Emboldened by the recent announcement by Warner Brothers to produce an entire film based on the LEGO toy line, Twentieth Century Fox has decided to greenlight a long-gestating dream project: MILK DUDS : THE MOVIE. There is a whiff of studio rivalry in the announcement; the films are now slated to go head-to-head on May 13th, 2011.
The film, to be penned by STAR TREK scribes Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, will be a sophisticated blend of live footage and computer generated effects. Unemployed director Renny Harlin is currently in talks to helm the picture, which has a $120 million budget.
“Like the LEGO movie, it’s all about brand awareness,” said Fox CEO Jim Gianopoulos. “People know about Milk Duds from the movie theater, so it’s a perfect merchandising tie-in.” When pressed for details about the movie itself, Gianopoulos curled into a defensive, fetus-like position and refused further comment.
But Kurtzman and Orci are glad to fill in the blanks of this curious project. “A MILK DUDS film needed to be made. It’s probably the most mystifying candy ever invented,” stated Orci enthusiastically. Added Kurtzman: “Who hasn’t had one of those little buggers stuck to the roof of their mouth? Like that, this film will stick in the minds of moviegoers.” The two then laughed at the joke and wrote it in a legal pad.
The film itself will chronicle the adventures of a Mild Dud named Chewy who escapes from a movie theater concession area and wanders through the streets of New York right before Christmas. “It will be like HOME ALONE in reverse, except starring candy,” said a wide-eyed Kurtzman, clearly creatively excited by the challenge of the script. Action is to be the most prominent feature of the film. “Chewy gets stuck in a taxi tire and is driven halfway across town at perilously high speeds,” said Orci.
Action is practically the middle name of proposed director Harlin, who has mastered the genre with groundbreaking films like CUTTHROAT ISLAND. When asked about his involvement in the MILK DUD movie, Harlin replied that he cannot comment while in negotiations. He then added: “I need the money. Badly.”
A rep for Warners laughed for almost two minutes when asked for a comment, finally adding that, “Warner Brothers looks forward to watching MILK DUDS : THE MOVIE sink that wretched studio. Unlike LEGO : THE MOVIE, a film about Milk Duds has no redeeming value or purpose.”
In a related story, The Weinsteins have announced that they are in development on a film mysteriously titled POCKET LINT. No writers are yet attached.
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