Twilight Series Second Leading Cause Of Puberty Among Girls, Boys

Guong Hyang, a 12 year old boy, grew Twilight-induced breasts during the study.

In a double-blind study, doctors found that girls undergo severe changes while watching Twilight. In addition to non-stop screaming and random bouts of crying, the girls also undergo physiological changes, including menstrual discharges, lactating breasts, and tufts of hair around their red, swollen vaginas. They also have compulsive urges to spend every dime they can wrestle from their parents on Twilight merchandise.

This news comes too late for Monica Strassky, whose son participated in the Twilight research project. “I regret the day I ever signed Billy up for that study,” said Strassky from her home in Laramie, Wyoming. “I had a beautiful little boy before that ever happened.” She is referring to Billy’s startling transformation into a girl over a week-long period of time. “He watched the films as part of the study. When he came home, he complained that his breasts hurt. Within two days, he needed a c-cup,” said Strassky through tears. By the end of the week, Billy’s penis “had shriveled up into a sad little flap of skin, utterly worthless,” said Strassky. Even worse for the mother of three was the orientation change in her son. “Before that, Billy loved baseball and other boy activities,” said Strassky, “but afterwards he named his Wiffleball bat ‘Edward’ and began inserting it into his rectum.”

The sudden change was not accepted in Strassky’s town. “We took him out back and stoned him, of course,” said Strassky tearfully. “I felt bad about it, but we couldn’t have a Twilight-loving faggot in my house.”

These stories trouble doctors and physicians like Mercher. “I recommend that any parent with a girl under nine years old should not expose them to these films,” said Mercher. He added: “And for God’s sake, don’t let your boys watch this series at all.”