the lyrics to a song considered sacred by many Americans, but also defiled it with a performance that sounded, as one critic pointed out, like “a parakeet giving birth to a fiery armadillo while being stabbed with barbs dipped in a neurotoxin.” In response, Aguilera simply said, “Eat shit.”

Following the news conference, Aguilera went to her hotel room, got drunk, and had sex with multiple men on an American flag before vomiting stale beer and ejaculate all over it and passing out. Representatives for the singer had no further comment.

Doctors were baffled by the symptoms exhibited by Sheen, which included a persistent nosebleed, profuse sweating, nervousness, shaking limbs, and inflamed sores all over his genitalia and mouth. Hospital spokesperson Holly Mortenstein said that the odd set of ailments “were not consistent with any known viral or bacterial agents.” She added that the infection “might be the start of a new plague that will threaten mankind.”

Charlie Sheen being resuscitated by an emergency handjob. The white powder under his nose has nothing to do with cocaine, say doctors.

Several gossip sites have forwarded the hypothesis that Sheen is, in fact, a raving cocaine fiend and hopelessly addicted to having raunchy sex with diseased prostitutes. Mortenstein refuted such allegations, citing contradictory evidence such as the fact that Sheen “is a famous star” who “has millions of dollars in the bank with which he could afford to have such slanderers killed.” Added Mortensen: “We see no evidence that Mr. Sheen is suffering from an addiction to cocaine or whores. He’s too rich and famous for that.”

Fan Abbey Johnson, though, has only the hope that Sheen recovers from his illness. “Charlie is too rich and famous for something so unfair to happen to him,” she said, adding that she’s “relieved that the doctors have determined that it isn’t related to drugs or prostitution, because that’s just not the actor I know and love.”

Continuing where he left off during Elizabeth’s life, Edwards plans on shaming his former wife by marrying his longtime mistress Rielle Hunter in a public ceremony in the turned dirt directly above her casket. “Elizabeth died of cancer before I could really make her life miserable,” said Edwards in an exclusive interview, “so I want to make her afterlife a living Hell.”

Friends say the happy couple have been practicing for weeks over Elizabeth's freshly-dug grave

Edwards shocked the nation when the politician, who was at the time running for the Democratic nomination for President, was revealed to be having an affair with Hunter while his wife battled cancer. In subsequent months Edwards shrugged off the controversy, often citing that he “wasn’t the one with cancer” and that Elizabeth “would be dead soon anyway so who cares?” Many consider his cruel attitude to be one of the reasons why Edwards never received the nomination.

While most pundits think Edwards’ plan to marry his mistress over the rapidly-cooling corpse of his former wife is a bad idea, Edwards remains defiant. “Who cares what everyone thinks?” asked the potential Presidential nominee. “If I want to humiliate the ghost of my cancerous ex-wife, then I’ll do it.” Edwards then, with a smile, added, “we will have a long time to win over everyone anyway, because we don’t have cancer.”

Simon & Schuster representative Art Green described the writing process as “creative” and “emotionally draining.” He said that Snooki “would enter a windowless white room, disrobe, and start flinging her own feces at the walls.” Green said that, after a few hours, word-like pictures would appear in the feces that would be written down for mass consumption.

When inspiration failed her, Snooki would draw random Scrabble letters from a Gucci bag which would occasionally form intelligible words. According to Green, Snooki continued to write the book even during her off time. “Snooki would sometimes get entire chapters of the book written in one night by having multiple men write words on her stomach using their ejaculate,” said Green.

Green provided Celebrity Freakshow with this exclusive excerpt:

“Dick apple at fall stain hair ooooo gray cunt lollipop.”

Green insists that Simon & Schuster is not releasing this book to cash in on Snooki’s bewildering rise to fame. “We are publishing this work as a inspiration to mentally-handicapped people everywhere,” said Green, adding that “if Snooki can write a book despite having the intelligence of maggot shit, then anyone can do it.”

The book hits stores in January.

LaBeouf units stand ready to be shipped out to families in need of bland entertainment.

With its plasticine, featureless face and bland personality, actor/android Shia LaBeouf has won the hearts of millions of moviegoers with programmed performances in films like Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull. Now fans can have that formless nothingness in their homes when they purchase a Shia LaBeouf android.

“As an exact replica, fans can expect Shia to wave and smile a lot, as well as repeat certain phrases forever,” said director and entrepreneur Steven Spielberg. While the director admits to overusing the android in many films over the last four years, he stressed that it was all in the name of fine-tuning the product. Said Spielberg: “I gave up making real films a long time ago. Most of my recent films have been test beds for various products that will add to my financial security.”

The Shia LaBeouf model does not have a penis

At Spielberg’s insistence, the LaBeouf robot was given the Transformers franchise despite the fact that it wasn’t fully tested at the time. It did, however, exceed all expectations. “The LaBeouf model did everything it was asked to do without any embellishment or creativity, which is a relief after years of dealing with real actors,” said Spielberg, chuckling to himself. In fact, Spielberg liked the LaBeouf android so much that he shoehorned it into the fourth Indiana Jones film as a way to test it in more adverse conditions, such as reading from a script by George Lucas. Yet again, it passed with flying colors. “The Indy film convinced me that The LaBeouf was ready for mass consumption,” said Spielberg. “If it could sell that piece of shit, then it could do anything!”

The model goes on sale for only $2.4 million dollars exclusively through Spielberg’s website.

Kim Kardashian demonstrates one of the most important elements of her new diet plan.

Someone with the brains and talent level that afflicts Kim Kardashian knows how important it is to keep that ass bangin’. Now Kim is finally releasing her secret formula that allows her to maintain the curvy, voluptuous figure that drives niggers wild.

Kim announced that she is teaming with a group of underpaid ghost writers at HarperCollins to produce a tell-all diet book that will detail “how to get into ghetto hoochie shape,” said the reality star. She added that she wants all women to “be able to experience the joys of constant semen facials from broke-ass homeboys.”

Cleverly-titled The Kim Kardashian Diet Book, the tome will reveal a step-by-step diet plan to help overweight women who are, according to Kardashian, “too fat to even be fucked by unemployed brothas.” Additionally, Kardashian said that her book will revolutionize the modern woman, who has “become too empowered by earning their own living and having a man who does the same.” With this new diet plan, Kardashian promised everyone who follows it ”will find happiness by subserviently supporting an unemployed black man and getting him beers.” Economists praised the book, saying that such a situation might slow the drain on the economy from “welfare leeches.”

A Celebrity Freakshow exclusive peek reveals that most of the book details how to properly service a penis orally and swallow the subsequent ejaculate, which forms the cornerstone meal of her diet. “Semen is chock full of nutrients, even from video game playin crackheads,” said Kardashian, who emphasized that she is not an actual nutritionist. She recommends three blowjobs a day – “to keep the man happy and stop him from roaming” – which will be washed down with Courvoisier and an ice cream cone.

The book is slated for a Spring release.

But now Lohan has shocked Hollywood and the world of fashion with her latest look, which is receiving high praise from every important fashionista. Lohan has managed to transform herself into a highly-intoxicated 40 year old woman.

Designer Tommy Hilfiger has publicly praised the daring new look, which he predicts will be ”the sexiest new trend of 2010.” Supermodel/talk show host Tyra Banks adds that “only Lindsay could pull off that look so well. I wish I could instantly age twenty years and look so graceful doing it.”

The actress, only 23 chronological years old, credits a steady diet of cigarettes, illegal drugs, weeks without sleep, and anonymous semen facials for her transformation. In a recent press conference, Lohan admitted being tired of her “good girl” persona. “People think I’m some damned Disney chick,” slurred Lohan over a highball, “but I’m not. And this new look will end that once and for all.”

People close to the actress are stunned in awe by Lohan’s change. “I’m always trying to look younger,” said mother Dina Lohan, “but not Lindsay. She looks as old as me now, but she still looks better! Amazing!” Father Michael Lohan admitted that Lindsay’s new look is more than simply a pleasant change. “She now looks like someone I might date, actually,” he said at another hastily-called press conference. “Now she looks like someone who would be a real wildcat in bed.”

The only person voicing outrage over Lindsay’s new look is ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson. In a telephone interview, Ronson said: “I was doing the unwashed, drugged-out, older-looking thing long before Firecrotch ever did.” In retaliation, Ronson plans to have her face surgically aged, and add more bags and circles beneath her eyes. She’s also starting a controversial procedure to have cigarette smoke pumped into her body intravenously. “We’ll see who looks older now,” said Ronson bitterly.

As for Lohan, she’s already moving on to her next look and leaving the fashion world in her wake. “I’m thinking about showing up to premieres with heroin needles sticking out of my arms and legs,” said Lohan. She added: “I think that will be a major look in 2011.”

Courtney Love could not be contacted for a comment.