Tiger Woods Destroys Terrorist Reward Program!
As the mistress count continues to climb in the Tiger Woods sex scandal rocking the sports world, shocking new allegations indicate that Woods’ infidelities threaten to topple one of the world’s major religions.
For Islamic terrorists, martyrdom means inheriting a heavenly afterlife full of unquenchable young virgins. But that promise of paradise has been shattered today by new allegations that Woods has already had sex with over 80% of angelic creatures, as well as innumerable demons and goat-devils in the depths of Hell. More celestial beings are expected to come forward in the coming days.
These revelations concern Al Abib Juhara, an Islamic extremist hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. “If I cannot fuck virgins all day and night for eternity, why on Earth would I blow myself up in order to crush the Great Satan, America?” asked Juhara through a translator. “Instead of killing myself for Islam, I might as well stay home and marry a camel.”
It’s exactly that type of response that worries sociologists specializing in Middle Eastern relations. Professor Donald Garson of The Middle East Institute sees trouble ahead for the world’s largest religion. “If these Muslim terrorists do not have virgins waiting for them, then they simply will not martyr themselves for Islam,” said Garson. “The Muslim religion will ultimately collapse because Tiger Woods had intercourse with everything on Earth and in heaven.”
In response to the recent revelations, Gatorade has announced that it is pulling all of its Tiger Woods-related advertising. Said Gatorade spokesperson Alice Jamble: “We do not want Islamic terrorists bombing our products simply because one of our sponsors had intercourse with their heavenly virgins.”
But this devastating result of sexual infidelity has little effect on Woods, who has already admitted that he cannot help himself when it comes to sex. When asked if he would regret having sex with celestial beings if it meant the destruction of Islam, Woods simply said, “Fuck no. Screwing deities is the shizzle, my nizzle.”
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