The Gosselins Voted Most Fascinating Anything Ever
A recent poll revealed what tabloid editors and Perez Hilton have known for years: Kate and Jon Gosselin are the single most fascinating phenomenon in history.
The polling firm Zogby recently asked 2,000 random people from 16 countries to list the five things that most fascinate them in life. The pollsters did not restrict their answers to anything specifically or obviously fascinating, like the career of Paris Hilton or the actual ingredients in Cornnuts.
The results were shocking. A full 83 percent listed the Gosselin family struggles as the most fascinating thing they have ever encountered. This topped the second most fascinating thing - popcorn butter - by 23 percent. Rounding out the top five most fascinating things: nail fungus, flip flops, and getting drunk.
Life on Earth changed irrevocably once the Gosselin family was featured in a reality television show that chronicled their endlessly interesting lives. The story of this extremely fertile couple and their eight children has become a cultural institution that has captivated all sentient beings. The show is now taught in most colleges as an example of television production, morality, and desirable human behavior.
That is fine by Betty Grable, who was polled by Zogby on the topic last week. “The Gosselin’s are my life,” said Grable, who admits that she has not left the house since the debut of the show. “I hate even talking to my real family because they pale in comparison to Jon and Kate.”
Many share Grable’s intense concern for everything Gosselin. One hundred and forty six people have already committed suicide due to the recent divorce of Kate and Jon, played out in heartbreaking detail on television. One lucky survivor was Darla Harris, who nearly strangled herself with an ironing cord when she saw pictures of Jon being unfaithful. “I am seeing a psychiatrist to deal with my devastation over (Jon’s) infidelity,” said Harris, whose neck still bears the scars of her attempt. “But we usually end up just talking about the show. He’s just as hooked as I am!”
As Gosselin fever sweeps the globe, President Obama has proposed making a national holiday called Jon and Kate Day, but the planned annual holiday was changed by Congress to a monthly observance. Said the President at a local eatery: “Although Jon and Kate are now separated, we can thank them for bringing us all together in the spirit of love and compassion. May they never leave television, or our hearts, minds, and prayers.”
In response to the poll, Kate Gosselin released this message to her billions of adoring fans: “Please leave me and my kids alone.”
Jon Gosselin was too busy having sex with sixteen year old babysitters to comment for this story.
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